"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 18
HEY GANG, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
”ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER!”
Advice for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly
Transylvanian and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Driving Miss Demeanor
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
My mother is 103 and she refuses to stop driving. She’s legally blind and
her reaction time is slow. She’s also on painkillers and likes to mix them
with her booze and then go for a spin. It’s only a matter of time before she
kills someone – again. I understand she wants her independence and freedom
but people are dying. What do I do?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Old lady more dangerous than Frankenstein! Old lady crush and kill
people. But, she may also be kind of funny when she do it... Funny and blind
like Mr. Magoo. Remember him? Ha, ha. He funny. And blind. Still, this no
laughing matter. Not fun to make light of situation. Like Mel Brooks make
light of Frankenstein in his movie. Me no like that. Make Frankenstein mad!
Mrrrrraggggggh!
Being
Gay Doesn’t Mean I’m Happy
Hi Frankie,
I’m
15, male, gay, and with low self esteem. Life sucks, and yes, so do I. How do
I get happy?
Gay But Not Happy Gay
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Maraghhhhhaggghh! Frankenstein a little nervous here. Frankenstein all man
monster. Still, Frankenstein know about low self esteem. He get it when
villagers shun him and scream when he arrive. How you think that make
Frankenstein feel!???! Huh?! Sorry... That Frankenstein’s problem... Well,
villagers’ problem but Frankenstein must deal with it. He will. Make them
all pay. Anyway, so, you gay and unhappy. Frankenstein no fear gay like he
does fire. Frankenstein say live and let live... And then he kill people.
Frankenstein suggest therapy. Avoid priests. Priests will not help you with
this problem. Likely make it worse. Either condemn you or want to make love.
No win situation with church. Stick with nonjudgmental therapist.
Mrrraggghhhhh!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Don’t worry if a relationship goes through a rough patch. You’re just
getting dumped like so much trash, that’s all.
Taurus: Take
it easy today. In fact, don’t think or move at all. We suggest snorting glue
to get that true comatose feeling.
Gemini: Consider, for a moment, what the world would be like if
everyone was made out of cake. Did you do it? Good. Okay, that’s you done
for the day.
Cancer: Show people your vulnerable side and when they get close smack
‘em over the head with a stick.
Leo: It is absolutely imperative you not wallow in maudlin emotions.
Wallow in the mud like the swine you are.
Virgo: Some of the people you have to deal with can be unreasonable.
But don’t worry, no one is as unreasonable as you are. And that means you
win again!
Libra: Your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing. And
maybe that’s a good thing because what your right hand is doing is
thoroughly disgusting.
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: You will continue to view Frankenstein’s monster as the
monster created by Frankenstein in a gothic novel by Mary Wollstonecraft
Shelley.
Capricorn: You have the ticks and fleas of a Chihuahua and the face of
a bulldog.
Aquarius: There is no point worrying about money because you cannot
fret over something you do not have.
Pisces: You will get the urge to travel today but given your finances you
can only go as far the bathroom. Bring the travel section of the newspaper
with you. Close your eyes and imagine...
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
His Brain Has Been Returned, But Cruise Continues To Display A
Complete Lack of One
Tom Cruise, his brain safely
returned and jammed back into his head, doesn’t seem to have gotten any
smarter and still plans to continue forward with his sham marriage to
blithering fiancé Katie Holmes.
”It all happens on Christmas Day,” Cruise said, “the holiest of
Scientology days. The day the little baby alien was born.”
Cruise has apparently been writing a “wedding journal” that he is happy to
show to anyone who can be bothered to look at it.
Let’s spend the next few months pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Oh yeah, oh man, oh baby. Another wedding to a female. Ugh. The things I do
for my career. Wonder how long this one will last? Nicole managed to go
several years without sex but rat girl seems eager. Hope I can keep putting
her off. At least she’s stupid. My excuses about my war wound still seem to
appease. But for how much longer? Called Bruce and invited him over to frolic.
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Happiness with Ron Johnson
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. The Ballad of “They Pelted Garbage and Rocks At Me”
2. Do The Unclean
3. Forever (In My Parents' Basement)
4. Who Needs A Life?
5. If I Stop Grinning I’ll Probably Die
6. You’ll be sorry when I sneak into your room
7. Happiness with Ron Johnson isn’t all that happy an experience...
Side Two
1. I’m Laughing, I’m Getting A Beating, I’m Confused
2. The “Wish I’d Never Been Born and Then Born Again Song”
3. Has Anyone Seen My Retainer?
4. Speaking of which... Has Anyone Seen My Left Leg? (Take Another Look At The
Album Cover.)
I’m happy. If anyone asks, you tell them that. Tell them I’m happy. Happy,
happy, happy.
I’m so happy I wrote an album called “Happiness”
Look at me. Don’t I just look thrilled with everything around me? All those
plants. And flowers. And my guitar. And my very existence... Yeah, life is
good. Wow. I guess I have it all. I guess...
I recorded this album by myself. I wrote all the songs, without other people.
I don’t need other people. Except for my mom, who dresses me. And feeds me.
And bought my glasses. And took the picture of me.
My album is called “Happiness with Ron
Johnson.” I’m Ron Johnson.
Some call me “the desiccated coconut.” And then they laugh.
Me, well, I’m in my mid 40’s, single, balding, and ready to share my brand
of “Happiness” with the world.
Happy, happy, happy...
Ron Johnson, Model of Happiness & Missing His Left
Leg 1958
Cover photo: Ron’s Mom. ©
1958 Bald-Know-It-All Records
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
gottenheimel
ant farms
vampire recipes
wonder woman chloroform
pray for omarion
pen pals that like david cassidy
cat in a sewer
shaving with whipped cream
deflowering
the austrailian guy who got attacked by a shark
Only 97 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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