"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 2
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Attack of the Foot Fetish
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’ve always had an attraction to feet. I don’t know why. I’ve tried to “cure”
myself by not looking, but it doesn’t go away. Does this mean I’m some kind of
weirdo? Is there treatment to save my doomed soul?
My wife thinks it’s fine (she’s a size 12), in fact since she found out, she now
paints her toes. They look like little Popsicles!
Do you think I’m insane?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mrraghhhhh! Get away from me weirdo!! Ha, ha. Frankenstein kidding. Sure, feet
full of potentially disgusting stuff like toe jam, athlete’s foot, psoriasis,
eczema and jungle rot, but if you and bigfoot wife okay with it, me see no harm.
Your foot fetish seem mild and within acceptable social parameters. Unlike
Frankenstein’s freakish head and bolt in neck, which go way beyond what is
considered “normal.” Still, if you find yourself ejaculating into stranger’s
shoes or wanting to date strapless pumps then you a bigger freak than
Frankenstein and need to worry. Until then, do what feel good. Mrragggggggh!
Babies...
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Judy and George in
bed. The sound of a baby crying
wakes them.
GEORGE: I don't believe
this...what time is it?
JUDY: Three a.m.
GEORGE: Good God it's
like clockwork. Who's turn is it?
JUDY: Yours...I was up
an hour ago.
GEORGE: Well so was
I...
JUDY: (pleading) Just
make it stop George, please!
Judy turns over and
pulls pillow over her head.
GEORGE:
Alright...alright...
George sits up in
bed.
GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR
CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!
The crying stops.
George lies back down. After
a moment, the crying starts again.
GEORGE (CONT'D):
Judy...Judy...I did everything I can. You're
up.
Judy hits George
with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window.
JUDY: Good God George!!
There are five of them.
GEORGE: Five?
Where?
George gets out of
bed and walks to window.
JUDY: Out by the
composter. See, right there.
George removes
slipper and throws it.
GEORGE: God damned
babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.
Look at the filthy little things.
If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same
way my father did.
JUDY: George, don't be
awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...
GEORGE: You know why
they're here don't you? It's that
god damned Wilson baby. See the
way he's peeing all over my trash cans. That
brings them in hordes. Well I'll
tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.
JUDY: (pause) Maybe
they just like it here.
GEORGE: My God Judy,
you haven't been breast feeding them have you?
JUDY: Well...
GEORGE: Great, now
we'll never get rid of them.
JUDY: I couldn't help
it George. It was raining out and
the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute
and scraggly. George why can't we
have one of our own?
GEORGE: Judy, how many
times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.
JUDY: But the doctor
said there are drugs...pills you can take.
GEORGE: Not now Judy!!
(looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and
leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.
Get off my car! I'll
never get any sleep.
JUDY: Maybe if we sung
to them...lull them to sleep.
GEORGE: I think their
diapers are leaking...
JUDY: George...a
lullaby.
GEORGE: Alright...
BOTH: (singing)
“You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”
JUDY: It's working.
Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.
GEORGE: I guess it is
kinda cute...
JUDY: Those bald heads
are so adorable.
They gaze out the
window for a moment and then turn toward each other.
GEORGE: I love you
honey.
JUDY: I love you too.
But I've got to get some sleep. So
go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front
door.
GEORGE: Gotcha!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent and endless happiness.
But you’ll settle for, “today you won’t spill coffee on your shoes.”
Taurus:
No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent and endless
happiness. Sorry, don’t have that one for you. Today’s has to do with clowns
and how they still haunt you. You figure it out.
Gemini: No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent
and endless happiness. But, really, what have you done for me?
Cancer: No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent
and endless happiness. Would you accept imminent and endless ennui? Because
that’s what we’re predicting!
Leo: No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent and
endless happiness. Okay, sure, what the hell. If you’re gullible enough to
believe these things...
Virgo: See above.
Libra: No doubt you would like a prediction promising imminent
and endless happiness. But, much like Charlie Brown, all you’ll get is a rock.
Scorpio: No doubt you would like a
prediction promising imminent and endless happiness. You too, huh?
Sagittarius: No doubt you would like a prediction promising
imminent and endless happiness. Would you settle for a pat on the back? You
may as well not, because you won’t even be getting that.
Capricorn: No doubt you would like a prediction promising
imminent and endless happiness. Okay, how’s this: The imminent and endless
happiness you seek shall never arrive. Remember; be careful what you wish for.
Aquarius: No doubt you would like a prediction promising
imminent and endless happiness. But you’re a realist and will settle for a
chocolate bar.
Pisces: No doubt you would like a
prediction promising imminent and endless happiness. But you’ll settle for an
hour with a top-notch hooker.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Darn
but that Tommy Cruiser is wacky. He still seems hell-bent and determined to
wed Katie Holmes, even though we all know... You know...
The
demented little fella is also writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes
his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling
it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Last night Katie stopped taking her Ritalin and got really bitchy. She said I
was cold and unfeeling. She said I was controlling and weird. She said she was
thinking of canceling the wedding. I have to admit to feelings of conflict here.
On the one hand, I mean, well, great! I wanted to break out the champagne
bottles. But upon reflection, I also wanted to “Christian” her with one. I don’t
want to have to go trolling for another female piece of arm candy. It’s tiring
and interferes with my shopping for leather. I indulged her in an hour of baby
talk and even managed to kiss her on the cheek. She seemed appeased and then
proceeded to dive on me and jam her wretched tongue down my throat while pulling
at my penis like she were yanking a cork out of a wine bottle. It was most
unpleasant. After managing to pull her off and get her medicated, she calmed
down. Still, this is worrying...
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i'm
full of christian love
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nicole richie is shrinking
lions humping
picture of a fat keith tkachuk
hairy balls in kilt
iron maiden dickinson groupie
Only 84
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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