"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
October 31
Tehran Just Wants To Have Fun – And Wipe Out The Jews
Responding to
international criticism over remarks by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowing to
destroy
Israel. Iran
said on Saturday it stood by its U.N. commitments not to use violence against
another country… and then it broke out laughing!
”I'm kidding, I’m kidding. I joke. Of course we want to wipe out Israel,” the
country said while speaking on a well known Iranian talk while flogging an
infidel and a Jezebel.
“The Islamic Republic of Iran is committed to ignoring its U.N. charter
commitments,” a Foreign Ministry statement read. “It has never used force
against a second country or threatened the use of force. Well, okay, there was
that time... And once we get the bomb, well, baby, watch out!”
Ahmadinejad
on Friday stood by his controversial stand that Israel should be “wiped off the
map," joining more than a million demonstrators who flooded the capital and
other major cities to protest the existence of the Jewish state. The little
psycho nut job was surprised by the controversy his words stirred.
“Oi, such a
backlash,” he said. “I just want to have fun,” he then continued, “and wipe out
the Jews. And I can do both at the same time. It’s totally, two birds with one
stone!”
Dating Resume
INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Nancy and Jerry sit at a
conference table, she is reviewing a file.
NANCY: Well Jerry, your resume
looks very good. There is a typo on the second page however.
JERRY: Really?
NANCY: There's only one "s" in
intercourse.
JERRY: Oh, right. Sorry about
that.
NANCY: That's alright. We can
overlook it. Now I have a few questions.
JERRY: Of course...fire away.
NANCY: It says here that your
last relationship was three years long, but there is no indication of why you
left.
JERRY: Well, to be honest,I
felt that things with Julie -- my previous girlfriend -- had become static and
that I needed to take on new challenges...I don't like complacency, and wasn't
crazy about her mother, and I think that one must constantly be trying to
achieve more.
NANCY: I see...
JERRY: It's not that I'm
fickle...it just wasn't the right relationship for me.
NANCY: And it took you three
years to determine that?
JERRY: I tried to make things
work...I don't run away from problems.
NANCY: Okay, and what
experience did you gain?
JERRY: (points at resume)
Well, the intercourse was a big part of the job. I was also responsible for
emotional support and companionship. I cut back on my drinking, learned to cook
and am certainly more tender and caring than I was. I think that's a big plus
for any woman who takes me on.
NANCY: I see... Now before
your last relationship you had a series of brief encounters.
JERRY: Yes...Now I know that
may look irresponsible, but I felt I had to explore a lot of different
opportunities in order to discover what was right for me.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for
someone full time Jerry. I want someone who can put in the long hours.
JERRY: Well once again I draw
your attention to the intercourse section on page 2.
NANCY: I don't know that this
is time for jokes, Jerry.
JERRY: I apologize. I'm
nervous.
NANCY: Well I'm looking for a
man with confidence. Now, quite frankly I am concerned about this homosexual
relationship in 83...
JERRY: I'm a bit of a risk
taker Nancy, but I feel that's one of my strong points. I decided to try that
option but after an isolated few dozen incidents I quickly discovered that it
wasn't for me.
NANCY: I don't know Jerry,
you're all over the map. It seems to me that you're just the sort of
relationship I'm trying to stay away from. Look at this, 3 months here, a
weekend there, 45 minutes in the bathroom at your office Christmas party. And
I've checked your references and I must say, there are some pretty bitter people
in your past.
JERRY: I think if you give me
a chance you'll see that I've matured.
NANCY: I'm sorry but I don't
think so Jerry. Thank you for coming in.
JERRY: Please, give me a
chance.
NANCY: Jerry. There's no
point. I've got 50 more men to see this afternoon and each one of them is more
qualified, able and, frankly, attractive. (swhe rises) Now good afternoon.
JERRY: Nancy please. I need
this relationship. I haven't had one in almost two years and I'm desperate.
NANCY: (sits) Pardon me?
JERRY: I'm desperate.
NANCY: You didn't mention that
on the resume.
JERRY: It's not a popular
quality.
NANCY: Well that depends...
JERRY: Please, I really need
this relationship and I'll do whatever it takes.
NANCY: Alright Jerry, I get
the idea. There's something about your pathetic groveling that makes me think I
can work with you and, what the hell... you've got the relationship. I just
want you to know that you will be expected to adore me...not an easy task, ha
ha. Plus I will want comfort, support and understanding. There will be
interaction with my family and I'll expect you to maintain an apartment until
such time as I deem you suitable to live with. Sex will be three times a week
and I want you to cut your hair and work on your sense of humour, any questions?
JERRY: Just about the
sex...missionary, or will I be required to...?
NANCY: Mild kink with a touch
of role play. Nothing violent but a tad dangerous. I don't climax easily so be
prepared to work. (shakes his hand) Congratulations.
JERRY: Thanks.
Your Horoscope.
Aries:
After 10 days you will finally read a new horoscope on this page.
Taurus: See
above.
Gemini: Today plenty of people will tell you where you are going wrong.
Same with tomorrow. And the day after that, and so on...
Cancer: You will continue to view brambles as
prickly
shrubs of the genus Rubus, including the blackberry and the raspberry.
Leo:
Venus, planet of love, loves your best friend. A love triange ensues and ends
with gunshots.
Virgo: Mercury, your ruler, doesn’t put up with your guff and administers
a serious ass whooping on you.
Libra: Anything is possible today. Well, actually, no, not really. Sorry
to get your hopes up.
Scorpio: You may have all sorts of ideas about how to make your life
wonderful and happy, but your ideas are all suprememly ridiculous. Stick with
the not-so-wonderful life and with being unhappy.
Sagittarius: You are rarely short of words, which is why everyone around
you always has a headache.
Capricorn: A rabid dog and a friend’s dare will end up not working in
your favour.
Aquarius: You will forget to set your clock back tonight.
Pisces: It will be off with the old and on with the new. Yes, you’ve finally
purchased new underwear!
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Tom
Cruise's Baby Planner
Tom Cruise
has achieved an emission impossible and impregnated Katie Holmes. More probable
is some form of Scientology immaculate conception: Or, another man.
Tommy Cruiser’s
Baby Planner
Katie’s new home continues to get built. Which is great for me and my
Greko-Roman ways. Soon I may never have to see her again! Hopefully once this
baby thing arrives she’ll stop whining and throwing up, and, even worse, asking
me for “snuggles.” Talk about wanting to shudder all the time... Oh, this is
dreary – Spielberg called and yelled at me, and just because I sent a team of
church activists to harass his friend’s psychiatrist. He was in quite a tizzy!
Jeesh, you try and save an ignorant person and this is the thanks you get!
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gopher show
gum boils
polish hairy moustaches in pictures
leather wife
german haemorrhoid cream
milton berle's penis
french tourism campaign
big breasted granny
are the bernstein bears jewish
sodomizing ventriloquists
Photos of Happier Days
for George
A few shots of George in happier times. You remember them, when he could get
away with all that crap he pulls. Ah, memories...
We both agreed that while it was cute, the hat made him look like an even bigger
buffoon.
Say what you want about George, at least he cleans up real good!
Feeling Frisky! I was
sorry to see George rinse out the red. We had a big fight and he got all musical
and sang, “I’m gonna wash that red ant right out of my hair.” He’s such a drama
queen – and lousy president.
Our comedy act at The
White House Dinner.
Him: Hey Avery, who was that woman I saw you with last night?
Me: Shut the hell up you imbecile!
(Hold for big laughs and applause)
Yet another picture of
George lying to the nation while I hump the back of his head. Hey, whatever
gets you through the night!
Only 55
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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