"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 14
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Americans Getting Smarter – Bush Approval Dips Again
Americans are
finally wising up. For the first time in the poll, Bush’s approval rating has
sunk below 40 percent, while the percentage believing the country is heading in
the right direction has dipped below 30 percent. In addition, a sizable
plurality prefers a Democratic-controlled Congress, and 29 percent think Supreme
Court nominee Harriet Miers might be some kind of zombie.
"Ha, ha!”
said Democratic pollster Peter D. Hart, who conducted this survey with
Republican pollster Bill McInturff.
The poll shows that Bush’s approval rating stands somewhere between “in the
crapper” and “in the dumpster.” In addition, a mere 28 percent believe the
country is headed in the right direction, “but they just said that because they
feel sorry for him,” said Mr. Hart.
Strikingly,
much has happened in the time between those two polls — many of them seemingly
positive events for the White House. The president delivered a prime-time speech
from New Orleans, in which he promised to rebuild the Gulf Coast. He also made
several more visits to the region, to examine the damage caused by Hurricanes
Katrina and Rita. Furthermore, he saw the Senate confirm John Roberts to the
Supreme Court, and he nominated Miers, his White House counsel, to replace
retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. But the big difference is
that people aren’t so easily fooled and anyway, who listens to a liar?
The Miers
nomination, has also disappointed some of the president’s conservative
supporters, because they say that while they like her whole zombie look, she
doesn’t act like a true Republican zombie. “Their worried she won’t eat Democrat
brains,” said one Republican.
Because of
this generally sour attitude, the NBC/Journal pollsters doubt that Bush will be
able to climb out of his standing anytime soon. "His trampoline is made of
cement," Hart said, “oh and so is his head. Ha, ha!”
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Why Can’t People Just Play Ball With
Me?
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m female,
attractive, gregarious, and like to use big words (like gregarious), I’m also
physically fit and I think I’m wonderful. So obviously I’m not the problem. But
here’s my dilemma. I meet many men when I’m doing outdoor sports. I’m not
interested in anything but friendship. I enjoy doing sports with men because I
don’t have any female friends. The problem is that although the men agree to
just be friends at the beginning, they always push for more later on (because,
as I mentioned, I’m intelligent, wonderful, gregarious and gorgeous). How can I
keep my sports friends from getting emotionally involved with me?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mrrrgrrroan!
They like you? That surprising. After reading your sickening letter,
Frankenstein seriously hate you. If you live in Frankenstein’s village he crush
your skull just for the fun of it. Frankenstein also suspect villagers who
normally jeer him would also approve. So, you no have ANY female friends, huh?
That because you self-centered she-devil who love all this attention from men
and is so insecure you can’t share with anyone else. And now you say you can’t
handle it? Mrraggghh! Do us all favour. Go jump in lake!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Working in groups isn't what you had in mind, but when you go to an orgy it’s
kind of expected. When in Rome...
Taurus:
See above.
Gemini: Whether you like your milk with a dash of coffee or your coffee
with a dash of milk, the stars... Is it my imagination or are these getting more
trite everyday?
Cancer: Your good ideas are essentially the ones that question your
original ideas – which are bad.
Leo: You will continue to view “the big cheese” as a colloquialism for
the boss.
Virgo: You will continue to view colloquialisms as words/phrases that are
characteristic
of or appropriate to the spoken language.
Libra:
You just read the definition of colloquialism and still have no idea what it
means.
Scorpio: Speaking of colloquialisms: What do you get when you combine
characteristic speech with a who dunnit novel? Colloquialism and Dagger.
Sagittarius: All this talk of colloquialism is getting under your skin.
Capricorn: Consider sleeping your way to the top.
Aquarius: Consider another horoscope.
Pisces: Self restraint is always useful, but it sucks, so don’t bother.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has somehow achieved the impossible and impregnated Ms. Katie Holmes.
Artificial Insemination? Immaculate Conception? Some other guy? You decide.
One thing is for certain, there will be much ink spilt over the subject.
Starting
right here in Tommy Cruiser’s Baby Planner
I went and saw a doctor about having me deliver the baby instead of Katie. He
said I’ve been watching too many science fiction movies... Clearly, the man is a
quack and a fraud. When the aliens come and make me their silver-headed God then
I’ll show him. Until then, I wept bitter tears and stormed out of his office. It
was quite an exit. I’m so talented and wonderful. I can’t understand why in the
world people hate me the way they do. Oh well, they're just insignificant bugs
that I spit on anyway! Off to Bruce’s. He’s dressing up as a triple layer
chocolate cake and I’m gonna eat him all up. Yum, yum!
GREEN PEACE
INT. HOUSE –- DAY
JERRY is yelling into
his telephone.
Jerry: I dare you to say that again... You bastard! I dare you to say that once
more – in Arabic! Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual
pantywaist...
There is a knock at the door.
Jerry: Hang on... WHAT?
Enter NICK. A Green Peace representative.
Nick: Thank-you. I’m canvassing for Green Peace. I’m sure you’re familiar with
our work. These are pictures of slaughtered seals.
Jerry: (Looks them over) Cool. How much?
Nick: Pardon me?
Jerry: Do they come in wallet size?
Nick: No.
Jerry: Shame.
Nick: As I was saying...
Jerry: Hold that thought. I’m on the blower.
Nick: Certainly. I’ll get you some literature on whale fat. I believe I also
have a pamphlet on the top 10 misconceptions regarding vivisection.
Jerry: Yeah, you do that. (into phone) I’m back Bernardi. Oh yeah? Well screw
you and that ten-pound sack of whale fat that you call a head. (to Nick) Ha!
That pissed him off. (into phone) What? No one calls me that and gets away with
it. Come over here and say that Bernardi. Oh yeah, I’m scared, real scared...
(to Nick) Hey, tree hugger. What did you say your name was?
Nick: Nick.
Jerry: (into phone) Come over here and my buddy Nick will beat the crap out of
you... That’s right, my buddy, Nick. He’s here right now and he’s plenty PO’d!
Jerry grabs a pamphlet from Nick.
Jerry: He’s an animal Bernardi. You should see what he did to some kittens. It
would turn your stomach.
Nick: Actually, that’s a laboratory in Paraguay.
Jerry: Nick, tell Bernardi that you’re really here.
Nick: I’d rather not. I just came for a donation and to discuss the plight of
the hairy nosed wombat.
Jerry: Yeah, call him that... (into phone) He says you’re a fairy assed wombat,
Bernardi. He’s calling you a fruit.
Nick: No, I’m not!
Jerry: (hands Nick the phone) Tell him Nick, don’t worry. He’s full of hot air,
go on...
Nick reluctantly takes the phone.
Nick: Um, hello? Yes, yes, yes, I understand. (to Jerry) He says he’s going to
kill me.
Jerry: He’s full of it. He won’t kill you. He’s still on parole.
Nick: (puts his ear to phone) He seems quite emphatic... He definitely wants to
kill me.
Jerry: Jesus Christ, he must be serious! What did you say to him?
Nick: I didn’t say anything.
Jerry: What are you nuts? That’s the worst thing you could have said.
Nick: He says he’s on his way over. (he hands phone to Jerry) I should leave
now.
Jerry: Relax, he won’t be here for a minute or two.
Nick: Minute or two?
Jerry: He lives across the street. Look at that dump. Is that crap-shack an
eyesore, or what?
Nick: (into phone) I’m sorry! It’s a mistake!
Jerry: (scratches himself and looks bored) You better leave now, I wanna take a
shower.
Nick: You can’t send me out there. That man sounds dangerous.
Jerry: Hey, Nick, I don’t like you bad mouthing my friends. You better take a
hike before I smack you one myself.
Nick: I’m just a non-violent canvasser.
Jerry: And what? That makes you better than me? Jesus, what a mouth. No wonder
Bernardi wants to kill you. I shouldn’t help you, but, give me the phone...
Nick hands it to him.
Jerry: Gino, it’s Jerry. Look, there’s been some sort of... What? I don’t know.
He just barged in here and started shooting his mouth off about what a hairy
nosed eye sore your wife was and grabbed the phone. No way bud, if you want the
crap kicked out him, you do it yourself... Pretty small... You can take him...
No, you don’t need to bring your sons. Okay, I’ll keep him here. Sure, we can
watch the game afterward.
Nick: Mr. Bernardi! Mr. Bernardi!
Jerry: Yeah, he’s hopping mad. Fine, but do it outside, I just vacuumed. Okay,
and bring a six-pack.
Jerry hangs up and points out his window.
Jerry: Look, he’s bringing a baseball bat. What a wimp. Well, goodbye and good
luck.
Nick: Please, you can’t do this to me, I work for Green Peace.
Jerry: That explains a lot. Jesus you people are pushy.
Jerry shoves him out the front door.
Jerry: Now scram... Hey, Bernardi, keep it off my front lawn. Come on, Nick,
throw a punch. Oh that’s right Bernardi, kick him in the groin while he’s down.
You’re pathetic, Bernardi! What? I dare you to say that again – in Spanish!
Yeah, not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...
Jerry’s cell phone rings.
Jerry: (into phone) WHAT? You’re calling for Green Peace? Hmm, oh sure, I’m
interested... Oh yeah, I’m very familiar with your work.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Mike
Terry: Live At The Pavilion
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Yes...
Vol. 2!
2. Let’s Burn The Glasgow Pavilion, Lads!
3. Put Tha’ Fookin’ Boot In (To Me, They Do)
4. Scottish Medley: Drink Pints/Go Ta Football/Drink More Later/Chips and
Curry/Fight In The Pub/Hangover/Do It All Again Next Bloody Saturday
Side Two
1. That Ain’t No Bleeding Kilt I’m A Wearing
2. Look At Me – I’m A Git!
3. You Take The High Road – Me, I’m Scottish, I’ll Get Drunk And Puke
4. The Bonny Bonny Ghetto of Glasgow
5. Put More Grease On Ma Slap Up Feed
6. Scotland – Land Of The Lout
Bloody Hell, will ya get yer wee mug around this? Right, who’s like us – damn
few and their deed. They call me Mike Terry and I’m no sure if I’m a Scottish
lass or lad. Ye be the fookin’ judge. Look a at me. I’m a bloody dreedful fright
alright. With ma knobbly knees and ma sequin frock and Harpo Marx hair and pasty
face – not ta mention ma Karl Marx leenings... And, of course, ma other leenings
as well. Those right ones that ain’t so bloody “right.” Right? This bloody album
wis recorded live at the fookin Pavilion. Ya can actually hear the crowd
screaming for ma blood and attacking the stage and really putting tha’ boot in
to me. Damn, but do they hate me. They’ll bloody pay and line up ta give me a
right good thumping. Ya got to love the Scots. ‘But even if ya don’t they wanna
give two shites.
Mike Terry 1968
Cover Photo: Doonald Trooser ©
1968 No Canna Git Yer Dialect Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
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(really!)
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