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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 16
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
So, Let’s
Do This Thing!
Prime Minister Paul
Martin is quite a guy. He pulls magical tax cuts out of his mini-budget-hole (I
don’t call him “The Great Martini” for nothing) and then he wails about his
opponents, The Three Wise Guys, being opportunistic when they call for an early
election. What he seems to have forgotten is that they’re not the guys dishing
out the 39 billion dollar bribe to voters, and Great Martini or not, he’s a
minority prime minister, which means if those three wise guys want to gang up on
him and make him, you know, their bitch, then they have every constitutional
right do it.
And let’s
be honest (just this once) those three wise guys aren’t stupid (well, all things
being relative) and they know that the stink of the Gomery report and sleazy
Liberal corruption can’t last forever. And so after a whole lot of teeth
gnashing, name calling and flip flopping (Mr. Layton, that last bud’s for you)
they have decided the time is now for the government to fall...
The Great Martini says an early election will get in the way of important
government business, but come on, we all know that no real important business
happens in the government. Real business happens in the real world. And aside
from messing up my plans to get smashed on eggnog everyday, an election won’t, I
suppose, totally ruin our lives. It will mean that I’ll have to get a hundred
people in my neighbourhood to sign a petition saying they’ll vote for me, which
means getting off my ass, which is the sacrifice one makes when they enter the
political arena.
And we’ll go through it all for yet another Liberal Minority Government!
So, okay, fine, enough talk: Let’s do this thing!
Your Horoscope
Aries:
The sale of your possessions is moving slowly. Maybe you should keep that
8-Track player.
Taurus: You
will continue to view sprats as young herring.
Gemini: You will continue to view Herring Young as a little known stand
up comedian.
Cancer: You will continue to view stand up comedy with disdain.
Leo: You will continue to view disdain with disdain.
Virgo: You will continue to view disdain as a verb.
Libra: You will continue to use verbs in everyday conversations.
Scorpio: You will continue to view everyday conversations as a waste of
time.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Your love of burning books is back in fashion!
Aquarius: An errant piece of cheese and your overriding hunger will
result in gastrointestinal nightmares.
Pisces: Enjoy a quiet night in – make a semi okay dinner, rent a
crappy movie and relax. And that’s a goddamn order!!!
This Week's Featured Album
Eddie Jackson!
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. The Happy, Crazy, Screaming Eddie Jackson Song
2. The Barber Shop Hop and Dirge
3. La Cucaracha (Screaming Mix)
4. Blow the Man Down (Traditional)
5. For He’s A Jolly Dead Fella’ (A Cappella)
6. Ave Marie (Live At A Slaughter House)
Side Two
1. Hello My Baby, I’m Gonna Kill Ya
2. Goodbye My Coney Island Victim
3. Roll Out The Barrel Of My Gun
4. I Don’t Want Her, You Can Have Him, They’re Too Dead For Me
5. 'Auf Wiedersehen, I’m Strangling In White Gloves
Again
6. Whoopee! Look at Me! I’m On a Killing Spree!
Poor Eddie Jackson. Totally insane as you can see. Look at that lower button
on his jacket. That’s the one! Just above what looks to be his open fly. Or
something equally maniacal... Of course the rumors about him were all true. And
lord, I should know. Cos, I’m Eddie Jackson! ...And folks, I’m a study in High
Fidelity: Which is also known as “personal demons.” Just call me Crazy Eddie! I
do Barber Shop. But get this: I do it solo. I’m a lone Barbershop howling wolf.
A Barber Shop Rebel. I don’t play or sing by the Barbershop rules. I’m out
there. Alone. An artiste. A ground breaker. A face breaker too. Oh, and everyone
says I look like that dad character from that awful “Everybody Loves Raymond” TV
show... Basically, I’m a pretty simple guy. Yeah, I can dance and sing. But I
can also turn violent. On a dime! I mean, come on; look at me! You should have
seen what I did to this guy who told me I was bastardizing the art of
Barbershop... I went totally genitals on the guy’s nuts. I mean, nuts on the
guy’s genitals. And then I killed him. It was the kindest thing I could have
done at that stage. Yes, I danced all over him while singing a barbershop
standard. It was “Moonlight Bay.” And it was beautiful... My rendition of the
song, that is. The rest of it was really rather messy. Not to mention loaded
with carnage and splayed guts and pieces of membrane. But that’s the solo Barber
Shop life for ya. It ain’t always corny harmonies and bland songs. Sometimes
people die... Mostly at the hands of me – Crazy Eddie Jackson!
Eddie
Jackson 2005
Cover Photo:
Chris Vigianni © 2005 Eddie Records
Imaginary Date
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM -- EVENING
Freddy and Glen comb their hair in front of a mirror.
FREDDY: Come on Glen you can't back out now. Besides, Lucy only agreed to go out
with me if I could find a date for her imaginary friend.
GLEN: And you think that's healthy, you want to date this woman?
FREDDY: Mental stability is highly over rated. I know it's unusual, but I'm just
asking you to play along, and besides, if you don't like her you never have to
see her again.
GLEN: Very funny.
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Glen, Freddy, Lucy and Imaginary Mandy seated at table.
LUCY: That movie was great, I could see Harvey a million times. Well if you men
will excuse us, Mandy and I really need to use the powder room. Come on, Mandy.
Lucy and her Imaginary Friend exit to the bath room.
FREDDY: Boy Glen, that Mandy is quite a knockout...hahaha...
GLEN: I outta kill you.
FREDDY: Shhh...I don't think she's left the room yet.
GLEN: I'm glad you think this is funny because as far as I'm concerned it's
sick.
FREDDY: (barely able to stifle his laughter) I can't believe you sat on her --
TWICE!
GLEN: And having to fork out twenty dollars for a meal she hasn't even
touched...I'm leaving after dinner.
FREDDY: Come on, please, hang in for another hour...I have a romantic drive in
the country planned.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Lucy and Freddy in back seat. Glen sits in front passenger seat next to empty
driver's seat, the car is not moving.
GLEN: Maybe you should let me drive Mandy.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
The car is parked in the country. Glen and Imaginary Mandy are in the back seat. Lucy
and Freddy in the front.
FREDDY: Look Lucy I'm really sorry, my hand slipped.
LUCY: And your tongue?
From the back seat we hear Glen moaning in ecstasy.
FREDDY: Will you shut up, Glen?
LUCY: At least he knows how to treat a woman.
GLEN: Oh yes...me too.. yes... Oh yes!
FREDDY: I said shut up!
LUCY: I'm getting out of here, I'll walk home. Coming, Mandy?
GLEN: (popping his head up from back seat) Yes...she is... She really is...
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
Glen and Freddy. In the room are framed blank pictures all over the walls.
GLEN: She's late.
FREDDY: How can you tell?
GLEN: I don't mean that...I mean...late. I think I got her pregnant.
FREDDY: You got an imaginary girl pregnant?
GLEN: I don't understand it, I used an imaginary condom.
FREDDY: This is truly getting weird. First you plaster her picture everywhere
and now this.
GLEN: I think I love her.
FREDDY: She's imaginary.
GLEN: Racist!
FREDDY: She doesn't exist.
GLEN: Oh sure...well we all have our faults buddy, and hers aren't going to stop
me from marrying her.
FREDDY: I can't wait to meet her folks.
INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT
A slightly drunk Glen arrives home.
GLEN: I'm home... Yeah... yeah... Alright! Sorry, so I had a few beers, so what?
Yeah... Shut up... Can't you ever close that god damned yap of yours... No... No
I did not...with who? Get outta here... Your imagining things... Don't start...
You're so transparent... Yes, that was a slight. Oh give me...LOOK IT'S BEEN A
LONG DAY...Oh sorry, I didn't know the kids were in the room...
He pats an imaginary child's head.
GLEN: We'll talk later.
EXT. GRAVE SIDE -- MORNING
GLEN: Oh honey, I can't believe that you're gone...that I'll never see you
again. I wish I had been nicer, told you that I loved you more often. Good-bye
my love, I will miss you...
Glen is pushed into empty grave.
GLEN: Huh? Mandy? You were standing behind me the whole time...you're not dead?
Stop laughing Mandy this isn't funny, it wasn't funny the first time...I can't
believe it...
A shovel full of dirt hits his face.
GLEN: You're killing me Mandy, do you hear me? Killing me...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
crystal meth jokes
canadian election insanity
saint avery
ant buddy
north caroling lesbian cheerleader
press release al jazeera
lollipot
fucking balloons democrat
drinking bull semen on wedding night
curious george birthday card
Only 39
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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