"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 16
We all suspected as much, right?
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
Your Horoscope:
Aries: If your neck hurts, some would say it’s
because someone is being in a pain in the neck. Using the same reasoning, back
trouble may indicate that you feel emotionally unsupported. Or there’s the
simple reality – you’re getting older, and back and neck pains come with
the territory.
Taurus: You can get blood from a stone if you whack someone over the
head with it.
Gemini: The last lunar cycle didn’t wash out your celestial soul and
now you smell kind of funky.
Cancer: If the route you were planning to take is blocked, don’t get
angry and stamp your feet like a spoiled child, stamp your feet like Godzilla.
Leo: See Taurus.
Virgo: What seems funny to you may not seem funny to everyone... But we
laughed when you threw a pie in the Reverend’s face.
Libra: There is a right way, a wrong way and you’re way, which is the
half-assed way.
Scorpio: Travel and social plans continue to not be in your future.
Sagittarius: The sky knows how much stress and strain you’ve suffered
– and like everyone else, it doesn’t much care.
Capricorn: You will continue to view schmaltz as liquid chicken fat.
Aquarius: You will continue to view schmaltz as maudlin sentimentality.
Pisces: You have the prophetical gifts of a soothsayer and the eyes of a
crazy nut.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise: Day 11 Without His Brain
It’s day 11 for master thespian, Tommy Cruise without a brain and he now
admits that he really wants it back.
”I’m willing to offer Katie Holmes, Kirstie Alley, 50 bucks, a dream date
with Oprah and a bag of spinach,” Cruise said in a statement.
Cruise’s
offer was scoffed at by Rayon 6, Scientology theta master and weirdo,
“Kirstie Alley? Pah. Okay, the spinach I can use, but the rest of the stuff
is hopeless. We want the Olsen Twins, one of those shrinking party girl
actresses like Paris or Lindsay and 10 bags of spinach. Tom has 24 hours to
respond or we flush the brain down the toilet.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 99 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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