"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 19
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
HEY GANG, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
”ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER!”
Advice for the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly
Transylvanian and all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Driving Miss Demeanor
Dear Frankenstein’s Monster:
My mother is 103 and she refuses to stop driving. She’s legally blind and
her reaction time is slow. She’s also on painkillers and likes to mix them
with her booze and then go for a spin. It’s only a matter of time before she
kills someone – again. I understand she wants her independence and freedom
but people are dying. What do I do?
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Mmmmmaghhh! Old lady more dangerous than Frankenstein! Old lady crush and kill
people. But, she may also be kind of funny when she do it... Funny and blind
like Mr. Magoo. Remember him? Ha, ha. He funny. And blind. Still, this no
laughing matter. Not fun to make light of situation. Like Mel Brooks make
light of Frankenstein in his movie. Me no like that. Make Frankenstein mad!
Mrrrrraggggggh!
Being
Gay Doesn’t Mean I’m Happy
Hi Frankie,
I’m
15, male, gay, and with low self esteem. Life sucks, and yes, so do I. How do
I get happy?
Gay But Not Happy Gay
Frankenstein’s Monster Say:
Maraghhhhhaggghh! Frankenstein a little nervous here. Frankenstein all man
monster. Still, Frankenstein know about low self esteem. He get it when
villagers shun him and scream when he arrive. How you think that make
Frankenstein feel!???! Huh?! Sorry... That Frankenstein’s problem... Well,
villagers’ problem but Frankenstein must deal with it. He will. Make them
all pay. Anyway, so, you gay and unhappy. Frankenstein no fear gay like he
does fire. Frankenstein say live and let live... And then he kill people.
Frankenstein suggest therapy. Avoid priests. Priests will not help you with
this problem. Likely make it worse. Either condemn you or want to make love.
No win situation with church. Stick with nonjudgmental therapist.
Mrrraggghhhhh!
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Consider the mullet.
Taurus:
Consider the afro.
Gemini: Consider the shag cut.
Cancer: Consider the toupee.
Leo: Consider the perm.
Virgo: Consider the peek-a-boo.
Libra: Consider the buzz cut.
Scorpio: Consider the Mohawk.
Sagittarius: Consider shampoo.
Capricorn: Consider sideburns.
Aquarius: Consider highlights.
Pisces: See all of the above. And then you decide.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Tommy
Cruiser still plans to go ahead with his sham marriage to blithering fiancé
Katie Holmes.
”It all happens on Christmas Day,” Cruise said, “the holiest of
Scientology days. The day the little baby alien was born.”
Cruise has apparently been writing a secret “wedding journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Oh yeah, oh man, oh baby. Well, now I guess I’ll always have to associate
Christmas Day with getting betrothed to a rat-toothed ninny. Too bad. I used to
really love that holiday; it reminded me of my youth spent torturing small
animals.
And to make matters worse, she (Katie) is going to actually take my
name and become Mrs. Cruise. Oh Scientology God. I can already here the stupid little game
I’ll have to play for the first horrid month.
Her: Good morning, Mr. Cruise.
Me: Good morning, Mrs. Cruise.
Her: I love you, Mr. Cruise.
Me: You too, Mrs. Cruise.
Her: I’m going to the bathroom, Mr. Cruise.
Me: Shut the hell up, Mrs. Cruise.
Totally dreary, dearie. Oh
well, that’s the curse of being a famous actor and “stud.”
Still, at least I get to plan a guest list! I just love that! Picking
and choosing and denying and breaking hearts!!!! So, let’ see... Guess if I want to keep
my homoerotic secrets safe, I better invite Nicole... Plus a few of my
Scientology pals, Johnny (Revolting) Travolta, everyone’s favorite actress,
Juliette Lewis, Lisa Marie Presley... Oh! And Bruce! And Chad! And Willy! God
I love those hunks!
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 96 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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