"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

October 6

Bush Says Military Will Be Used to Wipe Out “Evil” Avian Flu

An “evil” avian flu pandemic could be “a threat” so serious that troops (what troops? From where?) might be needed to cordon off sections of the United States and engage it in “washed-hand-to-washed-hand combat,” President George Shrub said yesterday.

”I am concerned about what an avian-flu outbreak could do to my already dwindling popularity,” the President confessed.

Mr. Shrub said that given his terrible gaffs with the war and Hurricane Katrina, he was "really hoping to get this one right.”

“This pandemic is evil. It threatens our very nation. There are sleeper cells in people’s immune systems, just waiting to attack our glorious citizens. I have upgraded our panic alert to “severe.” My mother, also wants you to know that many of you who get this flu will likely be the already sick, so, for you folks, this new disease should make a nice change to your regular sickly ailments.”   

Bush Picks A Zombie?

President Thinks “Insider Sycophant and possible Dark Ages, Witch Burner, Living Dead She-Zombie” is right image for Supreme Court

President Bush on Monday nominated White House counsel Harriet Miers to replace retiring Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court, reaching into his loyal inner circle of Conservative ghouls. Democrats and Republicans are confused by choice. Is Harriet a Bush sycophant (well, yes) who will do his bidding? Do we want followers on the Supreme Court (It’s probably too late to worry about that)? Is Harriet a modern, independent woman? Or, is there any truth to the rumours that she is in fact a flesh eating zombie that will reshape the nation’s judiciary for years to come and send it back to the dark ages.

And while none of us will forget that Miers was responsible for looking into Bush’s Vietnam-era draft record to prepare for damage control, one wonders whether she’ll hold George’s own lack of duty against him later on.

One thing is for certain, the zombie rumours aren’t going away.

“She has devoted her life to eating corpses,” President Bush was overheard saying from the Oval Office, a statement he later vehemently denied with the flesh eating Miers at his side.

“I said she has dedicated her life to reading Forbes. Anyway, my point is she will be an outstanding addition to the Republican zombies that make up the Supreme Court of the United States. Oops, did I say zombies?”

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: Mars governs your finances and security, which might explain the current mess you’re in.
Taurus: You rely heavily on intuition, but as the psychologist Carl Jung once observed, “I’ve got a gut feeling that Ziggy Freud is absolutely fucking crazy.”
Gemini: There was a time you would have gone along with the others, but all that has changed. You’re increasing unwilling to comply with anything that doesn’t suit you and would rather sit at home and complain about today’s teenagers. Well, it finally happened, you’re an old coot.
Cancer: Others may frown at your behaviour, but remember, not everyone is a fan of public urination.
Leo: Even if you are the kind of Leo who dislikes noisy crowds and foreigners and today’s music and fashion and... Sorry, where was I going with this?
Virgo: For victory to have meaning one must gloat.
Libra: A wandering minstrel and your love of slapping wandering minstrels about the head come together in a satisfying way.
Scorpio: You will continue to view groats as English silver coins worth four pence, used from the 14th to the 17th century.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Jupiter, your ruler, really enjoys pushing you around in front of the other Gods. How much longer are you gonna put up with it?
Aquarius: Prepare to be swept off your feet by an angry (and surprisingly strong) old lady with a broom.
Pisces: You continue to dislike the French but love French Toast.

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
           Today: Guarded      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner

As you may also know, Tom is writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes his thoughts on his wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling it.

Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?

My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:

I feel pretty today. I feel sexy and smart. I feel like the time has come to think up some kind of “accident” for Katie to have to get me out of this infernal wedding. If I was a cartoon, I’d just shove a piece of TNT in her mouth. Of course, she would have to be a cartoon as well. And if that were the case, she wouldn’t die. She’d just wind up with a black face and her hair all blown back in some funny cartoonish manner. Clearly this is going to take some more thought...  

     
    This Week’s Featured Album:
   Heavy Load: Stronger Than Evil

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Rockin’ With The Devil
2. Talkin’ With The Devil
3. Walkin’ With The Devil
4. Squawkin’ With The Devil
5. The Devil’s Coming! (Look Busy)
6. Satan is The Devil (The 666 Song)
7. The Devil is Satan (The, “We’re Running Out Of Ideas” Song)

Side Two

1. Folklore Rockers In Goblin Hades
2. More Songs About Satan and Hell
3. I Love You (Ballad To Satan and/or A Chick With Big Tits)
4. Do The Beelzebub
5. Rock N’ Roll Mephistopheles Gets The Groupies
6. Evil Spelt backwards, God spelt backwards, Bob spelt backwards...?
7. Plant The Demon Seed... And Maybe Some Petunias and Daisies    


Rock on! Satan! I’m talking about the archfiend, the beast, brute, devil, evil spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, malignant spirit, monster, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and any other names that you can call Satan... I found these ones in a Thesaurus... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This album rocks harder than Satan and Lucifer at a Kiss and Ozzy concert! Rock N’ Roll, man! Yahoo!! Satan lives! Cool!! Well, hot... in Hell... And this album is hotter than it... Hell, that is... So... um, keep rocking. Rocking... Hard, yeah, hard to this most excellent album. Um... Satan... Yeah, Satan wants you to know that this album is... totally... Satanic. Yeah... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Rock on... Um, Satan Rules... 666... Keep rocking... We’re coming to your town, man. This isn’t the last you’ll be hearing of Heavy Load...! At least, I hope not... Our singer’s talking about quitting and we jam in his parent’s basement... We need him. He buys the pot and writes the lyrics. It would be pretty heavy if he quit. Hah! “Heavy!” Get it? Like in Heavy Load. Our band, man!!!
Rock n’ roll...!

Glenn (Rhythm Guitar) 1983

Cover art: A Repressed Homosexual  © 1983 Rock Pig Records
 

Babies...

INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Judy and George in bed.  The sound of a baby crying wakes them.

GEORGE: I don't believe this...what time is it?

JUDY: Three a.m.

GEORGE: Good God it's like clockwork.  Who's turn is it?

JUDY: Yours...I was up an hour ago.

GEORGE: Well so was I...

JUDY: (pleading) Just make it stop George, please!

Judy turns over and pulls pillow over her head.

GEORGE: Alright...alright...

George sits up in bed.

GEORGE (CONT'D): FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SHUT UP!!

The crying stops.  George lies back down.  After a moment, the crying starts again.

GEORGE (CONT'D): Judy...Judy...I did everything I can.  You're up.

Judy hits George with her pillow, gets up and walks to bedroom window. 

JUDY: Good God George!!  There are five of them.

GEORGE: Five?  Where?

George gets out of bed and walks to window.

JUDY: Out by the composter.  See, right there.

George removes slipper and throws it.

GEORGE: God damned babies...people should be forced to keep them in at night.  Look at the filthy little things.  If I had any nerve I'd put them in a sack and deal with them the same way my father did.

JUDY: George, don't be awful. Shoo...shoo now...go home...

GEORGE: You know why they're here don't you?  It's that god damned Wilson baby.  See the way he's peeing all over my trash cans.  That brings them in hordes.  Well I'll tell you one thing, Wilson is getting a call from me in the morning.

JUDY: (pause) Maybe they just like it here.

GEORGE: My God Judy, you haven't been breast feeding them have you?

JUDY: Well...

GEORGE: Great, now we'll never get rid of them.

JUDY: I couldn't help it George.  It was raining out and the skinny one with the birthmark came scratching at the door...He was so cute and scraggly.  George why can't we have one of our own?

GEORGE: Judy, how many times do I have to tell you... I'm allergic.

JUDY: But the doctor said there are drugs...pills you can take.

GEORGE: Not now Judy!!  (looks out window) Oh great now their crawling all over my car and leaving greasy little footprints all over my hood and windows.  Get off my car!  I'll  never get any sleep.

JUDY: Maybe if we sung to them...lull them to sleep.

GEORGE: I think their diapers are leaking...

JUDY: George...a lullaby.

GEORGE: Alright...

BOTH: (singing) “You’re once, twice, three times a baby...”

JUDY: It's working.  Look, the one in the birch tree just nodded off.

GEORGE: I guess it is kinda cute...

JUDY: Those bald heads are so adorable.

They gaze out the window for a moment and then turn toward each other.

GEORGE: I love you honey.

JUDY: I love you too.  But I've got to get some sleep.  So go out there, put them in a box and we'll drop them all at Wilson's front door.

GEORGE: Gotcha!

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