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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 20
CLASS
PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home
to their parents.
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided
to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which
they painted with glaze.
The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see
the process.
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but
unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were
then allowed to take them home instead.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time...
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
What About
The White Witches?
Prime
Minister “Jittery Boy” Paul Martini got all cagey and warned that a Christmas
election campaign risks offending not just Christians but other religious and
ethic groups.
Yes, it’s true; elections somehow manage to offend everyone.
I asked Paul who he felt specifically (besides those easily offended Christians)
was also gonna feel the intrusive sting of the election.
“Well,”
He started (and a very good start, I might add), “there are all kinds of other
people who observe holidays and traditions around the same time we regular white
folks do.”
Clearly, his good start was quickly derailing.
”Can you give me an example, oh Great Martini?” I asked.
”Um, sure,” he replied, “there’s uh, the Jews, um, the Poles, the witches, and
what about Santa’s elves? I think they celebrate after the 25th.”
Okay, while I think he makes some very good points, it should be noted that none
of the opposition are buying this.
Stumbling, bumbling,
Jack "Iscariot" Layton dismissed Princely Paul’s concerns as disingenuous. “The
Prime Minister is such an asshole,” gloves off Jack said, “if he really cared
about the elves, he’d just agree with my motion to force a general election in
February. By then the elves would well rested and ready to vote.”
An incredulous Gilles Duceppe was, well, incredulous, “It’s completely
ridiculous and as a Frenchman, I know ridiculous,” he yelled, “So I guess that
means the Liberals were offending the elves when they had the Trudeau election
campaign in 1980?”
”Yes, we did,” Paul told me, “and it took a long time for the elves to come back
round. There a testy bunch of little mischievous creatures. But don’t say I
called them little, they’re sensitive about that and have magical powers.”
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You will have to strike the right balance today. We suggest using a closed fist
with a handful of pennies inside of it. That should get you the desired effect.
Taurus: Today
you will do The Bunny Hop. Go on, “Hop. Hop. Hop!”
Gemini: A Ziggy comic will infuriate you.
Cancer: You may be the joker in the zodiac but no one is laughing when
you pour live goldfish down your pants (well, except for you!).
Leo: You will continue to view elves as small, often mischievous
creatures considered to have magical powers.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: It may seem to others like you are not getting much done, and they
are 100% right.
Scorpio: You will break much wind today. And yet still you will be accused
of being "full of it." Life, it's so rich in irony.
Sagittarius: You will confuse an epoxy bond with James Bond – again!
Capricorn: You're really breaking out of your shell – but you
still have the face of a hermit crab.
Aquarius: Here it is again -- you, taking center stage as the
authority figure, thanks to the warmth and compassion in your nature... In your
dreams!
Pisces: If someone abuses your hospitality,
well, that is strange considering you never have offered anyone any hospitality.
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
crystal meth jokes
canadian election insanity
saint avery
ant buddy
north caroling lesbian cheerleader
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lollipot
fucking balloons democrat
drinking bull semen on wedding night
curious george birthday card
Only 35
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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