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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 12
Imaginary Date
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM -- EVENING
Freddy and Glen comb their hair in front of a mirror.
FREDDY: Come on Glen you can't back out now. Besides, Lucy only agreed to go out
with me if I could find a date for her imaginary friend.
GLEN: And you think that's healthy, you want to date this woman?
FREDDY: Mental stability is highly over rated. I know it's unusual, but I'm just
asking you to play along, and besides, if you don't like her you never have to
see her again.
GLEN: Very funny.
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Glen, Freddy, Lucy and imaginary Mandy seated at table.
LUCY: That movie was great, I could see Harvey a million times. Well if you men
will excuse us, Mandy and I really need to use the powder room. Come on, Mandy.
Lucy and her imaginary friend exit to the bath room.
FREDDY: Boy Glen, that Mandy is quite a knockout...hahaha...
GLEN: I outta kill you.
FREDDY: Shhh...I don't think she's left the room yet.
GLEN: I'm glad you think this is funny because as far as I'm concerned it's
sick.
FREDDY: (barely able to stifle his laughter) I can't believe you sat on her --
TWICE!
GLEN: And having to fork out twenty dollars for a meal she hasn't even
touched...I'm leaving after dinner.
FREDDY: Come on, please, hang in for another hour...I have a romantic drive in
the country planned.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Lucy and Freddy in back seat. Glen sits in front passenger seat next to empty
driver's seat, the car is not moving.
GLEN: Maybe you should let me drive Mandy.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
The car is parked in the country. Glen and Mandy are inn the back seat. Lucy
and Freddy in the front.
FREDDY: Look Lucy I'm really sorry, my hand slipped.
LUCY: And your tongue?
From the back seat we hear Glen moaning in ecstasy.
FREDDY: Will you shut up Glen?
LUCY: At least he knows how to treat a woman.
GLEN: Oh yes...me too.. yes... Oh yes!
FREDDY: I said shut up!
LUCY: I'm getting out of here, I'll walk home. Coming Mandy?
GLEN: (popping his head up from back seat) Yes...she is... She really is...
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
Glen and Freddy. In the room are framed blank pictures all over the walls.
GLEN: She's late.
FREDDY: How can you tell?
GLEN: I don't mean that...I mean...late. I think I got her pregnant.
FREDDY: You got an imaginary girl pregnant?
GLEN: I don't understand it, I used an imaginary condom.
FREDDY: This is truly getting weird. First you plaster her picture everywhere
and now this.
GLEN: I think I love her.
FREDDY: She's imaginary.
GLEN: Racist!
FREDDY: She doesn't exist.
GLEN: Oh sure...well we all have our faults buddy, and hers aren't going to stop
me from marrying her.
FREDDY: I can't wait to meet her folks.
INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT
A slightly drunk Glen arrives home.
GLEN: I'm home... Yeah... yeah... Alright! Sorry, so I had a few beers, so what?
Yeah... Shut up... Can't you ever close that god damned yap of yours... No... No
I did not...with who? Get outta here... Your imagining things... Don't start...
You're so transparent... Yes, that was a slight. Oh give me...LOOK IT'S BEEN A
LONG DAY...Oh sorry, I didn't know the kids were in the room...
He pats an imaginary child's head.
GLEN: We'll talk later.
EXT. GRAVE SIDE -- MORNING
GLEN: Oh honey, I can't believe that you're gone...that I'll never see you
again. I wish I had been nicer, told you that I loved you more often. Good-bye
my love, I will miss you...
Glen is pushed into empty grave.
GLEN: Huh? Mandy? You were standing behind me the whole time...you're not dead?
Stop laughing Mandy this isn't funny, it wasn't funny the first time...I can't
believe it...
A shovel full of dirt hits his face.
GLEN: You're killing me Mandy, do you hear me? Killing me...
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Harpo Says...
Had a fast coffee with Steve
Harpo. Boy, are his already too tight knickers knotted up in a knot. He’s plenty
PO’d by the latest Liberal mini-budget/vote bribe.
“Three budgets in less than a
year? And this is another one of those sweet deals that will make people like
Paul and vote for Paul. It’s not fair. Just for once I want people to like Steve
and vote for Steve! That would be so great,” he then smiled dreamily and asked
aloud, “Can you imagine if I was Prime Minister?"
”I sure can, “ I replied, “we’d be George Bush’s little lap dog... Oh, and deep
in his war for oil. And instead of gays getting married, I suspect you’d have
them banished.”
“Yeah,
it would be great,” he said while sipping on his cappuccino.
 Your Horoscope.
Aries: You can tuck the tissues back into the
kitchen drawer. As of later this evening, you'll be back to your old self again,
ready to make everyone else around you and reaching for their tissues.
Taurus: See
above. Or below! So many options...
Gemini: It’s okay to focus on your career for a while. After all, you da'
Garbage Man!
Cancer: You will continue to view spats as
past tense and a past participle of spit.
Leo: Every so often, the stars get together just right and end up
providing a day that's good for everyone, but perfect for one particular sign.
That’s not in the “stars” for you today, but we did want to share that little
bit of information with you.
Virgo: You will get very anxious about your anxiety levels.
Libra: You can take on this extra work – just delegate it to
someone else. See, that wasn’t so hard.
Scorpio: Your love of little known
Shakespearian puns is really rather pretentious.
Sagittarius: Been losing or misplacing things lately? An absent
mind is the burden of a genius. Or a sign of oncoming senility.
Capricorn: Put all your energy into your pet project – deworming
your cat.
Aquarius: Getting some cash together won't be tough -- not for
you, and especially not now. That gun of yours gets you practically anything you
want!
Pisces: Treat yourself well today.
Try to up your chocolate intake -- and sneak in a nap. Add booze to the mix. And
crack. You can’t go wrong with heroin or bathroom pharmaceuticals. Mix together
and shake well on the dance floor.
This Week's Featured Album
Moscow Nights Popular Russian Hits
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. Cold
War Comrade (Everyone Is Doing The...) Yuri and The Yusomokavs
2. Da Da Da The State Machine
3. Tonight We Eat Potatoes Boris & The Russian Bears
4. Marxism, Leninism, Stalinism – It’s All Good! The Automaton Comrades
Side Two
1. Cold Russian Nights & No Soles On My Boots Cold War Brides
2. Betrayed My Baby (To The Secret Police) Yakov
Smirnoff and Kicking God Boys
3. Do The Minsk (Recorded Live In Minsk) Dimitri & The Imperialist Dogs
4. Our Nuclear Superiority The Stalin Kids
5. No Disco in Moscow The Sputnik Band
Popular Russian
Bands are
riding high in the music world. If you are not dancing to them and smiling then
we shall send you to Siberia. You will be liking this album, comrade. If you
know what’s good for you. You understand, da? You will cower and dance to the
“fear wave” of great new Russian songs about The Great Motherland. Those who do
not dance will be exterminated. If you see someone who is not dancing, then
inform the Secret Police. If you do not inform the Secret Police then that makes
you a traitor to the Motherland as well. Now dance! That's an order!
Boris
Badenoff 1968
Cover Photo:
Comrade #126zx © 1968 Sputnik Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gory leprosy victim
pictures
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how to be an office rat
what animal does aunt betsy hate?
Only 43
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
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