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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 12
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries: Consider soap.
Taurus: Consider toothpaste.
Gemini: Consider considering a consideration.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: You will continue to view pancakes as thin cakes made of batter
that are poured onto a hot greased surface and cooked on both sides until
brown.
Virgo: You will continue to view flapjacks as thin cakes made of batter
that are poured onto a hot greased surface and cooked on both sides until
brown.
Libra: You will continue to view hotcakes as thin cakes made of batter
that are poured onto a hot greased surface and cooked on both sides until
brown.
Scorpio: You will continue to view griddlecakes as thin cakes made of
batter that are poured onto a hot greased surface and cooked on both sides
until brown.
Sagittarius: You have the verbal skills of a parrot without the cool
perch and colourful plumage.
Capricorn: You will continue to spell colour with a “u.”
Aquarius: Today nothing will happen. Which, I suppose, is something.
Sort of...
Pisces: Because you are the last horoscope that gets written, once again
you will get the crummiest and least creative piece of advice. That is all...
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 7 Without His Brain
Those
spacey Scientologists may have stolen vampire Tom Cruise’s brain, but as far
as he’s concerned, they did him a huge favor.
”Who needs a brain?” Asked the diminutive thespian, “I live in
Hollywood. Craniums aren’t required. My life is less complicated now. And,
like I renounced Scientology, I am now renouncing my vampirism and becoming a
Buddhist. Without my brain I have achieved spiritual clarity. After all, a
brain is just a portion of the vertebrate’s central nervous system. Sure,
some say may say it’s the primary center for the regulation and control of
bodily activities, but those people are brainless, sorry, brain-filled morons.
I say “no” to sensory impulses. “No” to gray matter that transmits
information to the body organs. And “no” to consciousness, thought,
memory, and emotion. As a Buddhist, I now see that a brain is a materialistic
good. And those can only bring people unhappiness. And I am much happier
without my brain. You should all try it!”
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 103 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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