"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 10
Serious Olympic Questions
Since
Vancouver
has won the opportunity to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people from all over
the world have been writing to Tourism Canada with their questions about
Canadian culture and the big event. Here
are a few of the questions about the land of beer and bacon that were posted
on an International Tourism Website. I
think you’ll agree that serious questions like these demand frivolous
answers.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (
England
)
A: We import all plants fully grown and
then just sit around and watch them die.
Q:
Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (
USA
)
A: Depends on how much you've been
drinking.
Q: I
want to walk from
Vancouver
to
Toronto
-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (
Sweden
)
A: Sure, it's only 4000 miles, take
lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in
Canada
? (
Sweden
)
A: So it's true what they say about
Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact
for a stuffed Beaver. (
Italy
)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in
Canada
? Can you send me a list of them in
Toronto
,
Vancouver
,
Edmonton
and
Halifax
? (
England
)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada
? (
USA
)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped
continent south of
Europe
. Ca-na-da is that big country
to your North...oh forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Vancouver.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in
Canada
? (
USA
)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees
Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into
Canada
? (
England
)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we
do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
USA
)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little
country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the
Vienna
Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver,
right after the hippo races. Come naked.
(Cheers to Bing)
May 9
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad President
Zombies
of
Nam
(A
Pitch)
Kids
love zombies, men love war flicks and ladies love romance.
Zombies of Nam is the one vehicle
that can drive all those demographics to the box office and still maintain its
integrity. The story?
It’s 1967, the
U.S.
army is struggling in
Nam
and the Pentagon wants results. The
answer? A secret breed of G.I.
zombies. Unyielding, unrepentant
and undead (the tag line), these soldiers are unleashed on
Vietnam
and strike terror with their penchant for killing the enemy and then eating
their brains.
Led
by the morally upright Sergeant Meat, (Brad Pitt) the zombies lay waste to the
Viet Cong. However things go
terribly wrong when Private Skin (David Spade) convinces his fellow zombies to
defy Meat and turn their unseemly appetites on civilians and – even worse
– other American soldiers.
Meat
is deserted by his squad who continue with their rampage, he returns to base
and informs his superiors. General
Paxton orders “Project Zombie” halted, but the problem remains – how to
stop them? Meat meets
Celia, (Naomi Watts)
the General’s
daughter and falls for her hard. But
can a zombie Sergeant find love with a General’s daughter?
Of course he can. The two
frolic through
Saigon
in a whirlwind romance. He
proposes. She accepts. But
the General forbids his daughter to wed a zombie.
Meat sinks into an alcoholic abyss.
The
zombies descend on
Saigon
. Heroically, Meat single-handedly
destroys them all and saves the city but not before they turn Celia into a
zombie too. The General, in
appreciation, allows his now-zombie daughter and Meat to wed.
Meat is decorated as a hero and they return to the States to start a
new life together.
It was a dark and stormy night...
This
year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy
Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University),
wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10)
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9)
"Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue
eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition,
and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6)
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved."
5)
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4)
"
Stanley
looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3)
"Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2)
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the
eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND
THE WINNER IS...
1)
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving
the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"
May 4
The
Monsters That Tucked Me In
I was always a nervous kid and
never very good with bedtime
Getting the lights turned out was bad
but even worse, was…
The Monsters That Tucked Me In
They
were blood relatives
and
friends of the family…
…When
they were sober
my parents looked something like this…
After a few,
in my eyes, they looked more like this…
MY
aunt (Millie) and uncle (Nick)
scared the living hell out of me…
Word was that Millie
had lured sluggish Nick into her web
…I believed it
ABOVE:
My babysitter, (left)
me, (centre) her fat boyfriend (right)
food from our fridge (his hands and mouth)
an unidentified cockroach (far right wall)
My Uncle Roger was
apparently a hilarious guy
he’d move his neck so fast
that I thought he had three heads
He’d laugh and wish me goodnight
then tell me there was a family
of child-eating rats living under my bed
The
drawing below is from when my grandfather
told me that if I waited until midnight
then looked in my toy box
I’d get a big surprise
So I did
and out he sprung
laughing maniacally…
…I
never opened that toy box again.
Aunt
Tilda's goodnight kiss
And then there were the others
who’d whisper in my ear
that the world was a big place
which
would crush my little dreams
Eventually falling
asleep became a real problem
The
source of my troubles
was easy enough to identify
But
it didn’t stop the anxiety…
My
fear of the monsters that tucked me in
got so bad that I started to worry
that maybe, finally, one night
ALL of them
would tuck me in at the same time!
I stopped sleeping all together…
It
didn’t take long for me to begin
experiencing waking dreams
In one of them
I saw myself in the future
Apparently, I’d gone
into the arts…
My
parents were now concerned
and took me to a doctor who prescribed
”alternatives in the world of pharmaceuticals”
Sleep
finally came…
And
when I grew up I didn’t kill myself
But instead became a mercenary
To
this very day
I still have problems sleeping
But I suspect that it’s more work related…
THE END
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
meaning of avery
visayan warty pig
godzilla in japan
ant b gone
king on a throne picture
what does avery mean in latin
ant girl
Canada
edie sedgwick barefoot
big breasted plumbers
pellet-dropping rabbit
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 229 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
