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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 23
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Yay! More
Posturing!
Deciding to
once again prove that politicians are essentially a waste of time, federal MPs
have passed an NDP motion that calls on Princely Prime Minister Paul Martini to
dissolve Parliament in January for a Feb. 13 election.
But,
surprise, surprise, the minority Liberals immediately said “screw you.”
After the vote, Jack “I’m Outraged” Layton actually said he hoped it would spur
a change of heart from Martin. I guess Mr. Layton hasn’t been listening to Mr.
Martini’s repeated rejections to make an election call in the first week of
January.
Layton said
he felt compelled to introduce the motion because it made him “feel like a big
shot” and because he “didn’t have anything better to do today.”
"I thought about smoking a cigarette instead, and then I remembered that I don’t
smoke,” he said.
Liberal House leader Tony Valeri responded by saying that he thought Layton
would look cool if he picked up the habit.
"Jack would look very cool if he smoked. It would make all his political
posturing seem more hip and urbane and would add a level of believability to
him,” Valeri said.
Conservative Leader Stephen Harper said the Liberals' thoughts on how cool Mr.
Layton would look with a cigarette in his mouth meant he would proceed with a
plan to introduce a binding no-confidence motion on Thursday. He also said he
was considering taking up smoking.
“I think I’d
look cool if I smoked,” he opined.
Valeri responded by saying that there is nothing Harper can do to ever look
cool.
”He should stick with his uptight fuddy duddy image. That works for him. He does
photo ops at old folks homes and comes across as the oldest and most uptight
person there. That’s an art. He should cultivate it, and, if possible, find an
even bigger stick to insert up his ass,” he noted.
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You will asking yourself a lot of deep and meaningful questions today: Questions
such as, “what does a rooster call its cock?” And “If a nipple points out in the
cold weather, why doesn’t it point in during hot weather?”
Taurus: Your
mother-in-law will finally tire of you asking her, “Hey, old lady, did you just
fart?”
Gemini: Your plans to be society’s doormat are working out well for those
who know you.
Cancer: You may be a creature of habit and you may dislike it intensely
when something unexpected comes along to disturb your cozy little nest, but you
are also quite an asshole.
Leo: You will continue to view bromides as
binary
compounds of bromine with another element, such as silver.
Virgo:
You will continue to view bromides as commonplace remarks or platitudes.
Libra: You will continue to view bromides as tiresome bores.
Scorpio: The time has come to make a splash, take that diuretic.
Sagittarius: The sun’s transit of the midheaven angle of your chart makes
this one of the most important times of the year for you. And you’ve decided to
hibernate. Well played!
Capricorn: See above.
Aquarius: Your dreams of becoming a shopping mall Santa will soon be
answered.
Pisces: Your dream of forming an “all sheep hockey league” is still a really
baaa-d one.
George Bush’s No Exit Strategy
Brilliant
tactician, George Bush, provides a physical demonstration of his “No
Exit Strategy."
OJ Simpson Has Advice for Blake and Other Killers Who “Get Away With it”
Successful killer, O.J. Simpson questioned the system that allowed both him and
actor Robert Blake to be found liable for murder after being acquitted in
criminal court, calling it "freakier than Michael Jackson."
"I still
don't get how anyone can be found not guilty of a murder and then be found
responsible for it in any way shape or form," Simpson said in a phone interview
from his Florida home. "... Of course, what I do get is how the rich can get
away with murder and the poor can’t. And that's something that's good to know."
Simpson said he figured that while Blake was definitely guilty in the murder of
his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, he would have no problems hanging out with the guy.
”I’m cool with it,” he said, adding that he'd hang out with Jack The Ripper, "if
he was buying the drinks."
Simpson was somehow acquitted (see above notes on the rich and poor) of
the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald
Goldman, was later sued in civil court where a jury found him liable for their
deaths and awarded damages of $33.5 million. In Blake's case, the jury awarded
$30 million, a figure Simpson said was suspiciously similar. For the record, O.J.
hasn’t paid dime one.
"And I’m not going
to,” he laughed.
Asked if he had any advice for Blake, he said, "Make money off of this. Get a
book deal. Oh, and as tempting as it is, he probably shouldn’t kill any more
people. If he gets caught again, he’ll likely do time.”
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
bridal foot fetish
elmo hates gay
sex scenes of the ants
interview with golf caddy
avery england
russian groin kicks
séance recipes
synchronicity and soup
election insanity
pious avery
Only 32
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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