"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

March 21

Sex group pokes nose into political bedrooms – long shower after doesn’t help at all!

PM Harpules displays his repressed fondness for Classical Centaurs

The Sex Professionals of Canada (yes, you heard me!) have decreed that ex-Prime Minister Paul Martin is probably a sex savage with a heat seeking missile when it comes to his performance in the sack.

"As much as I loathe Martin's politics, my general feeling is this guy loves to do the nasty; is a very flexible bedroom athlete and is very creative when it comes to sexual positions.  I have no doubt that he would happily let his wife sit on his face all night if he thought it would help get her multiple orgasms,” reads SPOC's assessment of the former prime minister on its website.

Valerie Scott of SPOC said she always backs up her, um, findings, “Oh, I’ve got proof alright!" the single, hatchet-faced, woman says.  "Obviously I have nothing better to do with my time and so that’s why I go in for voyeurism. I’ve spent many a night outside the ex-PM’s bedroom window watching him and Sheila go at it, and I have to say, he’s one beast in the bed.  He doesn’t have a big schlong, but I find that men with smaller ones always try so much harder.  He certainly has the biggest balls I’ve ever seen” 

But since the election, Ms. Scott suspects the master bedroom at 24 Sussex Dr. got a little kinkier.

Scott says that Prime Minister Stephen Harper may be seemingly straight-laced in terms of decriminalization of prostitution and stuff like that, but when it comes to making bacon, he's no conservative behind closed doors.

“He’s a dirty boy who likes to do weird things. It’s very common bedroom behaviour for morally uptight guys like him.  He probably likes to get urinated on. And whipped, spanked, and beaten. And called a queer. And a worm. And the scum of the earth.  Humiliation is very closely associated with sexual pleasure in his twisted little world. I’ll know more on this later. Hopefully I should have some good photos as well. Expect an Ancient Greet motif and lots of filthy stuff!”

What will Ms. Scott do after she’s recorded Harper’s sex habits?  With the upcoming Liberal leadership race, SPOC she plans to update its rankings with its assessment of each candidate.

So far Bob Rae is a favourite -- politically and sexually.

"If you watch his ass move, you see in his wiggle that he's self-assured, he's confident in his body," Scott said. “Oh and check out his bulge, this guy is packing one lean, mean, anaconda!”

Belinda Stronach was the only possible replacement for Martin already assessed.

Guessing she'd be a "dead fish," SPOC suspects she'd be like "a bad lay, a boring screw, less fun than doing a piece of liver, an amateur dominatrix."

"She figures she deserves it all now and doesn't have to be bothered learning about it and/or working for it," sneers Ms. Scott, "and that disgusts me.  I spent years working for sex and I have the infections to prove it.  I didn't like having sex, but hey, it paid the rent."   

March 20

How Freudian Are You?


On his 150th birthday, the architect of therapeutic culture is an inescapable force. Do you hear me? Inescapable!!  So in the spirit of no escape from Freud take the Newsweek quiz.  There are no right or wrong answers as all are up for Freudian interpretation and diagnosis.  Which means “penis envy” if you’re a woman and “castration complex” if you’re a man. It’s really that simple!    

Sigmund Freud was born in
a) His mother’s womb
b) He wasn’t so much born but just happened to materialize one day
c) None and all of the above

Freud’s mother used to call him
a) Asswipe
b) The bane of my life
c) The one who does the laundry

Before deciding on medical school Freud had planed to pursue a degree in
a) Pimping
b) Waste disposal
c) Golf

As an adult, Freud was most likely to sit down to a plate of
a) Food
b) Revenge served cold
c) Sour grapes

Freud’s famous patient “Little Hans” was afraid
(afreud!?) of
a) Freud
b) Freud’s mom
c) Freud and his mom

The "illusion" to which Freud referred in the title of his book, "The Future of an Illusion" was:
a) Show business
b) Aquatic monkeys
c) Austrian comedy

Freud coined the term
a) I’m the man
b) Hug my, I’m Czechoslovakian
c) Shit happens in therapy 

Freud spent his last year in:
a) An Iron lung
b) A Mexican brothel
c) A state of drunkenness

March 18

The Librarians’ Retirement Party (A Litany of Woe)

The old librarian addresses the gang at her retirement party.

Well my Lordy this is a surprise. Thank you, thank you all… And thank you Mayor Barstock for those kind words. It was very nice of you to come all the way across town like that just to say goodbye to me. Gracious, I feel like Grace Kelly before she died what with all this attention. Now I’m not much of a talker, I suppose that’s why God made me a librarian, but I would like to say a few words.

I certainly didn’t know there’d be a retirement party – but then again I didn’t know that I was retiring until Reeve Alcott called me at home last night and told me the news. A bit of a surprise after 47 years on the job, I don’t mind telling you… And to get the news from Reeve Alcottt? Well, goodness, it seems like just yesterday that he was weeping over his acne and his third nipple. He was a delicate boy. Soft skin and chubby hands, much like a girl’s.  The other boys wouldn’t play with him and he spent a lot of time in the library crying. You’ve come along way, Reeve.

I am touched, if slightly hurt. I mean, I know I’m not well liked here. I hear you talking about me.  You all think I’m some old cranky old relic who wants everything done her way – some dithering old fuss budget that you all laugh about behind her back. That’s right, I hear you joking. Particularly you, Annabel, and to answer your question, “no I don’t want to be restacked in the history section after I die.” You might want to worry more about trying to find a man than making sport of my immortality. Your grandmother couldn’t fin a man and I suspect you can’t either. Your legs are bowed – it’s frightening.

Anyway, I suppose I should thank you for organizing this little send off. I suppose I should be grateful that each of you took the time to sign a card and chip in 75 cents toward the cost of that bag of cheetos and a bottle of diet soda pop that you’re all scarfing down. Don’t look at your feet, I’m talking to you!  So... thank you for the party. Don’t start clapping, I’m not finished yet!

As you all know I was the first librarian hire by Pusilimack County. That used to count for something.  It used to get me a measure of respect.  Things were alot different when I started out. Back then this library was a respected institution, not just a repository for Danielle Steele novels and A. A.  meetings. By the way Franklin, tonight’s meeting has moved back to 9pm tonight so you’ll have an extra hour to pull yourself together you filthy sot.

But I’m wasting my breath aren’t I?  There’s no place for me anymore is there? I’m just an embarrassment, something you have to tolerate. But I’m getting pushed out, sorry, “retiring” and that means you won’t have me to kick around anymore. My 47 years of service are being justly rewarded and this loving tribute is enough to keep my body warm in the grave for eternity.  I hate you all.  I hate you and I resent you forcing me to leave the one thing I ever loved… being a librarian. You’ve taken my career and my dignity… bastards.  I’ll be glad to see you all in Hell and that’s no joke.

Oh, and thanks for the sweater; it’s real pretty.

March 17

Bush Continues to Sink in the Poles

AND EVEN WORSE…
He is snubbed by celebrities!

Like a dead body weighted down and dumped in the river (okay, that’s a lazy metaphor, but come on, he’s a lazy president!) President Bush is once again facing the lowest job approval rating of his presidency, the lowest percentage of Americans who believe the country is headed in the right direction, and an electorate that greatly prefers a Democratic-controlled Congress over a Republican-controlled one.

Yet the poll also shows something else that is probably making George eye his liquor bottles with a “what the hell” attitude: A strong majority believes Bush is experiencing a long-term setback from which he’s unlikely to recover.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! He’s losing his grip on governance, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”   says Democratic pollster Peter D. Schadenfreude, who conducted this survey all on his very own.  

But things get worse for Bush, far, far, worse. 

Actress and singer Jessica “Porch Light on Dim” Simpson, concerned about politicizing her favorite charity, turned down a invitation to meet with President Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

”It’s not like he was gonna Clinton her or anything,” grumbled Dick Cheney using Ms. Simpson's pictures as target practice.  (And yes, missing and shooting another friend in the face... I know, I know, it's a lazy joke, but come on, he's such an asshole!)

The blond star of the film “The Dukes of Hazzard” still plans to visit Washington, “she doesn’t plan to have anything to do with President Shrub,” according to her spokesperson.

NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised at Simpson’s position.

“I guess she’s not as stupid as we all thought,” he said.

White House insiders say President Bush’s feelings are hurt and that in retaliation he invited her washed up ex-husband, pop “vocalist” Nick Lachey, who, it turns out, refused the invite as well. 

”Probably in the hopes of winning back Jessica,” Ms. Simpson’s friends say.

Undaunted, the president then tried Paris and then Nichole and then Lindsay – but all with the same results.  

”He even tried Avril Lavigne, but unfortunately she passed as well. It’s a sad statement when the president can’t get a celebrity to spend 15 minutes with him – even a Canadian one!” said a White House insider who also added, “The Jessica Simpson thing isn’t that big a deal though. And truth be told, George would have been disappointed upon meeting her. You see, he thinks Jessica Simpson is that blue haired TV character who’s married to Homer.” 

March 16

It’s The Two Crazy Old Men with Beards Day!First up… Saddam!

Saddam’s Sitcom

Saddam Hussein, called to testify in his trial for the first time, insisted that he is still Iraq's president and called his trial a “comedy.”

“It’s a comedy – only without the laugh track, smart aleck kids, gay friends and the rest of the Hollywood infidel caricatures,” he added.

Saddam then let fly with a tirade on why “My Name is Earl” won’t save the Hollywood sitcom; why anti-heroes could be strong leading characters, and the merits of a well crafted play. The ex-despot than read from a sitcom pilot he is developing tentatively called, “The Innocent Playboy and The Bloody Wave of Sectarian Violence” prompting a shouting match with the chief judge who told him his sitcom was hackneyed and that the toilet jokes were “inappropriate.”

”This is not funny stuff, Mr. Hussein,” Chief Judge Raouf Abdel-Rahman angrily commented.

“You wouldn’t know funny if it bit you on the ass!” Saddam retorted.

”What the Allah does that mean?” the bewildered judge asked.

”Just stick with the tragedy that is your wife,” Saddam chuckled.

”You can’t talk to me like that!” Raouf Abdel-Rahman snarled.

 “I am the head of state,” Mr. Hussein replied.

“You used to be a head of state. You are a defendant now,” Judge Abdel-Rahman said.

”No, you’re the defendant,” Mr. Hussein said without missing a beat.

”Wha?” said the judge.

”I know you are, but what am I?” Saddam retorted while throwing a coconut cream pie in the judge’s direction.

 “Your are being tried in a criminal case. Stop reading your lame sitcom,” Judge Abdel-Rahman said angrily.

“Had it not been for lame sitcoms, the Americans would have stayed home and watched quality TV and I wouldn't be here,” Mr. Hussein replied.

He went on with his sitcom, reading from a set piece that involved the family dinner, a cooked dog, and a toilet plunger speech, “Oh my God, we ate the dog!” he read in falsetto, referring to the sitcom families recent wacky misunderstanding , “Now we will live in darkness and rivers of blood for no reason.”

Groaning in agony, Judge Abdel-Rahman finally ordered the session closed to the public.

Crazy Old Man Part The 2:

Michael Douglas – Cranky Old Weirdo and Beardo

Proving he can be the old man Hollywood weirdo version of Tommy Cruiser, (and possibly meriting himself an Insanity Watch here at Avery's Journal) old coot Michael Douglas is taking some shots at Brad Pitt for divorcing that Friends woman.

"I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina," the wizened fogey rasps in GQ's April issue, hitting newsstands March 21.

"I mean, con-flab it and gall be darn, how long is that going to last? And orphans? Aren't we supposed to eat those things?"

The delirious Methuselah also took swipes at actresses Renee Zellweger and Julia Roberts: "Prostitutes and whores who don’t respect their elders.  Con flab it, don't ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger.  What with her Satan dress and probing tongue.  We’re breeding a nation of whores and harlots and they’re all going to hell in a hand basket, con-flab it.  I don't know how you get married for four months.  It’s the promiscuity.  Sure I’ve been married three times, but do as I say, not as I do, dang ya!  In my day, people had respect.  And Julia Roberts, that shameless hussy with Lyle.  I’m not out of touch!  I… sorry, who are you?”

As for his marriage to actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, Douglas says he's, "Swallowing Viagra like crazy. You should see the things I do to her. Ha, ha, ha. Make the devil’s tongue and Satan probe and then fornicate like the beast. The beast with two backs, confound it.”  

Douglas 161, and Zeta-Jones, 36, were married in 2000 and have a son, Dylan, 5, and a daughter, Carys, 2. Douglas also has a son, Cameron, 27, from a previous marriage.

After a three-year hiatus, Douglas will return to the big screen this year in the geriatric thriller "Dude, Where’s My Geritol?”

March 15

Mad Cow Alabama
(Sung to Sweet Home Alabama)

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com   (really!)

is the next pope the antichrist?
only 295 shopping days left until xmas
seen any elves 
dolphin therapy scientology
wedding etiquette bastards
angry villagers pitchfork
ant sperm
tommy cruiser watch to turkey
rock music kills houseplants
canada sucks

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 279 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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