"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
May 24
Office
Slang
Whether you office from home or home from office or home out
your office or office out of your home or your home office or office home, for
some stupid reason people still expect you to be up to date on all the latest
and lamest buzz words and phrases. Whether vaguely annoying or totally
annoying, you'll probably hear some of these dynamic phrases from time to
time. This list will help you translate, and maybe even repurpose a few words
to grow your own business buzz vocabulary. Oh joy…
Drive:
No, it doesn't refer to your “lack of…” Drive
is a multipurpose buzz word, overused in such phrases as "I’ll drive my
fist into your head if you use that buzz word again.”
Incent:
A nonword that is often used by business nonpeople.
There’s really nonmore to add…
Delayering:
A newer, more PC term for downsizing, e.g. “I’m delayering your sorry ass,
now pack up and get the hell out.”
Narcissurfing:
Is googling yourself. Googling
yourself means to play with your genitals.
Now you know. Oh, and
don’t do it.
Deep dive: If someone asks you to deep dive (or drill
down), they're asking for what used to be known as a “Monica
Lewinsky Special.”
Bleeding edge: The "cutting edge" is so passé. Even better is
the bleeding
edge. At least for
today: Call it that tomorrow and
you’re showing your age.
Al desko: Slang term for an Italian who never leaves his desk.
Defrag:
Slang term for the office homosexual.
May 23
All Hail The Raccoon
The garbage munching vandals are back.
With their black masks and white ringed tails, these original lovers of
recycled fruit have shaken off the sleep of a long winter, bred like crazy,
and are ready to move into your attic and make your life a living hell.
Hey, it’s what they do and they’ve gotta live somewhere.
Here are a few fun facts about raccoons that you can contemplate while
you clean up the ripped up garbage bags they leave for you each morning.
1. The name "raccoon"
come from the Indian word "arakum" which means "he kicks over
your garbage cans while you sleep.”
2. Adult raccoons may be up to 3
feet long and weigh up to 30 pounds, and they are secretly planning on ways to
get into your house and rule you with an iron claw.
3. Their tails can grow to be
fifteen inches. And if they ever figure out that they can use them as weapons, well, that
will be a big problem for the rest of us.
4. Raccoons are flesh eaters and
the original “party animal.”
5. Raccoons are inquisitive and will sleep with your spouse should they get
the chance. It's nothing personal, it's just in their nature.
May 20
Dating Resume
INT.
OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy
and Jerry sit at a conference table, she is reviewing
a file.
NANCY
: Well Jerry, your resume looks very good.
There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY:
Really?
NANCY
: There's only one "s" in intercourse.
JERRY:
Oh, right. Sorry about that.
NANCY
: That's alright. We can overlook
it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY:
Of course...fire away.
NANCY
: It says here that your last relationship was three years long, but there is
no indication of why you left.
JERRY:
Well, to be honest, I felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend --
had become static and that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like
complacency, and wasn't crazy about her mother, and I think that one must
constantly be trying to achieve more.
NANCY
: I see...
JERRY:
It's not that I'm fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY
: And it took you three years to determine that?
JERRY:
I tried to make things work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY
: Okay, and what experience did you gain?
JERRY:
(points at resume) Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job.
I was also responsible for emotional support and companionship.
I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook and am certainly more tender
and caring than I was.
I think that's a big plus for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY
: I see... Now before your last relationship you had a series of brief
encounters.
JERRY:
Yes...Now I know that may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a
lot of different opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want
someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY:
Well once again I draw your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY
: I don't know that this is
time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY:
I apologize. I'm nervous.
NANCY
: Well I'm looking for a man with confidence.
Now, quite frankly I am concerned
about this homosexual relationship in 83...
JERRY:
I'm a bit of a risk taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points.
I decided to try that option but after an isolated few dozen incidents
I quickly discovered that it wasn't for me.
NANCY
: I don't know Jerry, you're all over the map.
It seems to me that you're just the sort of relationship I'm trying to
stay away from. Look at this, 3
months here, a weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office
Christmas party. And I've checked
your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people in your
past.
JERRY:
I think if you give me a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY
: I'm sorry but I don't think so Jerry. Thank
you for coming in.
JERRY:
Please, give me a chance.
NANCY
: Jerry. There's no point.
I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. Now good afternoon.
JERRY:
Nancy
please. I need this relationship.
I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY
: Pardon me?
JERRY:
I'm desperate.
NANCY
: You didn't mention that on the resume.
JERRY:
It's not a popular quality.
NANCY
: Well that depends...
JERRY:
Please, I really need this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY
: Alright Jerry, I get the idea. There's
something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I can work with
you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship.
I just want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an
easy task, ha ha. Plus I will want
comfort, support and understanding. There
will be interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an
apartment until such time as I deem you suitable to live with.
Sex will be three times a week and I want you to cut your hair and work
on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY:
Just about the sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY
: Mild kink with a touch of role play. Nothing
violent but a tad dangerous. I
don't climax easily so be prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY:
Thanks.
May 19
Robertson The Prophet
In yet
another series of asinine and rather banal pronouncements, religious kook and friend of Howard
Dean, Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America
's coastline this year.
The weirdo zealot said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during
his annual personal prayer retreat in January.
"If
I heard the Lord right about 2006, and please remember, I had a bad head cold
so I was pretty stuffed up; the coasts of
America
will be lashed by storms, or maybe that’s dashed by forms… Or crashed with
swarms… Or maybe it’s mashed with germs… My point is some bad Satanic
stuff is going down because I said
so. Well, okay, God did… But he said it to me. Not you. Which makes me
special," Robertson said.
The loathsome. right wing-nut radical extremist has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting
that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, that
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for
Israel
's pullout from the Gaza Strip and that George Bush’s last name was
responsible for today’s rampant lesbianism.
McCartneys blame media as they
part ways
Ah, so it’s the media’s fault. Glad
they cleared that up. Here I was getting ready to blame Yoko…
Seal: “Take off, eh, you stupid wankers!”
Paul: “Bloody Hell, it hates you more than the media does.”
Heather: “Stop stealing my limelight. Both of you!”
May 18
Unfortunate First
Names To Give Your Kids
Especially If Your Last Name is…
Ima
Hogg: Gee, thanks a lot daddy!
If it seems to you like it’s kids’ week here at The Avery Journal, well,
let’s go with that and carry on with the theme.
Here’s a combination of names that one should never give to their
children. The people who came up
with these concoctions fall into either two types of categories as parents –
cruel or ignorant.
1. Christopher Peacock: I knew a
kid named Christopher Peacock. I
guess his parents thought it was enchanting and lyrical to combine the two
names. Like something out of
Winnie The Poo. What they
didn’t factor into the equation is this:
a) kids are cruel and smart
b) the name “Christopher” will inevitably be shortened to “Chris”
c) "Chris"
+ "Peacock" ='s
“crispy cock”
and many years of taunting.
2.
Ima Hogg: According to a
bio: Ima
Hogg was a woman of legendary energy and purpose. What isn’t mentioned is that her daddy, Governor
James (Jim) Stephen Hogg insisted on giving her the name Ima; which, as far as
I’m concerned, makes him a supreme asshole and the ultimate Hogg.
3. Harry Kuntz:
According to my friend who grew up with Harry, the German Kuntz family
came to North America in 1946 (cough) and, proud Visigoths that they were,
refused to change their last name and then when out on to saddle their first
born with a cruel legacy that still gives poor Harry nightmares.
4. Lijun Ho: Lijun is pronounced, lyin’,
Ho is the traditional short form for whore, ho:
Lijun Ho.
5. John Thomas: One of the oldest
slang terms for a penis aka a dick. One of the more famous and bigger
dicks is NBA star, “John Thomas.” His
parents had to know what this meant.
If they didn’t then this qualifies them as real “John Thomas
heads.” If they did, same deal.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
dead santa
lord avery
regular day of an army ant
john vigianni meat man
erica ehm snotty
stiffy the dead dog video
slag gams
hospital my hemorrhoids shaved
certificate for best mom
the first woman on earth was the african black mamma
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 215 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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