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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 8
Bush on
Torture
His
popularity plummeting (hey, when was the last time you read that?), President
Bush vigorously defended U.S. interrogation of suspected terrorists after the
public disclosure of secret CIA prisoner camps in eastern European countries.
“We do not torture,” he declared.
“We coerce.
And when we convince people to talk, we use dogs, bamboo shoots, water, fire,
the rack, sleep deprivation, and electrodes attached to their genitals. If you
want to call that torture, well, ha, ha, ha, that’s your prerogative, I look at
it this way... Um, it’s not torture.”
Over White House opposition, the Senate has passed legislation banning torture.
A furious and torture loving Dick Cheney is seeking an exemption for the CIA and
everyone else. “Torture is a good thing,” Cheney said dragging his long yellow,
pointy nails across a blackboard. “It’s how I got my wife to marry me. It’s how
I convinced my no longer gay daughter to stop being a homo and it’s what I do to
George and America everyday. Torture rocks! Especially if you’re incorporating
rocks into the torture.”
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
Arguments have always been your specialty. That, and acting petty. Oh, and
holding a grudge. Let’s not forget whining, boy, can you whine. And complain.
You’re always doing that too. Anyway, the point is you’re an argumentative,
petty, grudge-holding, whining complainer.
Taurus:
Everywhere you've turned lately, you've been asked to take charge or offer
advice, and right now you're being asked to mediate an argument. That's not
going to be easy, but you really don't mind, do you? Um, okay... If you
answered “yes” then we suggest you go back, read this horoscope again and then
answer “no.”
Gemini:
Pushing the envelope now with a friend won't get you anywhere, and it could
cause permanent problems. But then again, aren’t friends just “fiends” without
the “r”? Push the envelope!!!
Cancer:
If an
argument starts up with your sweetheart, it's probably going to be for reasons
neither of you will be quite sure of afterward. But one thing is for certain:
Alcohol will probably be involved.
Leo:
Let the universe guide you. Lord knows your own intuitions haven’t worked.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: You will continue to view clouds as
visible
bodies of very fine water droplets or ice particles suspended in the atmosphere
at altitudes ranging up to several miles above sea level.
Scorpio:
You've
been feeling like something major this way comes, and you're absolutely right.
Expect a huge bowel movement today!
Sagittarius:
When
you find your dream, you will want to help lots of people find theirs. Yeah,
right!
Capricorn:
Your love of sushi and a friend’s fish tank will come together in disturbing
ways.
Aquarius: You start wearing your nightgown to work. It’s the beginning of
the end.
Pisces: Once again you get short shrift in the horoscope department.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Journal:
I
was studying that Wiley Coyote from the Roadrunner cartoons. Really getting to
know his character and get into his head. You see, he hates that roadrunner as
much as I do Katie and her insufferable family. I figured I might get a few tips
on how to destroy them from him. I tried using the Acme Rocket Sled to run her
down but that just ended up stretching my limbs about 50 ft. I then tried some
of the Acme Explosive Products and again had really mixed results usually ending
with me with black gun powder all over my face and lots of singed hair. I
studied the cartoons further and discovered that that coyote really is a crazy
clown and he hasn’t once succeeded in killing that roadrunner. That was
depressing. I mean, talk about a bad role model. I’ll have to study someone who
was more successful at doing away with “unwanted problems.”
A Place In My Heart
INT. CAR -- MORNING
Dan sits in parked car and continually honks his horn.
DAN: (yelling out car window)
Come on Terry, speed it up. I don't have all day...Hustle it up man...jump over
the fence, come on...run...run...That's a boy.
Enter Terry covered in twigs.
TERRY: Sorry about the delay Dan. I guess I'm not quite used to the old routine
yet.
DAN: No sweat, we got lots of time. So...
TERRY: So?
DAN: So welcome back you old dog!
(puts him in a headlock)
Noogie! You feeling better?
TERRY: Yes thanks Dan. And thanks for the flowers. That was nice of you.
Dan starts up the car.
DAN: No sweat, tax deductible... So...?
TERRY: Yes?
DAN: Jesus, it's like pulling teeth. So how did it feel to have a heart attack?
TERRY: Pretty terrifying.
DAN: I bet. One minute you're staring at a great pair of gams, the next -- Blamo!
Still, the nurses huh? Huh? But the important thing is you're okay and there's
no point in dwelling on it.
TERRY: I guess not.
DAN: So everything's ticking away like clockwork now?
TERRY: Well I have to be careful.
DAN: Right...No loud noises or sudden shocks. (he slams the horn)
Asshole!!! Some people...So, I hear Dobson was boffing your wife while you were
laid up.
TERRY: What???
DAN: Relax spud, I was kidding. Jesus, don't tell me they triple bypassed your
sense of humour too...
TERRY: That's not funny Dan.
DAN: You're right, I was way out of line? (pulls out pack of cigarettes)
Smoke?
TERRY: I had to quit.
DAN: You? Old three packs a day Terry? Mr. Chimney! Must be tough. Not this old
dog though (he lights up. Terry begins to unroll window) Hey keep the
window up, the air stinks. Anyway look Terry, I feel like shit about that crack
about Dobson and your wife. What do you say I take you out to lunch for a steak
and a few cold ones.
TERRY: Jesus Christ Dan, you know very well I can't do that.
DAN: Hey slow down, you'll pop an option.
TERRY: Alright, it's just, you don't know what it's like.
DAN: And that's another thing. I'm getting just a little tired of this sicker
than thou attitude of yours.
TERRY: Gee Dan, I'm sorry if I've been acting selfish.
DAN: That's okay. We're friends. Just be at ball practice at 6 on the nose and
we'll say no more about it.
TERRY: ...I can't play ball, Dan.
DAN: Oh fucking great. Is this what it's going to be like from now on Terry? Are
you going to wimp out of everything just because you had an itsy bitsy heart
attack?
TERRY: Look Dan, in case you don't understand let me spell it out for you...I
nearly died, I was on the operating table for over 7 hours while they stitched
and sewed my heart back together to give me another chance. And then there was
six weeks of therapy. Six weeks, Dan!
Pause.
DAN: Oh Boo hoo hoo. And who do you think had to do your paper work Terry? It
wasn't a doctor, Terry. It wasn't a therapist. It wasn't me, but the point is,
you think you've had it rough. Well you're not alone fella.
TERRY: I know that, but I came so close, so very close to death. It makes a man
think.
DAN: Break out the violins.
(slams car horn and yells at traffic) Move it! For God's sake...Agghhh!
TERRY: What is it?
DAN: Nothing...Aghhhhh...nothing at all...
TERRY: You don't look well Dan.
DAN: I'm fine. I just feel kind of...funny. Like indigestion, only worse...It'll
pass.
TERRY: Dan, pull over!
DAN: Don't be a wuss. I'm fine. Jesus, now you're an expert on health, huh? Well
listen here Smedgrick, my hearts as healthy as...Aggghhhh!
TERRY: Is your arm tingling?
DAN: A little...
TERRY: For God's sake Dan...
DAN: Jesus! Terry, I'm scared...help me.
TERRY: Sure Dan, I'll help you...I'll let Dobson know you're going to be laid up
if he wants to boff your wife!
DAN: What? Terry, this is serious, I think something's wrong.
TERRY: Well as long as you can make ball practice!
DAN: Please, Terry...Oh Terry...
TERRY: Maybe we should stop for a steak and a beer!!!
Dan who has begun to slump on the driver's wheel suddenly bursts out
laughing.
DAN: A steak and a beer... Hahahahahahaha, that's funny...I was just kidding,
Terry. Thought I'd let you see what it's like to drive around with Mr. Sickly. I
did a pretty good imitation to, huh? Looked just like you when I found you on
the bathroom floor...Now, no more nonsense about heart attacks, okay, we're late
for work.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
avery is a slut
why you should vote
iron maiden morph
gila monster arizona
katie holmes groin kick
milton berle large dick
tom cruise emission impossible
how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 47
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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