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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 17
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
My
Lunch With Jack
Shared an aperitif with fab flip flopper Jack Layton. He made all kinds of
snarky digs at Paul Martin’s expense and repeatedly called him “Princely Paul.”
Mildly funny stuff, if not a tad hypocritical considering that Jack is “the
undisputed king of rhetoric.” Ah, but where would we be without politicians and
their rhetoric? Probably in our happy place. Anyway, now that Jack’s no longer
snuggled up with the Liberals and is making the beast with three backs with the
Reform Party (aka Conservative Party) and the Bloc, he’s really keen on sticking
the knife into Paul while putting the boot in at the same time. After his second
sparkling wine, his diatribe became more sparkling as well: half-lit, he lit
into Mr. Martin again and claimed that he was responsible for the death of
optimistic voters (wha?), the death of the TV sitcom (huh?), the death of rock
n’ roll (okay, maybe...), the death of the near-death experience (I don’t see
that one), the death of God and Nietzsche (a bit of a
stretch), and the death of a salesman. Fascinating stuff – for sure; but
after about 20 minutes, rather headache inducing. When he realized I was
drinking water he actually offered to turn it into wine. I suggested he walk on
it and he seemed agreeable. Told him I had to make a phone call and ducked out.
As I left, I noticed he was yelling at a busboy to bring him loaves of bread,
Goodale’s head, some good ale, fresh veal chops, canapés, wild boar, and lepers
to heal.
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You may be decisive by nature but you would do well to learn from Libra. (See
Libra)
Taurus: Thanks
a hell of a lot Capricorn. Oh, and you spelt “Taurus” wrong. Moron... Okay,
listen up. No lie, all of today’s questions can honestly be answered by Virgo.
(see Virgo)
Gemini: You are happy to teach Pisces a thing or two about being indecisive
but would advise them to look to Scorpio for advice. (see Scorpio)
Cancer: Thanks a lot Sagittarius! Okay, where were we? Oh, right! See
Below.
Leo: For more practical advice, please see Aquarius.
Virgo: You may be decisive by nature but you would do well to
learn from Aries. (See Aries)
Libra: You are decisive by nature but you would do well to learn
from Pisces. (see Pisces)
Scorpio: Although you’re not fond of giving advice you are willing to direct
seekers of it to Sagittarius.(see below)
Sagittarius: Scorpio passes the buck to you and you pass it to Cancer.
(see Cancer)
Capricorn: Don’t look to Capricorn for the final word, look to Tarus.
Aquarius: So here you are looking for practical advice. Fine... Yes, you
are decisive by nature, but look to Capricorn for the final word on all of this.
Pisces: You are decisive by nature but you would do well to learn
about the joys of being indecisive from Gemini. (see Gemini)
This Week's Featured Album
Eddie Jackson!
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1. The Happy, Crazy, Screaming Eddie Jackson Song
2. The Barber Shop Hop and Dirge
3. La Cucaracha (Screaming Mix)
4. Blow the Man Down (Traditional)
5. For He’s A Jolly Dead Fella’ (A Cappella)
6. Ave Marie (Live At A Slaughter House)
Side Two
1. Hello My Baby, I’m Gonna Kill Ya
2. Goodbye My Coney Island Victim
3. Roll Out The Barrel Of My Gun
4. I Don’t Want Her, You Can Have Him, They’re Too Dead For Me
5. 'Auf Wiedersehen, I’m Strangling In White Gloves
Again
6. Whoopee! Look at Me! I’m On a Killing Spree!
Poor Eddie Jackson. Totally insane as you can see. Look at that lower button
on his jacket. That’s the one! Just above what looks to be his open fly. Or
something equally maniacal... Of course the rumors about him were all true. And
lord, I should know. Cos, I’m Eddie Jackson! ...And folks, I’m a study in High
Fidelity: Which is also known as “personal demons.” Just call me Crazy Eddie! I
do Barber Shop. But get this: I do it solo. I’m a lone Barbershop howling wolf.
A Barber Shop Rebel. I don’t play or sing by the Barbershop rules. I’m out
there. Alone. An artiste. A ground breaker. A face breaker too. Oh, and everyone
says I look like that dad character from that awful “Everybody Loves Raymond” TV
show... Basically, I’m a pretty simple guy. Yeah, I can dance and sing. But I
can also turn violent. On a dime! I mean, come on; look at me! You should have
seen what I did to this guy who told me I was bastardizing the art of
Barbershop... I went totally genitals on the guy’s nuts. I mean, nuts on the
guy’s genitals. And then I killed him. It was the kindest thing I could have
done at that stage. Yes, I danced all over him while singing a barbershop
standard. It was “Moonlight Bay.” And it was beautiful... My rendition of the
song, that is. The rest of it was really rather messy. Not to mention loaded
with carnage and splayed guts and pieces of membrane. But that’s the solo Barber
Shop life for ya. It ain’t always corny harmonies and bland songs. Sometimes
people die... Mostly at the hands of me – Crazy Eddie Jackson!
Eddie
Jackson 2005
Cover Photo:
Chris Vigianni © 2005 Eddie Records
Imaginary Date
INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM -- EVENING
Freddy and Glen comb their hair in front of a mirror.
FREDDY: Come on Glen you can't back out now. Besides, Lucy only agreed to go out
with me if I could find a date for her imaginary friend.
GLEN: And you think that's healthy, you want to date this woman?
FREDDY: Mental stability is highly over rated. I know it's unusual, but I'm just
asking you to play along, and besides, if you don't like her you never have to
see her again.
GLEN: Very funny.
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Glen, Freddy, Lucy and Imaginary Mandy seated at table.
LUCY: That movie was great, I could see Harvey a million times. Well if you men
will excuse us, Mandy and I really need to use the powder room. Come on, Mandy.
Lucy and her Imaginary Friend exit to the bath room.
FREDDY: Boy Glen, that Mandy is quite a knockout...hahaha...
GLEN: I outta kill you.
FREDDY: Shhh...I don't think she's left the room yet.
GLEN: I'm glad you think this is funny because as far as I'm concerned it's
sick.
FREDDY: (barely able to stifle his laughter) I can't believe you sat on her --
TWICE!
GLEN: And having to fork out twenty dollars for a meal she hasn't even
touched...I'm leaving after dinner.
FREDDY: Come on, please, hang in for another hour...I have a romantic drive in
the country planned.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
Lucy and Freddy in back seat. Glen sits in front passenger seat next to empty
driver's seat, the car is not moving.
GLEN: Maybe you should let me drive Mandy.
INT. CAR -- NIGHT
The car is parked in the country. Glen and Imaginary Mandy are in the back seat. Lucy
and Freddy in the front.
FREDDY: Look Lucy I'm really sorry, my hand slipped.
LUCY: And your tongue?
From the back seat we hear Glen moaning in ecstasy.
FREDDY: Will you shut up, Glen?
LUCY: At least he knows how to treat a woman.
GLEN: Oh yes...me too.. yes... Oh yes!
FREDDY: I said shut up!
LUCY: I'm getting out of here, I'll walk home. Coming, Mandy?
GLEN: (popping his head up from back seat) Yes...she is... She really is...
INT. HOUSE -- DAY
Glen and Freddy. In the room are framed blank pictures all over the walls.
GLEN: She's late.
FREDDY: How can you tell?
GLEN: I don't mean that...I mean...late. I think I got her pregnant.
FREDDY: You got an imaginary girl pregnant?
GLEN: I don't understand it, I used an imaginary condom.
FREDDY: This is truly getting weird. First you plaster her picture everywhere
and now this.
GLEN: I think I love her.
FREDDY: She's imaginary.
GLEN: Racist!
FREDDY: She doesn't exist.
GLEN: Oh sure...well we all have our faults buddy, and hers aren't going to stop
me from marrying her.
FREDDY: I can't wait to meet her folks.
INT. HOUSE -- NIGHT
A slightly drunk Glen arrives home.
GLEN: I'm home... Yeah... yeah... Alright! Sorry, so I had a few beers, so what?
Yeah... Shut up... Can't you ever close that god damned yap of yours... No... No
I did not...with who? Get outta here... Your imagining things... Don't start...
You're so transparent... Yes, that was a slight. Oh give me...LOOK IT'S BEEN A
LONG DAY...Oh sorry, I didn't know the kids were in the room...
He pats an imaginary child's head.
GLEN: We'll talk later.
EXT. GRAVE SIDE -- MORNING
GLEN: Oh honey, I can't believe that you're gone...that I'll never see you
again. I wish I had been nicer, told you that I loved you more often. Good-bye
my love, I will miss you...
Glen is pushed into empty grave.
GLEN: Huh? Mandy? You were standing behind me the whole time...you're not dead?
Stop laughing Mandy this isn't funny, it wasn't funny the first time...I can't
believe it...
A shovel full of dirt hits his face.
GLEN: You're killing me Mandy, do you hear me? Killing me...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
crystal meth jokes
canadian election insanity
saint avery
ant buddy
north caroling lesbian cheerleader
press release al jazeera
lollipot
fucking balloons democrat
drinking bull semen on wedding night
curious george birthday card
Only 38
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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