"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 8
Big Strong Football Players
Get Weepy
Terrell Owens is ready to end his feud with
Donovan McNabb.
Owens and McNabb haven’t been on speaking
terms throughout the preseason.
“It’s not that I hate Donovan. I love Donovan. I love him soooo much!”
Owens cried, “I was just disappointed in a few things. I have the right to
do that. I am a human being. I have feelings!”
Owens started the friction in April when he
took a shot at McNabb, saying he “wasn’t the most considerate of
lovers.”
McNabb responded harshly, insisting he was a caring, gentle lover who was very
much into foreplay.
After he was banished from McNabb’s heart, Owens again went after McNabb,
calling the five-time Pro Bowl quarterback a “real meany and nasty wasty who
has a small one.” Owens has received some counseling and apparently got in
touch with “the woman within him” and now he’s finally reaching out to
McNabb.
”Don’t
shut me out, baby,” Owens is reported to have pleaded.
Hilary & Video Games
"Pass me the hand grenades, will you sweetie?"
It looks like all those years of being married to American’s horniest man
have finally rattled Hilary Clinton. She’s gotten herself into a real tizzy
over video games and is crusading like a demented zealot over Grand Theft
Auto. What’s whipped up her moral indignation is the revelation that there
are hidden sex scenes going on in the game. Of course, when it comes to sex
been hidden from her, Mrs. Clinton could write a book: It takes a village
– to satisfy my husband! I guess since Hilary can’t control Bill, she
figures the next best thing is to stop teenage boys playing with their
joysticks. Why can’t she act like other Democrat politicians and just be a Dull,
Earnest, Mostly Ordinary Creature Reiterating
Ambivalent Talk and leave the hysterics to those uptight radical
right wing fanatics. Now they know how to do moral outrage! To
be honest, this makes me want to drop an Acme Anvil on her head. But I’m
worried that might get her going on cartoon violence. And that’s my bread
and butter, baby!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
An abundance of ideas and well-formulated plans is not what you are all about.
Taurus: The more mistakes you make the wiser you become, you genius,
you.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: Despite your impressive natural insight, your obvious wisdom
and your shining intelligence, you still must ask people, “Do you want fries
with that?”
Leo: You will continue to view seagulls as gulls found near coastal
areas.
Virgo: You have the stage presence of a three-ring master of ceremonies
and the girth of sideshow fat man.
Libra: Nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing to tell you other than
that.
Scorpio: Having an idea is one thing, but having an idea that doesn’t
involve getting plastered is another.
Sagittarius: You should know by now... Wait, look who I’m talking to!
Capricorn: You’re not so much helpless as you are hapless.
Aquarius: The rip in your pants will amuse others.
Pisces: Today you will actually hit your husband over the head with a
rolling pin. Really!
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 3
Without His Brain
Earlier this
week, some spunky weirdoes from
The Church of Scientology reportedly broke into the Hollywood lair of vampire
Tom Cruise and stole his brain.
”We have it,” said Rayon 6, Scientology theta master and flake, “it’s
kind of a puny thing which would suggest why Tom would leave us for the
dangerous cult of Vampirism. But he can have it back as long as he meets our
demands. What we want is him to convert 10 Hollywood stars over to
Scientology. And not the Kirstie Alleys and John Travoltas, I’m talking A-Listers.
We’d really like to get those Olsen twins. Anyway, he does that and gets his
brain back.”
Cruise,
for his part, isn’t sure what to think because he no longer has a brain.
His lawyers are suggesting a counter offer of his sham bride Katie
Holmes and some Los Angeles Lakers cheerleaders.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
sex france gonzo
pisces please kill me
ms piggy porn
hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 107 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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