"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 2
Canadian
Birds Have Flu – Everyone Panic!!!!
When jittery
federal officials called a news conference a couple of days ago it was to report
what they knew all along:
a)Mother Nature hates mankind
b)Canadian birds have the flu, and
c)American Borders are puny little things that can’t stop the pot and
guns that run through them, let alone the mighty duck.
“We’re
doomed. It’s the end! Make love to as many nubile teens as you can, for one day
soon you will surely be dead,” cried Jim Clark of The Canadian Food Inspection
Agency (CFIA).
As a
pasty looking scientist slapped Clark about the face in the vain attempts of
calming him down, Clark continued to weep and cry out,” The virus... The deadly
mallard virus... The horrible virus... The deadly, horrible, mallard virus.”
“There’s
no need to panic,” assured the scientist, now punching Mr. Clark and delivering
the odd kick into his solar plexus, “Mr. Clark is an alcoholic and, um, a
paranoid schizophrenic. He’s out of his skull. The only reason we hired him is
because he’s a native Canadian and the laws state we have to hire a few of
them.”
When
someone pointed out that Mr. Clark was clearly a middle-aged white guy, the
scientist scoffed and muttered something about not believing it until he saw the
empirical evidence. He then bloodied Clark’s nose and ran away.
Of course within hours, the Ottawa news conference had spawned (much like, oh,
say a demon chicken spawn!!!) news flashes around the world carried by CNN and
Fox News.
”I’m scared and I just wet my pants. Does that mean I have the disease?” Wolf
Blitzer asked Larry King who assured him it most certainly does.
Meanwhile
over at Fox, Big Mouth O’Reilly complained that the only reason “this pestilent,
liberal disease made it into North America was because of those disgusting
Canadians and their flimsy immigration policies. Not to mention their vile
Trotsky-like ways.”
When
asked if he planned on sexually harassing any of the birds, Mr. O’Reilly scowled
and muttered, “Not unless they work for me...”
When asked how many ducks he had on staff and if he had sexually harassed any of
them, the loudmouthed schnook became his usual belligerent self, “That’s none of
your damn business,” he yelled.
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Splitting hairs is far more suited to someone of a more analytical nature.
You’re more of the “pull your hair out, scream like a baby and then hold your
breath until you pass out” kind of a person.
Taurus: You
would be wise to think before you act today, but, well, wisdom is not your
strong suit is it? (Don’t bother trying to figure out the answer, that was a
rhetorical question... You can find out what “rhetorical” means in the
dictionary... FYI: The dictionary is a book of definitions.)
Gemini: If you are out of your depth, you can pretend to swim and look
impressive while you rapidly sink and drown. Only you could make sinking
and drowning look impressive!
Cancer: You will continue to view belchers as people who expel gas
noisily from their stomachs through their mouths.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You have the teeth of a gopher and the swimming skills of a
gerbil. We call you “gophil.”
Libra: You have mastered the art of making an idiot of yourself. And all
thanks to how you look on your “thigh master.”
Scorpio: A street mime will get the better of you and have the last word.
Sagittarius: Your “knock knock” jokes will fall flat.
Capricorn: Your “puns” will fall flat.
Aquarius: Your drinking binge ends with you falling flat on your face.
Pisces: A key part of your life is becoming chaotic. Don’t be concerned,
just totally freak out!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom
Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Planner
So I’m supposed
to get all happy because Madonna defends my Scientology beliefs? Fat chance. Who
cares what that washed up skank has to say about anything? And don’t get me
started on her interest in the mystical Jewish teachings of the Kabbalah. She’s
a has been poseur, plain and simple and when I want her advice on anything it
will likely be on what today’s middle-aged slut is wearing. Hee, hee. I’m sooo
catty sometimes! Sigh... On a sadder note, I’m still dreading the “big day.”
Sometimes I question the sacrifices I make for my career. Anyway, fat Katie is
visiting her dreary provincial parents and trying to convince them that I am
wise to raise our children (still haven’t got Katie to fess up on who the dad
is) as little Scientologists. They aren’t exactly thrilled about it. Hmph!
They’re lucky I don’t have them destroyed. Maybe one day...
Dating Resume
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy and Jerry sit at a
conference table, she is reviewing a file.
NANCY: Well Jerry, your resume
looks very good. There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY: Really?
NANCY: There's only one "s" in
intercourse.
JERRY: Oh, right. Sorry about
that.
NANCY: That's alright. We can
overlook it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY: Of course...fire away.
NANCY: It says here that your
last relationship was three years long, but there is no indication of why you
left.
JERRY: Well, to be honest,I
felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend -- had become static and
that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like complacency, and wasn't
crazy about her mother, and I think that one must constantly be trying to
achieve more.
NANCY: I see...
JERRY: It's not that I'm
fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY: And it took you three
years to determine that?
JERRY: I tried to make things
work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY: Okay, and what
experience did you gain?
JERRY: (points at resume)
Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job. I was also responsible for
emotional support and companionship. I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook
and am certainly more tender and caring than I was. I think that's a big plus
for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY: I see... Now before
your last relationship you had a series of brief encounters.
JERRY: Yes...Now I know that
may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different
opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY: Well once again I draw
your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY: I don't know that this
is time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY: I apologize. I'm
nervous.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for a
man with confidence. Now, quite frankly I am concerned about this homosexual
relationship in 83...
JERRY: I'm a bit of a risk
taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points. I decided to try that
option but after an isolated few dozen incidents I quickly discovered that it
wasn't for me.
NANCY: I don't know Jerry,
you're all over the map. It seems to me that you're just the sort of
relationship I'm trying to stay away from. Look at this, 3 months here, a
weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office Christmas party. And
I've checked your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people
in your past.
JERRY: I think if you give me
a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY: I'm sorry but I don't
think so Jerry. Thank you for coming in.
JERRY: Please, give me a
chance.
NANCY: Jerry. There's no
point. I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. (swhe rises) Now good afternoon.
JERRY: Nancy please. I need
this relationship. I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY: (sits) Pardon me?
JERRY: I'm desperate.
NANCY: You didn't mention that
on the resume.
JERRY: It's not a popular
quality.
NANCY: Well that depends...
JERRY: Please, I really need
this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY: Alright Jerry, I get
the idea. There's something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I
can work with you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship. I just
want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an easy task, ha
ha. Plus I will want comfort, support and understanding. There will be
interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an apartment until
such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week
and I want you to cut your hair and work on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY: Just about the
sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY: Mild kink with a touch
of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don't climax easily so be
prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY: Thanks.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
Only 53
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
