"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 10
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Mike
Terry: Live At The Pavilion
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Yes...
Vol. 2!
2. Let’s Burn The Glasgow Pavilion, Lads!
3. Put Tha’ Fookin’ Boot In (To Me, They Do)
4. Scottish Medley: Drink Pints/Go Ta Football/Drink More Later/Chips and
Curry/Fight In The Pub/Hangover/Do It All Again Next Bloody Saturday
Side Two
1. That Ain’t No Bleeding Kilt I’m A Wearing
2. Look At Me – I’m A Git!
3. You Take The High Road – Me, I’m Scottish, I’ll Get Drunk And Puke
4. The Bonny Bonny Ghetto of Glasgow
5. Put More Grease On Ma Slap Up Feed
6. Scotland – Land Of The Lout
Bloody Hell, will ya get yer wee mug around this? Right, who’s like us – damn
few and their deed. They call me Mike Terry and I’m no sure if I’m a Scottish
lass or lad. Ye be the fookin’ judge. Look a at me. I’m a bloody dreedful fright
alright. With ma knobbly knees and ma sequin frock and Harpo Marx hair and pasty
face – not ta mention ma Karl Marx leenings... And, of course, ma other leenings
as well. Those right ones that ain’t so bloody “right.” Right? This bloody album
wis recorded live at the fookin Pavilion. Ya can actually hear the crowd
screaming for ma blood and attacking the stage and really putting tha’ boot in
to me. Damn, but do they hate me. They’ll bloody pay and line up ta give me a
right good thumping. Ya got to love the Scots. ‘But even if ya don’t they wanna
give two shites.
Mike Terry 1968
Cover Photo: Doonald Trooser ©
1968 No Canna Git Yer Dialect Records
GREEN PEACE
INT. HOUSE –- DAY
JERRY is yelling into
his telephone.
Jerry: I dare you to say that again... You bastard! I dare you to say that once
more – in Arabic! Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual
pantywaist...
There is a knock at the door.
Jerry: Hang on... WHAT?
Enter NICK. A Green Peace representative.
Nick: Thank-you. I’m canvassing for Green Peace. I’m sure you’re familiar with
our work. These are pictures of slaughtered seals.
Jerry: (Looks them over) Cool. How much?
Nick: Pardon me?
Jerry: Do they come in wallet size?
Nick: No.
Jerry: Shame.
Nick: As I was saying...
Jerry: Hold that thought. I’m on the blower.
Nick: Certainly. I’ll get you some literature on whale fat. I believe I also
have a pamphlet on the top 10 misconceptions regarding vivisection.
Jerry: Yeah, you do that. (into phone) I’m back Bernardi. Oh yeah? Well screw
you and that ten-pound sack of whale fat that you call a head. (to Nick) Ha!
That pissed him off. (into phone) What? No one calls me that and gets away with
it. Come over here and say that Bernardi. Oh yeah, I’m scared, real scared...
(to Nick) Hey, tree hugger. What did you say your name was?
Nick: Nick.
Jerry: (into phone) Come over here and my buddy Nick will beat the crap out of
you... That’s right, my buddy, Nick. He’s here right now and he’s plenty PO’d!
Jerry grabs a pamphlet from Nick.
Jerry: He’s an animal Bernardi. You should see what he did to some kittens. It
would turn your stomach.
Nick: Actually, that’s a laboratory in Paraguay.
Jerry: Nick, tell Bernardi that you’re really here.
Nick: I’d rather not. I just came for a donation and to discuss the plight of
the hairy nosed wombat.
Jerry: Yeah, call him that... (into phone) He says you’re a fairy assed wombat,
Bernardi. He’s calling you a fruit.
Nick: No, I’m not!
Jerry: (hands Nick the phone) Tell him Nick, don’t worry. He’s full of hot air,
go on...
Nick reluctantly takes the phone.
Nick: Um, hello? Yes, yes, yes, I understand. (to Jerry) He says he’s going to
kill me.
Jerry: He’s full of it. He won’t kill you. He’s still on parole.
Nick: (puts his ear to phone) He seems quite emphatic... He definitely wants to
kill me.
Jerry: Jesus Christ, he must be serious! What did you say to him?
Nick: I didn’t say anything.
Jerry: What are you nuts? That’s the worst thing you could have said.
Nick: He says he’s on his way over. (he hands phone to Jerry) I should leave
now.
Jerry: Relax, he won’t be here for a minute or two.
Nick: Minute or two?
Jerry: He lives across the street. Look at that dump. Is that crap-shack an
eyesore, or what?
Nick: (into phone) I’m sorry! It’s a mistake!
Jerry: (scratches himself and looks bored) You better leave now, I wanna take a
shower.
Nick: You can’t send me out there. That man sounds dangerous.
Jerry: Hey, Nick, I don’t like you bad mouthing my friends. You better take a
hike before I smack you one myself.
Nick: I’m just a non-violent canvasser.
Jerry: And what? That makes you better than me? Jesus, what a mouth. No wonder
Bernardi wants to kill you. I shouldn’t help you, but, give me the phone...
Nick hands it to him.
Jerry: Gino, it’s Jerry. Look, there’s been some sort of... What? I don’t know.
He just barged in here and started shooting his mouth off about what a hairy
nosed eye sore your wife was and grabbed the phone. No way bud, if you want the
crap kicked out him, you do it yourself... Pretty small... You can take him...
No, you don’t need to bring your sons. Okay, I’ll keep him here. Sure, we can
watch the game afterward.
Nick: Mr. Bernardi! Mr. Bernardi!
Jerry: Yeah, he’s hopping mad. Fine, but do it outside, I just vacuumed. Okay,
and bring a six-pack.
Jerry hangs up and points out his window.
Jerry: Look, he’s bringing a baseball bat. What a wimp. Well, goodbye and good
luck.
Nick: Please, you can’t do this to me, I work for Green Peace.
Jerry: That explains a lot. Jesus you people are pushy.
Jerry shoves him out the front door.
Jerry: Now scram... Hey, Bernardi, keep it off my front lawn. Come on, Nick,
throw a punch. Oh that’s right Bernardi, kick him in the groin while he’s down.
You’re pathetic, Bernardi! What? I dare you to say that again – in Spanish!
Yeah, not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...
Jerry’s cell phone rings.
Jerry: (into phone) WHAT? You’re calling for Green Peace? Hmm, oh sure, I’m
interested... Oh yeah, I’m very familiar with your work
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
The solar eclipse brings change: You fear change and run and hide under your
bed.
Taurus: You
will find a breakthrough in your understanding of all that has transpired.
Either that or you will find a nickel in your couch. It could go either way.
Gemini: You are quite happy to be angry all the time.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: You will continue to view paradigms as a
set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of
viewing reality for the community that shares them, especially in an
intellectual discipline.
Virgo:
By all means, thoroughly investigate every negative factor in your life...
Well that’s you taken care of.
Libra: Your free spirit starts charging you a surtax.
Scorpio: Venus, god of sexy chick with no arms will make an appearance in
an AC/DC song today.
Sagittarius: Past experiences have taught you nothing and you like it
that way... you think. It’s hard to be sure.
Capricorn: The next time someone calls you a wanker, drop your pants
and wank for them. We suspect this will put a stop to it.
Aquarius: Great works of art continue to have n significance to you.
Pisces: Consider the hair of the dog.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Baby Planner
Well,
unless you’re living under a rock (don’t knock it till you try it, right?)
then you likely know that somehow there’s a Cruiser/Holmes Baby on the
horizon.
Apparently,
Tom and Katie are a couple of giddy alien-lovers and, I gather, the rest of the
world should be as excited as they are.
And so begins
the onslaught of 24/7 news of the pregnancy.
Starting
right here in Tommy Cruiser’s Baby Planner:
Oh God! A baby!!! How did this happen?? That deceitful bitch Katie! That
trollop. That whore. I wonder who the father is? She claims it was a Scientology
alien/immaculate conception, but come on, even I’m having a hard time buying
that one... Still, she’s proving not to be the ninny I took her for. When I
threatened to cast Jezebel Holmes from “Cruise-Land” she laughed and said, “Go ahead, T-Bone, but if you do that then
I’ll let everyone know about your little secret." Well! The nerve! Now of
course I can’t have that happen. The while world thinks I’m straight and I can’t
do anything to shatter its allusions (or should that be illusions? delusions?
I'll ask my Scientology buddies). Maybe, I’ll need to think of a cunning way to
get rid of Katie... Make it look like an accident... Hmm...
Possible ways to get rid of Katie (*Note: Remember,
it must look like an accident)
1. Run her over with my car, hire every high priced lawyer in Los
Angeles and let “justice” take its course.
2. Take her to the zoo and push her into gorilla cage. (Make sure to write her
suicide note in which she claims that the pressures of Hollywood are too much
for her and the only solution to her problems is “death by gorilla.”
3. Something involving an explosive chocolate cake.
4. Have a word with my Scientology buddies. (Maybe they can arrange some kind of
alien abduction and also help me clear up this whole "allusion, illusion,
delusion" and the subsequent confusion issue.)
5. Tell her I want to have sex with her and watch her die of shock.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
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