"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 10
Disneyland China – Fun Times, Commie Style!
Line up workers and rejoice
– and that’s an order! Disneyland China is ready to open next week.
There’ll be plenty of “Mulan”
references, Mickey Mouse and Goofy will be renamed Communist Mouse and Stupid
Capitalist and the rides are all based on sweat shops and consist of more
“working” than “riding.”
Some visitors were given a sneak preview
and when they complained about long lines and oppressive working/riding
conditions they were unceremoniously shot.
“That stopped them from
spewing their filthy lies,” said Communist Mouse.
Brown Out
“Remember
me as an inept moron that got this job through connections and who was
responsible for the deaths of many.”
Michael Brown
Amid criticism of just doing a pathetic
(and I mean really pathetic) job, Michael Brown, hapless director of the
Federal Emergency Management Agency, is handing over Hurricane Katrina relief
duties to a Coast Guard official and returning to Washington to oversee the
national office.
“Other challenges and threats remain
around the world, and Brown is needed to prepare for those,” said some guy
from Homeland Security at a news conference in Baton Rouge.
Those "other challenges" will
include checking his nose every hour to make sure it’s
not runny or filled with boogers, as well as collecting the semen of Arabian
horses.
Asked ahead of the announcement if he was
being made a scapegoat, Brown told The Associated Press after a long pause:
"I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I hadn’t heard anything.
Officially, that is."
He then resorted to his can’t fail,
“it’s not my fault” speech, “I’m anxious to get back to D.C. to
correct all the inaccuracies and lies that are being said,” Brown said.
Yes, Mr. Brown is heading to Washington to
find the truth. Good luck, pal.
“I’m going to go walk my wife and hug
my dog,” he said, “this
story’s not about me. This story’s about the worst disaster of the history
and how I did a totally crap job responding. Well, okay, it’s partially
about me.”
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Mercury, planet of the mind is once again at odds with Uranus, planet of
upheaval. Oh those two... They’re the original Odd Couple!
Taurus: You’ve been in Prison in China, Bulgaria and Poland, but the
prison in your mind is far worse than... Actually, the one in China was pretty
awful.
Gemini: You may be annoyed that your instincts have let you down but
remember: they’re plenty disappointed in you as well.
Cancer: You have the flexibility of a contortionist and the rigid moral
center of a radical right wing God boy.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: Why is it that certain people always try and provoke you?
Simple. You’re an uptight ass and easy to rattle.
Libra: It is important that you think for yourself today. Remember what
I just told you and do it.
Scorpio: You will be in a talkative mood today but there is a danger that
people much actually hear the inanities you’re spewing. Remember to try to
mumble to yourself.
Sagittarius: You will continue to view nausea as a feeling of sickness
in the stomach characterized by an urge to vomit.
Capricorn: Mercury, planet of snap decisions and bad haircuts spends
the day pushing you around.
Aquarius: Speaking of bad haircuts... You should reconsider the Mohawk.
Pisces: Be extra careful what you agree to today. Especially if it
involves a contractor: Because let's face it, they’re all crooks!
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 5 Without His Brain
Earlier this week, some avenging Scientologists reportedly
broke into the Hollywood lair of vampire Tom Cruise and stole his brain.
Cruise, who has been unusually silent on the matter is finally speaking up.
”I really need my brain,” he said, “without I can’t make up my
shopping list or figure out how to start my lawnmower. It’s been 5 days I
last mowed my lawn. And I no longer know how to use the coin laundry machines
at the Laundromat. Also, I can’t tell the difference between no name
Macaroni and Cheese and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. And I don’t know how to
plug my vacuum cleaner into the wall. I feel paralyzed and hopeless.”
Cruise’s
aids then informed the actor that he never knew any of these things to begin
with.
”Oh,” pondered Tom. “How about that? Hey, maybe I don’t need it after
all.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
CHAINO
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Chaino On “Punching Out The Buddha”
2. Chaino’s Philosophy about Poisoning School Children
3. Chaino’s Theory Of The Noble Savage Pimp
4. Do The Chaino Growl (Or Else You Die!)
Side Two
1. What Chaino Did On His Summer Holiday (He Kill People!)
2. The Chaino Whip & Stab Dance Mix
3. Chaino On "Golf & How To Use The Clubs As Weapons"
4. Chaino Kills! (Recorded live at The Hollywood Bowl)
Chaino
proud musician. Chaino proud of his latest record. Yaghhhh! Chaino proud of
his ability to scream “Yaghhhh!”
Chaino recorded this album on limited budget. Chaino enlist non-union musicians.
Chaino beat them with whips until they create unique “Chaino Sound.”
Chaino mic drums from behind and add reverb. Make big noise. Chaino sacrifice
chicken on mixing board. Recording engineer not like this. He yell at Chaino.
Chaino get mad and cut his head off and shrink it. Chaino drink out of
shrunken head as he write these liner notes... Ha, ha, ha... Chaino laugh.
Chaino say you buy this record or he put voodoo spell on you. Chaino say you
go, buy it now!
Chaino
1969
Cover photo: Son of Chaino ©
1969 Head Hunted Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
sanctimonious
new york times
sex ape
dog pope costume
sex france gonzo
pisces please kill me
ms piggy porn
hairy balls
original gargoyle
libra whore
john candy and sleep apnea
Only 105 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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