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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
November 27
Congratulations Merry Old England On Your New Drinking Laws...
And might I add, that it's about bloody time! More on this boozy development
in a December rant...
(Thanks to Spud for the image)
The Farmer's Daughter
INT. FARM -- DAY
A farmer sits by table drinking coffee.
FARMER: I'm a farmer...a good one. It hasn't been easy for me but I've survived.
I do my best to support my family...at least I did until they started to
meddle...it's hard to get a moment's rest when your being hounded like a dog.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
Farmer's daughter hanging laundry.
DAUGHTER: My father is a good, kind man. He shouldn't lose his farm because of
interference from them...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
A Salesman standing at door.
SALESMAN: Hi...I'm a traveling salesman and my car just broke down.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I can't get any work done with them always showing up. It's uncanny the
way their cars breakdown around here. I must be on a major trade route or
something. But as much as they're a nuisance I feel it's my obligation to help
out.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: It's getting late out and I was wondering...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I let them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: He let's them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Oh that's great! I'll sleep in the barn.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I guess it all started about 10 years ago. I was 17 and a traveling
salesman showed up needing a place to spend the night. He was a Fuller Brush
man: wide tie, narrow features and a gift for the gab. Bernie, Bernie Slopak,
and I guess the romance of the explorer took me over. We talked and laughed and
went for a walk. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey in his samples case and he let
me drink it all to myself...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I swear I must have seen more then 7 thousand of them in the last 10
years.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Say, is that your daughter?
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I spent the night with him in the barn...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Now I'm a religious man but even charity has it's limits. After a while
I started charging them 20 dollars a night and for some reason they were more
then happy to pay...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: It was a beautiful experience. I made him promise he wouldn't tell
another soul about the whirlwind of passion that had transpired between us. But
pretty soon after that we had as many as three or four salesmen a day showing up
with their Fuller Brushes and cheap bottles of booze. I never minded much, in
fact I kind of liked the attention but I never slept with any of the others. But
I guess after a while it didn't matter, the whole situation had taken on mythic
proportions...that's when I started hearing the jokes...
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Salesman talking to others.
SALESMAN: And then I picked up this corn cob...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: They spend the night. Occasionally one makes a pass but it's never a
big deal. They sleep in the barn and in the morning they're back on their way
with a new chapter in the farmer's daughter legacy.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Their cars are always fine in the morning...dangest thing.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I never heard from Bernie again but I think of him a lot. I usually
imagine him blabbing to anyone who would listen and I think...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: If there were as many farmers as there are traveling salesmen the world
would be a better place.
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
SALESMAN: This woman should wear asbestos panties...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: What a little prick.
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Smear
Campaigns
Yes, by all indications this is going to be one nasty campaign filled with mud slinging, bitch
slapping, juicy shenanigan spewing, dirty trick politics.
Wasting no time whatsoever, Paul Martini’s Liberals are already rubbing their
sweaty hands together in glee over some of the negative election campaigns that
will unfold over three phases of this political dust up. The particularly
effective and fear mongering ones will be run in phase three, when they expect
most Canadians to be listening.
I can't wait!
”We had some really great turkey Xmas campaign content that would have taken the
stuffing out of Harper, ha, hey wait, I gotta write that down...” said a
skulking Liberal strategist, while hanging about in the shadows and eating what
appeared to be a hundred dollar bill, “but in the spirit of the fucking
holidays, we decided to pass. However we do have a festively sinister campaign,
Paul is depicted as Santa and Stephen is a homophobic, racist, Scrooge or
Grinch-like creature. And while we will spend a little money on radio,
television and print ads before Christmas and New Year's, we’ll bring out the
big guns after. Bweehahahah!”
Voters will then be
bombarded with Liberal election advertising beginning the two weeks after New
Year's that will continue to the end of the campaign, either on Jan. 16 or Jan.
23.
Liberal
strategists have already come up with some “deliciously vile” negative campaign
concepts that include:
Painting Mr. Harper as a scary, right-wing politician (a real stretch!)
Depicting Mr. Harper as an ogre feasting on the bones of homeless children
Photo-shopping Mr. Harper’s image to make him look like a lapdog getting a tummy
rub from George Bush
Oh just kiss and make up! If only
they
realized how much alike they are. Why
they'd probably both shoot themselves!
And wouldn't that be a wonderful thing?
Link-O-Ramas
When driving, watch
out for amorous moose November
Love Makes Wild Animals Blind
Speaking of moose...
Lets Moose Around!
And, of course, let us not forget:
Desperate Moose Wives
Fun! Fun! Fun!
Movie Bunny
The latest video from Bush Flash is graphic stuff: it’s also important, powerful,
and must be seen: Prevail
In case you haven’t, why not get slightly morbid with
The Tombstone Generator
bartcop do yourself a big favour and visit.
I saw this
light show over at
Doug’s Dynamic Drivel Thanks Doug!
1950’s propaganda film warning boys to
beware of homosexuals
Conrad Black, You
Can’t Come Back!
So, my dear old pal, Conrad Black now wants his Canadian citizenship back, does
he? That little piece of paper that he once called an “impediment to my
progress in another more amenable jurisdiction."
Sorry snookums, but you can’t renounce it to become Lord Loudmouth of the
Schnook when it suits your needs and then come crawling back and beg the feds
for it because as a Canadian citizen you could request a transfer to a
cozy and polite Canadian jail if you were convicted in the United States.
And anyway, it’s not like you’re guilty, right?
Your Horoscope
Aries:
Hey slow down, where’s the fire? What? In your basement? Then what the hell are
you doing reading this?
Taurus:
If a loved one comes to you asking for a loan, stop loving them and say “no.”
Gemini: You're famous for your fondness for creature comforts like
chocolates, pillows, fine wine, imported opium, rare bathroom pharmaceuticals,
stuffed giraffe’s necks, warty hog liver, harem girls, asphyxiation sexual
techniques, and... Wait, where am I going with this?
Cancer: Now that it's all over and peace has been restored it’s
time to look for a new fight. Hey, you’re a Cancer, it’s what you do.
Leo: You will continue to view demons as evil supernatural beings.
Virgo: You will continue to view daimons as inferior deities.
Libra: See below.
Scorpio: A monkey wrench will get thrown into your plans -- and
result in something involving a monkey and a wrench... What did you expect?
Sagittarius: You will continue to be great. Or to grate. Either’s
applicable.
Capricorn: Your horoscope isn’t nearly as good as Leo’s, and let’s face
it, Leo’s was pretty lame.
Aquarius: Hot soup is not your friend.
Pisces: It’s not often you insist on expressing your opinions... Ha! Yeah,
right!
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canadian election insanity
avery the puissant
alcohol flavored lollypops
cardinals dress
complacency breeds contentment
beware hot dog salesman
joke charities
tad huntington
words that rhyme with fruity
vile balloons
Only 28
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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