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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 25
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
No
Confidence!
Stephen
Harpo tabled his motion of no-confidence, toppled Paul Martin's minority Liberal
government and triggered an election call for next week. But because the NDP
didn’t want him to get all pissy over all the Liberal tax bribes (the Naïve
Dreamers Party likes them!), Harpo ended up simply delivering the straight goods
and said
the Liberals had lost their moral authority to lead the country due to the
sponsorship scandal.
Some of the buzz words and phrases that he edited out of his speech included:
“corruption” “scandal” “gross abuse of public funds for political purposes”
“Bono” “spanking the monkey” “I’d like to smack that corrupt Liberal bastard”
“corruption – oh the corruption” “my dad is bigger than his dad” “I’ve got
better hair” “oh yeah, him and what army?” “can we break for a second, I have to
pee” and a rather lame knock knock joke.
However, the truly, wonderfully, viciously, oh so nasty,
smarmy, and delightfully petty character assassination spilled into the corridors outside the
House of Commons, when MPs began sniping at the political opponents in language
that, while almost unprecedented in Canadian politics, is certainly very common
in high school corridors.
Yes gentle readers, the ensuing morality play should prove to be a mighty
profane one.
To start things off, big mouth MP John Reynolds, the Conservatives' campaign
co-director and all round blow hard, called Immigration Minister Joe Volpe a
"sleazebag" -- after Volpe accused Conservatives of being anti-immigrant for
voting down one of his bills.
"Mr. Volpe is a sleazebag,” said Reynolds, "and a scumbag, and a
douche bag, gas bag, and fart bag, and any other kind of bag that isn’t a good
kind of bag. Oh, and his mom’s an old bag!”
Volpe, who is in fact, more of a weasel than a sleazebag, has come under fire for $56,000 in office expenses that
included some very expensive pizza dinners, accused Reynolds of
running up his own expenses and of being the biggest asshole on the hill.
"He spent $138,000 last year traveling," Volpe said. "What did he
do? Drink champagne, down a little bit of caviar, snort coke, buy some Viagra and
then bang hookers?"
Fun stuff!
How ugly
do things look to get? Uglier than Jack Layton’s moustache.
Oh just kiss and make up! If only
they
realized how much alike they are. Why
they'd probably both shoot themselves!
And wouldn't that be a wonderful thing?
Bart Cop
If you haven’t ever checked out
bartcop then I suggest you do yourself a big favour and visit this most
excellent site. Their marvelously wry and delightful slogan: “News
and comment not approved by Karl Rove”
A Truly Superb Xmas Light Show
I saw this over at
Doug’s Dynamic Drivel It really has to be seen and heard to be believed...
light
show
Boys
Beware
1950’s propaganda film warning boys about the dangers of homosexuals...
beware of homosexuals
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for the
lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and all
monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m fabulous, newly married, shiny, blessed with wonderful teeth and the
most loving and supportive in-laws. However, I hate dogs and my in-laws have one
which they treat like a baby. They dress it up in clothes, and more
disturbingly, when they’ve finished eating, pass their plates and bowls to the
dog for it to lick clean. It’s disgusting, right?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmggh. Dogs no like Frankenstein and Frankenstein no like dogs. But
Frankenstein does think dog taste good. Frankenstein very Asian in his thinking
this way... Ha, ha, ha... Frankenstein joke, Frankenstein joke. But Frankenstein
will tell you that dog’s saliva has less bacteria than human’s. So Frankenstein
suggest you start kissing dog on mouth until you comfortable with eating off the
same plate as dog. It not pretty solution, but Frankenstein not pretty monster!
Mrraggghhhhhhhh!
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You have nothing to fear from the changes taking place... well, except for the
fact that they will dramatically affect your life... and in a very negative way.
Other than that, you have nothing to fear... except your own mortality.
Taurus:
You are the kind of Taurus who trusts their heart. And yet you still stuff
yourself with greasy, high fat, high sugary foods and loads of cholesterol. You
may trust your heart, but it’s getting plenty PO’d at you.
Gemini: You may think you have good reason to doubt the loyalty of your
goldfish, but try and remember this: It’s a goddamned goldfish. However be
warned, keep an eye on your parrot. Now its got a grudge against you...
Cancer: You will continue to view Beethoven as a dead composer.
Leo: Mercury, planet of your mind, moved out ages ago.
Virgo: You may be convinced that a certain action is correct, but let’s
not forget that you also bought into George Bush’s lies. Remember, ignore your
instincts and Republicans.
Libra: Don’t take what others say too seriously. But do take it
personally.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: The sun close to Mercury in your sign means squat.
Capricorn: Try something different today – like pouring goldfish down
your pants. We hear that’s lots of fun.
Aquarius: Find a new hero. We suggest Zeus.
Pisces: If someone is in a position of authority, try and usurp them. It’s
fun and you’re good at it, you crazy usurper, you!
Hockey Dads
INT. ARENA -- EVENING
Ted and Ernie seated beside each other watching hockey game.
TED: Kill him! Smash his head in!
ERNIE: Pulverize him! Rip his throat out!
TED: Great game huh?
ERNIE: Great game!
TED: So...how old is your boy anyway?
ERNIE: He'll be six in a month. Pretty big for his age, isn't he? He's seventh
in league scoring. No. 66, that's him...
TED: Really? Well my son's always had a knack for defence, just like his dad. I
mean you can score all the goals you want, but what you really need is a good
solid defence.
ERNIE: That's very true...and if you've got a knack for it, that's great. Leave
the goal scoring and playmaking to the better players.
TED: My boy's only just turned five, but I managed to get him bumped up in the
league. The coach saw a little something extra in him. But you know, we're just
grooming him for peewee, then midget, and then, well if his knees hold out, who
knows?
ERNIE: Same with my boy, of course he's an all round type. Plays soccer and
Aussie rules football as well...GO!
TED: Get him!
ERNIE: Go! Go!
TED: Get him! Get him!
ERNIE: Ohhh...Of course he still falls occasionally. GET UP JASON! But I got him
working on ankle exercises. Anyway, I'm Ernie Adams. I'm in regional sales.
They shake hands.
TED: I'm Ted Forest.
ERNIE: Nice too meet you. Nothing like a little friendly competition is there?
TED: Not at all.
ERNIE: Which one is your boy?
TED: No. 5.
ERNIE: The one lying on the ice?
TED: Playing possum, I teach the boy strategy too, keep his mind working. I
mean, you just can't turn them into little barbarians. GET UP DAVID! BE A MAN!!
ERNIE: That's true. You have to prepare them for things in life that are going
to force them to think. If hockey doesn't work out for my boy he's expressed an
interest in regional sales.
TED: Really? I would have thought he was a little young to be thinking along
those lines.
ERNIE: I keep him abreast of my situation at work, my other boys as well...I
have three. I imagine we'll start our own firm one day. Me in charge, but the
boys working together.
TED: My son is really just in this for the lessons it can teach him about life.
He wants to learn how to be part of a team, that type of thing. I've always
thought of him as more of as more the serious business type -- JESUS CHRIST
DAVID, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
ERNIE: Is he alright? He skated right into the net! Oh look, he's crying.
TED: No. Uh, yeah, he definitely strikes me as the serious business type. He's
already got a paper route, and of course he mows our lawn.
ERNIE: Same with my boys. No time for idle lollygagging, they're serious lads.
Kill him Jason, smash his head in!
TED: Pulverize him David, rip his throat out.
They both look at each other uncomfortably then laugh.
TED: Ahh, but it's great to see them having such fun.
ERNIE: I think your boy's crying again.
TED: Get up David, that 'a boy. HIT HIM!
ERNIE: Ow. Nice 'hit,' he slashed my kid right across the ankles.
TED: Yeah, it's amazing how quickly they learn, isn't it?
ERNIE: It's true, they grow up so quickly. It seems like one minute you're
peeling them out of diapers and the next you're bailing them out of jail...Not
that I've ever had any problems with my boys, I teach them respect,
responsibility...KILL HIM JASON! RETALIATE! RETALIATE!
TED: I don't think he understands you. But don't worry, he's young. Hey, they
both are. They've got plenty of time.
ERNIE: Yeah but before you know it they'll be in high school, making all kinds
of new friends, getting ready for University.
TED: Hating their fathers for doing this to them but...
BOTH: Thanking us later...
ERNIE: Well we might as well as enjoy this while we can, before you know it,
these will be nothing but memories.
TED: Yeah. The next thing we know they'll be dating...SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!
ERNIE: I think his stick's too short...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
bridal foot fetish
elmo hates gay
sex scenes of the ants
interview with golf caddy
avery england
russian groin kicks
séance recipes
synchronicity and soup
election insanity
pious avery
Only 30
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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