"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 28
6 Spring Timesaver Meals
Spring’s here and you don’t want to cook. You want to savour the season. The
secret to success is to cut corners and make really big compromises. Here are 6
Spring Timesaver Meals:
Canned Soup:
Buy the kind where you don’t have to add a can of water, you just dump it in.
This saves you even more time so you can… Well, whatever the hell it is you do…
Uncooked Chicken Breasts:
You save time by not cooking it and then save way more time not having to cook
for the next two months because you’ll be laid up in bed with serious
salmonella poisoning.
Mystery food
in the fridge:
Sure, you don’t know what it is and how long it’s been in that piece of
Tupperware… But tonight you don’t cook!
Dinner at
your neighbours:
Swing by around 6pm and announce you have no plans. Sure, you have to make
small talk with them, but it’s a free meal and you’re not slaving in the
kitchen.
A quart of
milk:
Chug it down fast. You should be able to do it in a couple of minutes. Dinner’s
done and you’re nice and bloated.
Pickled eggs:
Close your eyes and think of steak.
March 27
Kurt Cobain 7"
Action Figure
A
modern day rock icon presented for the first time as an action figure. Based on
his appearance in the breakthrough "Smells like teen spirit" video, Cobain comes
with his guitar and a gymnasium floor base. Clamshell packaging. Expected to
arrive in June/July.
Shotgun and heroin not included.
June
March 25
Blood From A Stone
INT. LABORATORY -- DAY
Doctors Nadler and Fielding standing
behind a table filled with beakers and other scientific paraphernalia.
DR. FIELDING: I got your message Doctor
Nadler, you said you've made a breakthrough in your research.
DR. NADLER: Yes. It all became clear
this morning Doctor Fielding... It was so simple. All I needed was to really
see it.
DR. FIELDING: Congratulations, Ian.
Tell me about it.
DR. NADLER: It's revolutionary. At
long last my years of work has borne fruit. It was all in my methodology. By
simply reversing my analytical bias I was able to isolate the problem and
systematically dissect it.
DR. FIELDING: Which experiment is it
Ian, the infinite time equation?
DR. NADLER: No, no, something new. Tell
me Doctor, are you familiar with the aphorism, 'You can't get blood from a
stone?'
DR. FIELDING: Indeed I am but...
Dr. Nadler grabs a rock from the table
and smacks Dr. Fielding over the head with it. Blood gushes everywhere.
DR. NADLER: Well I've done it.
Eureka! At long last. All those years of research... I've done it... Blood
from a stone!
March 24
Abu
Ghraib dog handler sent to jail
”It was the dog’s idea” defence scorned by judge
A U.S.
Army dog handler was sentenced to just under six months behind bars for using
his snarling canine to torment prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
The military jury handed down the 179-day sentence a day after
convicting Sgt. Michael Smith, 24, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He could have
received 8 1/2 years in prison.
Smith,
who continually blamed the dog, Private “King” for the “shenanigans” appeared
unrepentant when he addressed the jury after he was convicted. "Soldiers are not
supposed to be soft and cuddly," he said, adding that once free from jail he
would be “unleashing” a new line of soft and cuddly attack dog toy plush and
“some other fun goodies for kids.”
”You
squeeze the toy dogs and they ‘soften up’ toy prisoners for interrogation,” he
said. Smith also added that while kids could buy “individual toy dogs” they
would get more bang for their buck if they bought the whole Abu Ghraib toy line.
”It’s really great. It comes with the Abu Ghraib prison, which parents will
find is really easy to assemble, as well as Lynndie England and Charles Graner
action figures, several toy prisoners, hoods, electrodes, and other instruments
of torture, not to mention the dog plush.”
Some of the fun things you can do with the toy include directing Mr. Smith’s toy
dog to lick peanut butter (a jar of which comes with the toy prison) off other
soldiers' bodies, as well the “crap a-meter” which allows kids to frighten the
detainees and then check to see just how badly the prisoners have soiled
themselves.
As for the dog itself, Pvt. “King” received a swat on the nose with a newspaper
and was called “a bad dog.”
Pvt. King was last seen whimpering with his tail between his legs.
March 23
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for
the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and
all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m a reasonably attractive 23-year old theatre student with varied interests,
all in the area of theatre. Yes, I have a promising future in theatre, and
perhaps in poetry as well; so as you can see, I am bound to make millions. But
strangely enough, I’ve never had any luck with women. Don’t they like
actors/poets anymore? Anyway, eight months ago, I began studying self-help
dating books. I have taken all the advice of these books: increased my social
circle, learned a foreign language, have a repertoire of “Knock Knock” jokes,
and have used online dating services. And yet I’ve only had a couple of dates
and no second ones. Despite my new wealth of knowledge on the subject of dating,
I figured I’d get your opinion.
Frankenstein Monster Say:
Mrrragggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! You sound like you book smart virgin. No, me take it
back, you just sound like virgin. And not that smart of one. Stop reading
book, stop getting advice, ummm, after you get advice from me, that is. To be
frank… enstein, ha, ha, ha, that one always cracks Frankie up, hah… Mrragh,
anyway, truth is dating should be fun. Okay, Frankenstein have a few bad
experiences himself with women… Bride of Frankenstein no want to have anything
to do with me and that make for one lousy honeymoon. Frankenstein’s large
testicles turn blue… But, this not about Frankenstein, this about you. Your
problem this: You view dating as a task. Put away notebook (but don’t set on
fire, Frankenstein HATE fire!) and go out. Stop viewing dating scene like you
Jane Goodale and everyone else chimpanzee. Be yourself. Sure, that not work so
good for Frankenstein, but maybe it work for you. Mrragggggggggghhhhh!
March 22
Oh, The Humanity!!!!!
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
satan rock psoriasis
mad cow alabama
senile cartoons
bush showing signs of insanity
i'm not going to be your monkey
stephen harper's weight
prince charles bloody hell
sinister slut
a very passive and repressed sagittarius
crazy ant
Last Christmas is so 2005...
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Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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