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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 5
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for the lovelorn, stitch-faced,
bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and all monstrous stops in-between
and between the in-between.
Ask
Frank!
The Incredible Mr. Limpet
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m a single, divorced, fantastic, attractive, 55 year old male. I’m fit but
also, um, well, impotent. I’ve tried potency drugs, sheep’s placenta, covering
myself in bee honey, voodoo, and when combined, they all help. Now I’m trying to
find a suitable long-term partner. At what stage in my relationship should I let
the person know of my problem thingy? Oh, and also, when I do get it up, I like
ejaculating into woman’s shoes. So, what do you say, big guy?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Frankenstein say, maybe you better off not looking for right woman
but searching for right shoe. Or left shoe. You marry shoe, not woman. You hear
me? But, if you must search for woman (and stay away from Bride of
Frankenstein!), then tell her all about it on first date. See how she react. If
she shun you like torch wielding villagers shun Frankenstein then you know she
not right for you. If she find it fascinating, then she just as big weirdo as
you are and you two be happy. This way save time. Marrggggggghhhhhh!
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Pack your day full of things to do, places to go and people to see...and then
come to the sad revelation that you have no places to go or people to see. From
there it’s a quick two-step to the TV.
Taurus:
You may be your
own worst enemy,
but your habit of punching yourself in the face could win you some fair weather
friends. And who knows, maybe one of them could ultimately end up as your new
worst enemy.
Gemini: The only thing you have a handle on is your broom.
Cancer: It may annoy you that someone who you live with insists on
everything being done their way. But that’s why God invented handguns.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You will continue to view pickles as
edible
products that have been preserved and flavored in a solution of brine or
vinegar.
Libra:
Your love of circus geeks and your pet gerbil come together in ways that shock
and traumatize you.
Scorpio: You will suffer from... What’s that word called where you forget
everything? Amnesia! You will suffer from amnesia. It’s troubling indeed. Our
advice is to forget about it.
Sagittarius: Instead of telling others what they want to hear why not
belch in their faces?
Capricorn: You aren't seeing things too clearly. Don't let your heart
rule your head. Get sound advice from someone you trust before you make a
commitment. You can't fix problems unless you understand them. There you go,
four useless clichés to ponder over.
Aquarius: You’re flying low.
Pisces: Ah Pisces, once again, nothing for you today.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Journal:
Barbara Walters called and wants me on her “The 10 Most Fascinating People of
2005.” I’ve always thought I was fascinating and this confirms it!!! I’m also
sexy! Although looking at the other nine, I’m not sure I want to be lumped in
with them... That “Desperate Housewives” TV actor Teri Hatcher? Give me a
break!!!!! Condoleezza Rice? Who the hell is she? And Thomas Mesereau, never
heard of him. Even more grating, the “absolute, most can't-take-your-eyes-off
person of the year” isn’t me. It’s someone else!!! I ask you, who could possibly
be more fascinating than me? It better not be that woman who gave Bush all that
grief. I mean, come on, sure, she’s got a dead son, but I’ve got great teeth and
fantastic hair... On another note of pure indignity, the prenup with Katie is
still getting hammered out. I have to talk to her vile father like five times a
day!!! I have so many bitter tears that y eyes are becoming permanently puffy!
This could destroy my career! Life is so unfair.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
Only 50
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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