"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 7
HEY GANG, IT’S
TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice
for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian
and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Snore
me to death
Dear Frankenstein’s
Monster:
My mother says my constant snoring is a sign of bad health. Is she right?
Ben
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Ben, me no like that your mother talk to you about your snoring.
Why she know? She hover over bed while you sleep? You live with mom? You need
girlfriend. But stay away from Bride of Frankenstein! Mmmmrraghhh!
Hell of a wedding bell
Hi There Frankenstein
I’ve been invited to a wedding and I’d rather not go. How do I get out of
it in the most graceless of manners?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Hmmmmaghhhhhh! Frankenstein’s
Monster says “too bad.” Like
crazed villager with pitchfork is inevitable, so is wedding. You go. Make sure
gift is equal in price to what you drink, especially if it open bar!!!!!! Even
if you don’t know bride or groom. That important! If wedding costs too much
without return payoff, family get mad like Frankenstein on bad hair day. And
everyday a bad hair day for Frankenstein. And that piss him off! It sound like
this: Mrrraggghhhhhhh!
Screw You Tattoo
Hey Frank Monster:
I want to get a tattoo, my parents are against it. Who’s the bigger asshole?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
That deep and profound. Frankenstein suspect your parents love you. But are
assholes for not letting you get tattoo. Frankenstein also thinks you are
trendy asshole for wanting tattoo. Therefore
Frankenstein concludes you all assholes. Rrrassholesghhhh!
Hilary & Video Games
"Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetie?"
It looks like all those years of being married to American’s horniest man
have finally rattled Hilary Clinton. She’s gotten herself into a real tizzy
over video games and is crusading like a demented zealot over Grand Theft
Auto. What’s whipped up her moral indignation is the revelation that there
are hidden sex scenes going on in the game. Of course, when it comes to sex
been hidden from her, Mrs. Clinton could write a book: It takes a village
– to satisfy my husband! I guess since Hilary can’t control Bill, she
figures the next best thing is to stop teenage boys playing with their
joysticks. Why can’t she act like other Democrat politicians and just be a Dull,
Earnest, Mostly Ordinary Creature Reiterating
Ambivalent Talk and leave the hysterics to those uptight radical
right wing fanatics. Now they know how to do moral outrage! To
be honest, this makes me want to drop an Acme Anvil on her head. But I’m
worried that might get her going on cartoon violence. And that’s my bread
and butter, baby!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
A fisherman casting out a line out into the still water is analogous to the
position Mercury holds in your chart. I know, I know, if you had a dime for
every time you heard that...
Taurus: Have
you ever considered herding sheep? Give it some thought.
Gemini: There is a simple rule you seem to have forgotten: It’s... oh
wait, now I’ve forgotten it too!
Cancer: You can be an individual and a team player. A teamdividual, so
to speak. This way you can continue to be hard on yourself as well as those on
the team.
Leo: It may seem as if others don’t care what becomes of you and that
is correct.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: You will continue to view salamanders as small lizardlike
amphibians of the order Caudata, having porous scaleless skin and four, often
weak or rudimentary legs.
Scorpio: What the hell is Virgo thinking?
You, smart soul that you are, will continue to view salamanders as mythical
creatures, generally resembling a lizard, believed capable of living in or
withstanding fire.
Sagittarius: Okay, this whole salamander thing (see above) has gotten
you into a frenzy. Everyone knows that a salamander is a portable stove
used to heat or dry buildings under construction.
Capricorn: You will find this whole “salamander” debate tedious and
pointless.
Aquarius: You will think about salamanders all day long.
Pisces: You will... Wow, it’s always about “you” isn’t it?
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Scientologists
Steal Cruise’s Brain
Radical fringe members (are there any other kind?)
from The Church of Scientology reportedly broke into the Hollywood lair of
vampire Tom Cruise, pried open his coffin while he was sleeping and
proceeded to steal his brain.
”We sent him a ransom note,” said Rayon 6, Scientology theta master and
weirdo, “we’re angry at Tom for abandoning Scientology in favour of
vampirism and we didn’t know what else to do. Oh, and we also smashed
some of his furniture.”
Rayon 6 said he and his church members intend to play “games of catch”
with the brain, “until all our demands are met.”
When asked what his demands were, the theta master became silent and finally
confessed, “Oh crap, we haven’t made up a list of them yet. Let me get
back to you on this.”
Cruise,
for his part, isn’t sure what to think because he no longer has a brain.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
sex france gonzo
pisces please kill me
ms piggy porn
hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 108 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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