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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 6
Savage Vikings Prove God Doesn’t Exist
The Minnesota
Vikings have encouraged team mates to “attack and pillage” a local TV station in
response to a report Thursday night related to the infamous “God Theory.”
At least 10 signs - reading "Boycott Channel 5" above a red circle/slash through
the KSTP-TV logo - were posted in the locker room Friday.
After getting a tip that offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie and running back
Mewelde Moore were seen nervously dumping garbage at a construction site near
their Eden Prairie homes, KSTP reporter Kristin Stinar happily rummaged through
the filthy dumpster and discovered trash belonging to McKinnie as well as stray
bits of food for her to eat.
She also found a list
expounding on the virtues of atheism and a paper proving that God doesn’t exist.
But McKinnie said the theories were just “some ponderings me and the fellas got
up to while watching PBS.”
"Okay, yeah, my theories
disproving the existence of God are revolutionary,” he conceded, “but I didn’t
want to share them with the common troglodytes who watch football.”
The Vikings were angry
about an invasion of privacy and called on Thor and the God Odin to take care of
their enemies. Although McKinnie did admit he had also written a paper proving
the Nordic Gods also didn’t exist and that polytheism was an even bigger waste
of time than monotheism.
The Viking’s organization is distancing itself from McKinnie, his theories on
the all types of religion, as well as the team’s ban on KSTP-TV. "We don't
condone boycotting any media outlet," vice president for public affairs Lester
Bagley said, "but on the other hand, we are Vikings so we must attack and
pillage, Hey, it’s what we do.”
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for the lovelorn, stitch-faced,
bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and all monstrous stops in-between
and between the in-between.
Ask
Frank!
The Incredible Mr. Limpet
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m a single, divorced, fantastic, attractive, 55 year old male. I’m fit but
also, um, well, impotent. I’ve tried potency drugs, sheep’s placenta, covering
myself in bee honey, voodoo, and when combined, they all help. Now I’m trying to
find a suitable long-term partner. At what stage in my relationship should I let
the person know of my problem thingy? Oh, and also, when I do get it up, I like
ejaculating into woman’s shoes. So, what do you say, big guy?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Frankenstein say, maybe you better off not looking for right woman
but searching for right shoe. Or left shoe. You marry shoe, not woman. You hear
me? But, if you must search for woman (and stay away from Bride of
Frankenstein!), then tell her all about it on first date. See how she react. If
she shun you like torch wielding villagers shun Frankenstein then you know she
not right for you. If she find it fascinating, then she just as big weirdo as
you are and you two be happy. This way save time. Marrggggggghhhhhh!
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's Featured Album
The Best Of The Singing Postman
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. One of
these bleedin’ days I’ll kill all me fellow employees (the postman’s anthem)
2. Hey luv, how about inviting me in for a (wink, wink) cup ‘a tea?
3. The things I read when I read yer mail
4. Here’s yer Eviction Notice (don’t shoot the bloody messenger!)
Side Two
1. No “Male” for the fat slag
2. Rear Delivery
3. Call off yer bleedin’ dog
4. Is it any wonder I drink?
Cor and bleeding hell, is it any wonder he drinks? So call of yer bleedin’
dog and shut off that old transistor, ‘cos the
singing postman’s gonna sooth your football hooligan filled soul with classic
British folk. Yeah, we bloody know it’s not as dead sexy as all them bloody pop
groups that are taking the Yanks by storm, but get your eyes wrapped around his
frightful mug. Poor bugger doesn’t have chance, so best to stick to folk. Any
bloody way, that rock n’ roll is just a phase. Be gone by tomorrow, I tell you
wot.
Edna,
a fat slag 1969
Cover Photo: Edna
© 1969 Fat Slags Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Try to get along with everyone and focus on more challenging prospects.
Open-mindedness will be the key to your success. Okay, there it is, some good
advice. But will you pay any attention to it? Noooo!
Taurus: You
will continue to view bubbles as
thin, usually spherical or hemispherical
films of liquid filled with air or gas.
Gemini:
Do you
want a wild adventure or just a change of pace? Anyway it goes, you’re getting
neither.
Cancer:
You
consider your coworkers to be part of your extended family, and they view you
like you were the weird, smelly old uncle.
Leo:
See above.
Virgo: The liberal media will continue to infuriate you.
Libra: The less you reveal about yourself the happier everyone else is.
Scorpio: Venus, planet of harmony, really pisses you off.
Sagittarius:
A fiery new
friend has been secretly trying to catch your eye for some time now. And you've
been trying to tell yourself that you're imagining it, but it's not working.
Yup, you’re going to sell your soul to Lucifer.
Capricorn: Your search for a love slave continues.
Aquarius: Everyone has secrets, even an Aquarius, and if there is
something you would prefer the world not know about then just keep your big
bazoo shut.
Pisces: You still won’t tolerate wusses.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Journal:
I received an
award for becoming the biggest ever money donor to the Church of Scientology!!!!
Okay, it’s not an Academy Award, but it made me feel like a big shot. And I am,
baby! Yes, I’m oh so fabulous and I really think I’m wonderful. Anyway, more
about my award – it’s called the Diamond Meritorious Award, and I got for
donating millions of dollars to the organization. Rat Girl joined me as I
collected the accolade at the three-day Scientology gala. God, she really cramps
my style. There was this absolutely delicious young man there that I would have
liked to get better acquainted with but she put a damper on that with her, “Tom,
my feet are sore... Tom, my bladder hurts... Tom, I’m tired and want to go
home...” She is so dreary and she completely ruined my big night. Later, she
forced herself upon me. It was awful!!! I closed my eyes and thought of The
Village People.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
adonis tattoo
sinister sex
frankenstein wedding tune
retro housewife
phallus statue
make it look like an accident
snorting actors stoned party
tom cruise flaming homosexual
popes snow
humping ants
Only 49
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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