"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 20
Dating Resume
INT.
OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy
and Jerry sit at a conference table, she is reviewing
a file.
NANCY
: Well Jerry, your resume looks very good.
There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY:
Really?
NANCY
: There's only one "s" in intercourse.
JERRY:
Oh, right. Sorry about that.
NANCY
: That's alright. We can overlook
it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY:
Of course...fire away.
NANCY
: It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there is
no indication of why you left.
JERRY:
Well, to be honest, I felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend --
had become static and that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like
complacency, and wasn't crazy about her mother, and I think that one must
constantly be trying to achieve more.
NANCY
: I see...
JERRY:
It's not that I'm fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY
: And it took you three years to determine that?
JERRY:
I tried to make things work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY
: Okay, and what experience did you gain?
JERRY:
(points at resume) Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job.
I was also responsible for emotional support and companionship.
I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook and am certainly more tender
and caring than I was.
I think that's a big plus for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY
: I see... Now before your last relationship you had a series of brief
encounters.
JERRY:
Yes...Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a
lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want
someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY:
Well once again I draw your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY
: I don't know that this is
time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY:
I apologize. I'm nervous.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for a man with confidence.
Now, quite frankly I am concerned
about this homosexual relationship in 83...
JERRY:
I'm a bit of a risk taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points.
I decided to try that option but after an isolated few dozen incidents
I quickly discovered that it wasn't for me.
NANCY
: I don't know Jerry, you're all over the map.
It seems to me that you're just the sort of relationship I'm trying to
stay away from. Look at this, 3
months here, a weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office
Christmas party. And I've checked
your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people in your
past.
JERRY:
I think if you give me a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY
: I'm sorry but I don't think so Jerry. Thank
you for coming in.
JERRY:
Please, give me a chance.
NANCY
: Jerry. There's no point.
I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. Now good afternoon.
JERRY:
Nancy
please. I need this relationship.
I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY
: Pardon me?
JERRY:
I'm desperate.
NANCY
: You didn't mention that on the resume.
JERRY:
It's not a popular quality.
NANCY
: Well that depends...
JERRY:
Please, I really need this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY
: Alright Jerry, I get the idea. There's
something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I can work with
you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship.
I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an
easy task, ha ha. Plus I will want
comfort, support and understanding. There
will be interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an
apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with.
Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and work
on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY:
Just about the sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY
: Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing
violent but a tad dangerous. I
don't climax easily so be prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY:
Thanks.
May 19
Robertson The Prophet
In yet
another series of asinine and rather banal pronouncements, religious kook and friend of Howard
Dean, Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America
's coastline this year.
The weirdo zealot said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during
his annual personal prayer retreat in January.
"If
I heard the Lord right about 2006, and please remember, I had a bad head cold
so I was pretty stuffed up; the coasts of
America
will be lashed by storms, or maybe that’s dashed by forms… Or crashed with
swarms… Or maybe it’s mashed with germs… My point is some bad Satanic
stuff is going down because I said
so. Well, okay, God did… But he said it to me. Not you. Which makes me
special," Robertson said.
The loathsome. right wing-nut radical extremist has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting
that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, that
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for
Israel
's pullout from the Gaza Strip and that George Bush’s last name was
responsible for today’s rampant lesbianism.
McCartneys blame media as they
part ways
Ah, so it’s the media’s fault. Glad
they cleared that up. Here I was getting ready to blame Yoko…
Seal: “Take off, eh, you stupid wankers!”
Paul: “Bloody Hell, it hates you more than the media does.”
Heather: “Stop stealing my limelight. Both of you!”
May 18
Unfortunate First
Names To Give Your Kids
Especially If Your Last Name is…
Ima
Hogg: Gee, thanks a lot daddy!
If it seems to you like it’s kids’ week here at The Avery Journal, well,
let’s go with that and carry on with the theme.
Here’s a combination of names that one should never give to their
children. The people who came up
with these concoctions fall into either two types of categories as parents –
cruel or ignorant.
1. Christopher Peacock: I knew a
kid named Christopher Peacock. I
guess his parents thought it was enchanting and lyrical to combine the two
names. Like something out of
Winnie The Poo. What they
didn’t factor into the equation is this:
a) kids are cruel and smart
b) the name “Christopher” will inevitably be shortened to “Chris”
c) "Chris"
+ "Peacock" ='s
“crispy cock”
and many years of taunting.
2.
Ima Hogg: According to a
bio: Ima
Hogg was a woman of legendary energy and purpose. What isn’t mentioned is that her daddy, Governor
James (Jim) Stephen Hogg insisted on giving her the name Ima; which, as far as
I’m concerned, makes him a supreme asshole and the ultimate Hogg.
3. Harry Kuntz:
According to my friend who grew up with Harry, the German Kuntz family
came to North America in 1946 (cough) and, proud Visigoths that they were,
refused to change their last name and then when out on to saddle their first
born with a cruel legacy that still gives poor Harry nightmares.
4. Lijun Ho: Lijun is pronounced, lyin’,
Ho is the traditional short form for whore, ho:
Lijun Ho.
5. John Thomas: One of the oldest
slang terms for a penis aka a dick. One of the more famous and bigger
dicks is NBA star, “John Thomas.” His
parents had to know what this meant.
If they didn’t then this qualifies them as real “John Thomas
heads.” If they did, same deal.
May 17
Quick Answers
Here
are some quick answers to questions that kids ask.
Q: Is there a heaven?
A: Yes, but it’s out of your price range.
Q: Where does Barney the dinosaur live?
A: In a better house than you do!
Q: Who invented money?
A: The brother of the guy who invented credit.
Q: Why is there water?
A: To mix with scotch.
Q: How does the phone work?
A: You plug it into the wall.
Q: Who turns on the streetlights?
A: Sexy oil lamps.
Q: Why does it rain?
A: Because when it does, it pours.
May 16
Ask. Dr. Science
Hey
kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them to
“Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a
keen and super fun learning experience!
Question:
Why does my dog howl whenever she hears a siren?
Hester
(Age 6)
Answer:
Wha? You stupid, ignorant, kid. I’m a
scientist not a freaking veterinarian.
You kids out there make me sick! If you don’t have any relevant
questions to ask – then don’t bother wasting my time. Smarten up – all
of ya! Jesus Christ...
Dr. Science (Age
53)
May
15
Avery's
Original Thoughts
In
cold weather a nipple will stick out. But in warm weather it won’t stick in.
That’s one of my many original thoughts that I’d like to share with you on
my new CD: Avery’s Original Thoughts. Listen to this gem: Mom spelt
backwards is mom, dad spelt backwards is dad but Avery spelt backwards is
yreva. Pretty deep, huh? Buy my
CD and you can discover what I think about why rain makes you wet and hail
hurts your head. You won’t know what’s so funny about French Ticklers and
what syntax and income tax have in common until you order. So do it now.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
retro
housewife
why does the reaper have a sickle
coined
the phrase castration complex
banks suck
blood muffins
how to be a king like prince charles
ant god
the pizza ranking of the world
wing sex
god and freud
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 219 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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