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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 27
Hey gang. As you all know computers are great... And then suddenly they suck. One find day they become loathsome, frustrating, horrible, mind-boggling pieces of crap that drive you insane. Which is my not so subtle way of saying that if you have noticed we haven’t been publishing recently, and that’s because, like I said, sometimes computers suck.
Hopefully everything should be up and back in order soon and we can get back to publishing you our unique brand of marginally funny comedy on daily routine.
Keep watching. This computer madness can’t go on forever... Or can it?
China Reaffirms One-Party Autocracy
China has decided to carry one with its “worst of both worlds” attitude. It will continue to embrace capitalism while still keeping its Communist dominance of the people in tact, making it the equivalent of a virgin who sleeps around – a lot! Oh, and then has all her lovers secretly arrested and tortured.
The Communist government released its first “white paper” on political democracy. While no one was actually allowed to see it because it is for special government eyes only, its central conclusion is that there’s nothing wrong with an iron fist and one party autocracy. The paper is said to have praised the decision to treat the Chinese people like slaves and that it will: “continue to adhere to the basic principles of Marxist theory. Except for the capitalism part. We like that bit because it makes a few of us really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, rich! This is our version of Chinese democracy. And if you don’t like it, we will see that you are executed.”
“Table for China. Party of one.”
Your Horoscope.
Aries : There is a task that needs finishing quickly. Get one of your lackeys to do it.
Taurus : Your need to widen your circle of friends becomes glaringly apparent when your kettle dies and you breakdown and mourn for it. Consider hanging out with other appliances.
Gemini: Solar and planetary activity in one of the more nebulous parts of your charts leads to all kinds of ambivalence.
Cancer: You will continue to view sprogs as frogs’ spawns.
Leo: You, on the other hand will continue to view sprogs as new military recruits.
Virgo: The old always gives way to the new no matter how tightly we hold onto the past. Gee, I never thought of that.
Libra: Today will be the last time that you ever say, “Hey, watch me dangle from this bridge.”
Scorpio: Sometimes you can be a bit too reticent for your own good. Any thoughts on this you’d like to share? No? Okay...
Sagittarius: What you once wanted will no longer make you happy. But don’t despair, in 30 years or so that clean diaper dream will once again live.
Capricorn: You need to adopt a more practical attitude toward golf attire. Yeah, like that will ever happen!
Aquarius: See below.
Pisces: See above.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom Cruise has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. Well, that’s his story... On a completely unrelated note – bet it’s not his kid! Today’s installment finds a happy Tom... Well, go ahead and find out!
Tommy Cruiser’s Baby Planner
I finally figured out how to keep Katie out of my way. And it only cost me a couple of million bucks. Yahoo! This is too great! I bought a new pad in... He, he, he, get this, Ohio so that my rat-toothed fiancée will be able to be closer to her family – and farther away from me!!!!! It’s a three storey mansion in, hah! Toledo. It’s – oh God this is great – smack bang in suburbia and is extremely close to rat girl’s mommy and daddy. I’m so smart! I can leave them all there to inbreed while I can continue to fornicate with Hollywood hunks. Whoopee! And her family are really buying into this. Oh man, get this, Katie’s aunt Carol, said: "Maybe the next thing is they'll get married here and have the baby here, too." Sure thing lady, Toledo’s where I want to be. Oh, and I’m also straight! Ha, ha, ha!
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To read all the other very exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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