"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 19
Art Attacks
Because
her boob was always exposed and the left side of
her
face was shaped like a penis, Beatrice was stuck
with the crappy nickname “Tit Flashing Dick Head.”
Oh,
there was trouble in paradise alright. Adam
was tired of listening to Eve’s demands to put down the toilet seat and Eve
was getting fed up with Adam’s subtle hints for more
oral sex.
What
I did on my Summer Vacation
By
Peter Remstead (Age 43)
I had two weeks off. That was good. On the first day I sat. I sat a lot. My
wife asked me if that was all I was going to do for two weeks… I didn’t
have an answer. Later, I finally
got up to go to bed. I thought
about how tomorrow I would have only thirteen days left in my summer vacation.
I lay down. I wept like a god damned baby. On the second day I woke up
early… Very early… 6am. I woke up early even though I was allowed to sleep
in. I thought it was funny. Funny that my life seemed to be programmed to a
timetable that I despised. It was funny but I did not laugh. I
had a shower and I went for a walk. I
walked past my office and wondered if someone was sitting in my desk.
On the third day it rained. I
turned on the TV. There was nothing on the TV. I watched it anyway. On
the fourth day I thought about how I had only 10 days left on my summer
vacation. I felt dread. On the fifth day I struck one of my children for no
apparent reason and then took them to a fast food restaurant. I had a burger
with fries and when I flirted with the girl behind the counter she laughed
mockingly at me. On the sixth day
I went for a walk. I got lost. I took a cab home… It cost me 20 dollars.
On the seventh day I visited the office.
My boss asked me what I was doing there.
I had no answer. My boss
told me that I looked ill and that I needed a vacation.
On the eight and ninth days I sat in my basement drinking scotch and
making a spice-rack out of old trophies I had won in high school.
On the tenth day I refused to shave, at lunch I changed my mind.
On the eleventh and twelfth days I stayed in bed with the covers pulled
over my head. On the thirteenth
day I made love to my wife, but I would have done that anyway as it was the
second Saturday of the month. On the fourteenth day I took photos so I would
remember my vacation and the next day I returned to work. Thank you.
Art Attacks
Even
though they were hopelessly lost, Roger refused to
listen
to Mimi’s pleas to ask someone for directions….
Once again, Tony was
terribly underdressed for
the office photo.
When Stephanie had to
pee, she REALLY had to pee…
It
was when Ted and Debbie from next door showed up
to
welcome them to the neighborhood with a fruit basket
and
an
offer of “Parcheesi, cocktails, and a goat
sex
orgy” that the Smiths knew they’d be moving out of
the
suburbs ASAP.
Though she appeared calm and always in control,
Doris
secretly worried that eventually someone
would discover there was a midget living in her dress.
Betsy
was
terribly disappointed. The annual bake sale was over
and no one had bought her Meat Pie Head.
“Next
year I’ll go easier on the beard,” she thought.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canada
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rants
canadian rant words
How to make a pope costume
horny cows
meaning of avery
new folsom prison
barbara
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panties
freddie the freshman
hedda hopper destroyed careers of
how much was four pence worth in the 14th century
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 98 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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the top)
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