"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 1
Here we go
again. Hopefully this time everything is back and running. We'll see...
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Tragedy is just comedy minus the alcohol.
Taurus: You
will continue to keep an eye peeled out for snow.
Gemini: You will wake up drunk.
Cancer: You will continue to view pagans as those who are not Christian,
Muslim or Jew..
Leo:
See above.
Virgo: Mercury, your ruler, enforces a strict dress code that you can't
live up to.
Libra: No matter how many times people tell you not to give up hope
today, you will, eventually, give up hope. Wait, you won't! Oh no, you will... Sorry
to get your hopes up.
Scorpio: See Leo.
Sagittarius: See Scorpio.
Capricorn: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Aquarius: Some of these horoscopes will seem awfully familiar to you.
Pisces: No can swat with a broom like you!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom
Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Planner
Spent the day weeping. The marriage gets closer. Oh God, what have I done?
Dating Resume
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy and Jerry sit at a
conference table, she is reviewing a file.
NANCY: Well Jerry, your resume
looks very good. There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY: Really?
NANCY: There's only one "s" in
intercourse.
JERRY: Oh, right. Sorry about
that.
NANCY: That's alright. We can
overlook it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY: Of course...fire away.
NANCY: It says here that your
last relationship was three years long, but there is no indication of why you
left.
JERRY: Well, to be honest,I
felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend -- had become static and
that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like complacency, and wasn't
crazy about her mother, and I think that one must constantly be trying to
achieve more.
NANCY: I see...
JERRY: It's not that I'm
fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY: And it took you three
years to determine that?
JERRY: I tried to make things
work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY: Okay, and what
experience did you gain?
JERRY: (points at resume)
Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job. I was also responsible for
emotional support and companionship. I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook
and am certainly more tender and caring than I was. I think that's a big plus
for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY: I see... Now before
your last relationship you had a series of brief encounters.
JERRY: Yes...Now I know that
may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different
opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY: Well once again I draw
your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY: I don't know that this
is time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY: I apologize. I'm
nervous.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for a
man with confidence. Now, quite frankly I am concerned about this homosexual
relationship in 83...
JERRY: I'm a bit of a risk
taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points. I decided to try that
option but after an isolated few dozen incidents I quickly discovered that it
wasn't for me.
NANCY: I don't know Jerry,
you're all over the map. It seems to me that you're just the sort of
relationship I'm trying to stay away from. Look at this, 3 months here, a
weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office Christmas party. And
I've checked your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people
in your past.
JERRY: I think if you give me
a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY: I'm sorry but I don't
think so Jerry. Thank you for coming in.
JERRY: Please, give me a
chance.
NANCY: Jerry. There's no
point. I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. (swhe rises) Now good afternoon.
JERRY: Nancy please. I need
this relationship. I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY: (sits) Pardon me?
JERRY: I'm desperate.
NANCY: You didn't mention that
on the resume.
JERRY: It's not a popular
quality.
NANCY: Well that depends...
JERRY: Please, I really need
this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY: Alright Jerry, I get
the idea. There's something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I
can work with you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship. I just
want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an easy task, ha
ha. Plus I will want comfort, support and understanding. There will be
interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an apartment until
such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week
and I want you to cut your hair and work on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY: Just about the
sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY: Mild kink with a touch
of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don't climax easily so be
prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY: Thanks.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
Only 54
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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