"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 21
5 Most Dangerous Jobs
They rate our restaurants and groom our cats. They play electric guitars and
often choke to death on their own vomit...
According to data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), the workers
most likely to die on the job are the ones we least expect. Isn’t that
always the way it is?
Here are the top five:
1. Rock Star
Particularly guitarists. The nature of their work (which includes their belief
that their reckless behaviour should not only be tolerated but encouraged)
makes these vain, longhairs a prime candidate. Usual methods of kicking the
bucket are the 3 H’s: Hotel, hooker, and heroin.
2. Food Critic
Food critics have one of the most dangerous jobs in the nation. All that fatty
food and empty calories. Plus all the free wine. And yet everyday these brave
snobs are willing to risk it all just to slam a restaurant and be bitchily witty
as they tear it (and their heart) apart. God bless ‘em!
3. TV Producer
Sure, they're definitely evil. But everyday at least one jumps from
an office
window to their death. If it weren’t so
funny it would be sad.
4. Cat Groomers
...Just aren’t as happy as they seem. And there’s a plethora of dangerous
diseases lurking in a cat’s mouth. They'd be safer working on the cat's ass.
These heroes need more danger pay and trained attack dogs.
5. Martha Stewart Lackey
Thankless and dangerous work. She keeps hiring them and then killing them.
Still, she really knows how to embellish a rotting corpse.
Your Horoscope:
Aries: You have important things on your mind and
something hanging from your nose.
Taurus: You
will continue to view the visceral as relating to the viscera.
Gemini: A falling piece of masonry and your bad luck will result in one
doozy of a braining.
Cancer: See above.
Leo: Seven more horoscopes to write after this one. Yes, it’s not
always about you.
Virgo: Six more horoscopes to write after this one. Do you see a
recurring theme coming here? No? Keep reading...
Libra: Five more horoscopes to write after this one. Got it? Good.
Okay, we’ll stop with this now.
Scorpio: Your plans on becoming a complete curmudgeon come to fruition.
Congrats! You are now a fruity curmudgeon.
Sagittarius: Seek counseling.
Capricorn: Peanut butter will continue to stick to the roof of your
mouth.
Aquarius: There ain’t no flies on you. But only because you’re not
dead.
Pisces: It appears that someone you live with is spoiling for a fight.
Smack ‘em over the head with a chair! No doubt you will regret it later, but
that’s the great thing about later, it doesn’t happen now.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
In
order to try and continue to fool the public, Tommy Cruiser is charging ahead
with wedding plans.
”I’m also still making so-soish movies, “he added.
The diminutive star has also apparently been writing a secret “wedding
journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
I wish I could wear a bridal gown. I’d look so hot!
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 94 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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