"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 22
Britney Spears Sings The Postpartum Blues (And It
Sounds Just Awful!)
The buzz is that Britney Spears has been moody since giving birth to a white
trash alien. “Brit’s mood has been up and down since the creature emerged
from her cranium,” a Spears family friend told anyone who would listen.
“She’s been crying a lot and wears a tinfoil hat, which isn’t as cute
looking as it sounds.”
Spears is reportedly worried that the alien baby will smoke all her cigarettes
and possibly eat her while she’s sleeping. There’s also a report that
hubby Kevin Federline almost forgot the couple’s September 18 anniversary
— but made it up to her by buying a six pack for himself.
An unreliable source says that Spears wants to
have the alien “thrown to the dogs” or at least perform a “bris-like”
ceremony, though it’s “unclear exactly how far they can go on such a
thing,” says the source, “because technically the alien baby isn’t
Jewish.”
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Your ability to down a pint of beer in under a minute remains your greatest
asset.
Taurus: In
order to fully understand the complexity of a recent scenario you need to do
some careful consideration. Hey! A real horoscope!
Gemini: As hard as it is, today it will be wise to avoid goat milk.
Cancer: You have the smarts of a Harvard grad and the tail of a circus
freak.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You’re flying low.
Libra: Once a difficult issue has been sorted out another one comes
along.
Scorpio: Be objective. It’s the latest dance craze.
Sagittarius: You will continue to view Spartans as citizens of Sparta.
Capricorn: It’s time you knew: Cheese Whiz is not your friend.
Aquarius: Two words for you today: Loose stools.
Pisces: There is no point in trying to convince or convert those whose
opinions are the opposite of your own. But, of course, that’s not going to
stop you, is it?
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
In
order to try and continue to fool the public, Tommy Cruiser is charging ahead
with wedding plans.
”This is the best part of the wedding, trust me,” he added.
The Oscar challenged star has also apparently been writing a secret “wedding
journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
When it comes to food, I’m
thinking one word – peanuts. I’m thinking Carrot and Peanut Salad, Peanut
Sesame Noodles, Peanut Beef Stir Fry, Peanut Butter Buckeyes and Peanut Butter
Balls. Yummy! Rat girl is unhappy about this, but then she’s a ninny who
suffers from Arachibutrophobia – the fear of peanut butter sticking to the
roof of your mouth.
Oh, and I think she may also be allergic to them. Who knows, who cares?
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
Honest Pick-Up
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
A MAN approaches a
WOMAN seated at a barstool. They
engage in conversation. The tone is light.
MAN: Hi.
WOMAN: Hi...
MAN: I saw you from
across the bar, but despite my insecurities I decided to risk rejection and
speak with you.
WOMAN: Well, since
you're the only man who has all night, I'll spend a couple of minutes talking
to you before I decide if you're a loser.
MAN: You know, if I
wasn't half tanked, I wouldn't even look at you.
WOMAN: Fortunately
it's so dark in here I can't see you.
MAN: I'm pathetically
lonely.
WOMAN: So am I!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
MAN: I can't believe
I'm trying to pick you up.
WOMAN: I can't
believe I'm letting you.
MAN: You know, it's
been so long since I've gotten laid, I think I'd say just about anything to
get you into bed.
WOMAN: Believe me, it
won't take much.
MAN: I'd buy you a
drink but I just can't be sure it would pay off.
WOMAN: One more drink
and I'd probably fuck you.
MAN: I really wish we
could just have sex in the alley. That way I don't have to take you back to my
place and deal with you in the morning.
WOMAN: There's no way
you're coming to my place. I want
to have sex with you but I just don't want you to know where I live.
MAN: I just want to
cum real fast, and then go home.
WOMAN: I'm so
bored...I wish I was a lesbian.
MAN: I don't really
like women very much.
WOMAN: I really hate
men.
MAN: I probably can't
even get it up.
WOMAN: I wouldn't
feel you anyway, men are so insignificant.
MAN: I'm married.
WOMAN: I knew that
five minutes ago, but I couldn't care less.
MAN: You probably
want a relationship.
WOMAN: You probably
want me to tell you that you're good in bed.
MAN: God, I hate
talking to you. I just want sex.
WOMAN: You repulse
me. I just want sex too.
MAN: I don't even
know that I want, I just like knowing I can get it.
WOMAN: I like knowing
that men want me, it makes me feel important.
MAN: I wish I had a
life.
WOMAN: I wish you did
too, then maybe I'd be really interested in you.
MAN: If I ever see
you again, I'll pretend I don't know you.
WOMAN:
I'll never see you again and if anyone better comes along, you're history.
They
both laugh.
MAN: So... Do you
want to have sex?
WOMAN: It's not
polite to ask...Just do it.
MAN: How does behind
the dumpster in the parking lot sound?
WOMAN:
Like a dream come true.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 93 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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