"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 17
Britney Reproduces
The budding monster infant
Britney
Spears has given birth to a white trash, chain smoking, alien boy, according
to The World News.
The
news, which began circulating Wednesday afternoon, was confirmed by a posting
on the singer's Web site early Thursday morning (September 15) that said,
"It's some kind of a creature!”
“We are terrified,” read the posting,
“this creature has already eaten all the Fruit Loops and smoked all my
cigarettes. Now it’s demanding Kevin take it out to a strip club.”
The
World News had trumpeted the skin-tearing event on Wednesday, citing
unidentified sources at NASA and trailer parks, claiming that the singer
arrived at the hospital with, get this, a police escort shortly before 6 a.m.
that day, and was given a pack of smokes, a 6-pack of bud and sent off to do
her thang.
After
squatting in a field for half a day, Britney popped the monster out, ran home
and logged on to her home page and posted the official
news.
”Oh Christ, I left it back in the field. Whoops, I did it again,” she
wrote.
So
now the game to find the name is on. Some early front-runners include: Blixxa,
Waxy, Goober, Kang, Wolfgang and Hooter.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
You will continue to view ostriches as large, swift-running flightless birds.
Taurus: You have the small head of an ostrich and the two-towed feet of
an ostrich.
Gemini: Today you will think about ostriches.
Cancer: Try not to get carried away with your brilliant plans if only
for the simple reason that they really aren’t that brilliant.
Leo: The sky is stirring up a longing to find out more about a wider
world. Muse on that, Plato.
Virgo: Mercury, maybe your ruler but he isn’t the boss of you.
Libra: FYI: Your dog is no longer “playing” dead.
Scorpio: Thanks to your iPod you are quickly becoming deaf. Start
practicing the following statement, “what?”
Sagittarius: What looks like a golden opportunity with a silver lining
is a bronze bust.
Capricorn: You have not yet accepted that life need not be so
stressful. And it’s driving you crazy!
Aquarius: See above.
Pisces: You will be rewarded with a tremendous breakthrough. Or not.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
How Cruise Got His
Brain Back
It’s day 12 and master thespian, Tommy Cruise, has had his brain returned to
him by the evil freaks at The Church of Scientology.
”I got my brain back!” yelled an exalted Tommy, “oh yeah! Oh man, oh
baby! My brain! I’m smart! Everyone else is stupid and glib!”
Cruise had originally
offered up the Scientologists a pretty poor ransom package which included,
Katie Holmes, Kirstie Alley, 50 bucks, a dream date with Oprah and a bag of
spinach. But last night the little guy sweetened the pot by also offering up
Elmo and three heads of lettuce.
Scientology
theta master and weirdo, Rayon 6, said, “Elmo sealed the deal. We’re
already working on converting him and that should help us reach the precious
kid demographic more easily. It’s like Elmo says, or will say soon enough,
‘Elmo like Scientology.’”
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 98 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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