"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 20
Yay! Hockey is Back!
"I missed making fun of it" says non fan.
St.
Louis Blues forward Keith Tkachuk failed his physical and has been
suspended by the team.
"The guy weighs 350 pounds, arrived with a cigar in his mouth, a bottle
of Jack Daniels in his hands and extolled the merits of crack. We really had
no choice but to fail him,” Blues general manager Larry Pleau said.
Pleau did not say how long Tkachuk would be suspended.
"It could be a while. When I told him he was suspended, he chugged from
his bottle, said he thought hockey was a stupid game and then told me to
‘puck off,’” said St. Louis head coach Mike Kitchen. “He has the
potential to get 50 goals with his skill level, but as long as he’s wearing
a bib and a diaper, I don’t see that happening.”
Tkachuk, entering his 14th season in the league, said he really enjoyed his
time off, discovered the joys of “lying around drinking” during the
strike, and thinks that hockey would be more entertaining if it was played by
fat, millionaire drunks. “It would be more wacky, and we need wacky in this
world,” he slurred.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Be decisive. Or indecisive. Or rely on your friends for decisions. Or family.
Or both. Or none. The choice is yours – just make one, damn it!
Taurus: You
are the kind of Taurus who smells like a bull.
Gemini: You appreciate beauty in all its shapes and forms but no one
else is impressed with your sweat stain artwork.
Cancer: Today you will take that foot that you usually use for jamming
in your mouth and insert it in your ass. Variety is the spice of life, after
all.
Leo: You have the religious beliefs of a puritan and the gout of a
drunkard.
Virgo: You will continue to view shrubs as woody plants of
relatively low height, having several stems arising from the base and lacking
a single trunk.
Libra: If things have been going badly, cheer up. Hope that helps.
Scorpio: Get a job.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Cows produce milk. They don’t recite Shakespeare. Flowers
normally blossom. They don’t warble like birds. Where am I going with this?
You know, I really have no idea. Today you will spare change in your couch.
Aquarius: Once the sun changes signs nothing will happen. Keep an eye
out for it.
Pisces: A defining moment occurs and you sleep through it.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
In order to try and continue to
fool the public, Tommy Cruiser is still planning to go ahead with his sham
marriage to fiancé Katie Holmes.
”It all happens on Xmas Day,” Cruise said, “the holiest of Scientology
days. The day the little baby alien was born.”
Cruise has apparently been writing a secret “wedding journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
I should start
thinking up good excuses to get out of having to do the deed with rat girl.
I’m already dreading our wedding night. I’ve come up with a few passable
excuses ... I’ll share them with my buddies and see what they think.
1. “Sorry Katie, I wish I could, but I was wounded during the war.”
2. “Look! An errant gorilla!”
3. “Okay, the truth is, I’m a virgin and I want to remain one.”
4. “Sex? Well, I’d love to, but it’s against my Scientology religion.”
5. “No thanks. I’m cool.”
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 95 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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