"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 24
Sony Firing Spree
Sony Corp.’s Howard
Stringer, the first foreigner to head the Japanese electronics and
entertainment company, enjoyed a day touring the companies plants while
yelling at the workers “You! Yes, you, you’re fired. And so is your
friend beside you... That's right, you! And you, yeah, I’m talking to you! You’re fired as
well. You too lady! Same with you, pal. In fact, let’s just close down this
whole damn plant.”
But many analysts said his "yelling at
workers that he's firing them plan" lacks creativity.
Stringer has responded and written a musical called “The Dissembling of
Sony.”
“Everyone who works for Sony – for the
time being that is – is invited,” he beamed. “I’ve rented a theatre.
It will be a lavish production. There will be songs about staying ahead of
this curve (“Ah ha, ha, ha, staying ahead, staying ahead”), and pithy
dialogue about offering the consumer truly differentiated products... And at
the end of it all, everyone in the theatre will be fired! How’s that for
creative? This will be biggest opening night disaster since Suzanne Sommers
polluted Broadway with her one woman show... Luckily for us we'll only need
the one night to reduce waste and
overhead.”
The musical shakeup also calls for closing
11 of Sony’s 65 manufacturing plants and shrinking or eliminating 15
unprofitable electronics operations by the same deadline.
Stringer, a British-American dual citizen,
acknowledged that times have changed.
”In the good old days, you
just tossed everyone out and locked the doors. If they didn’t like it, you
had them beaten up. Now we have to cushion the blow, write musical operas and prepare people for
unemployment. What am I, a goddamned wet nurse? Still, this musical will be
fun. And trust me, you'll be humming the song, "Give 'Em The Axe"
all the way to your car. Apparently the guy who’s playing the part of me is very talented and
does a bang on imitation. It’ll be weird to fire him after the show, but
maybe I can find him work as my body double. I hear a lot of people would like
to kill me, so I could use a few of them. Ha, ha, ha.”
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
Loved ones will stand by your side and support whatever it is you choose to do.
Push your luck on this one.
Taurus: You
are getting sleepy... Sleepy... Sleepy...
Gemini: You’ve got a case of the blahs. And with both the sun and
Mercury moving through your chart... blah, blah, blah.
Cancer: Expect a most pleasing revelation soon. Oh wait, that’s Leo.
You get squat.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You will continue to view Visigoths as members of the
western Goths that invaded the Roman Empire in the fourth century.
Libra: Consider the toga.
Scorpio: You want to move up in the world. Settle for a ride in an
escalator.
Sagittarius: There are so many positive things happening in your life
that you refuse to be pessimistic. Good for you! (Insert spirit destroying mortality joke
here.)
Capricorn: A plastic drinking cup and bull semen will come together in
ways that repulse your friends.
Aquarius: The cosmos can’t make key decisions for you. That sucks,
huh?
Pisces: Drinking alcohol is still a favorite activity of university
students. Just figured you should know.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
In
order to try and continue to bamboozle the public, Tommy Cruiser is charging
ahead with wedding plans.
Although he’s not fooling anyone.
The glib Scientologist is also writing a secret “wedding journal.”
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Still dreading my wedding night: or Mission Impossible, as I’m now calling
it.
Anyway, on to more important and fun issues. Seating arrangements!!!!
I’m thinking of eschewing the traditional, “boy, girl, boy, girl”
arrangement and going with, “Scientologist, heathen, Scientologist,
heathen.” More on this later. Must
check on Katie. I've left her tied up in the yard and didn’t put water in her dish. She cried,
(she’s always crying!) but like I told her, "That’s what happens when you don’t
study your Scientology books."
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Sing Along With Emmett Kelly
Side One.
1. Everyone Hates A Clown
2. Slightly Better Than A Mime (I’m Only)
3. Bozo & Bimbo (A Harlequin Romance)
4. My Exploding Pants & Subsequent Trouble With The Law
5. Big Top Three-Ring Alcoholism
6. I've Got Them Huge Clown Shoes and Manic Depression Blues
Side Two.
1. Not Wearing Makeup!
2. 26 Of Us In The Damn Little Car
3. Punching The Clown
4. Lions, Elephants, Pills and Liquor Bottles
5. The Circus In My Head (The Going Insane Song)
6. Clown Heaven Is Hell For Everyone Else
7. Sing Along With Emmett Kelly (Kill The Clown, Kill The Clown, Kill The
Clown!)
When
Buffoon Records kidnapped me to record this album, I said, “No, please, not
another record! For God’s sake leave me with a shred of dignity.”
They responded by showing me my contract stating that I had sold them my soul
“In Perpetuity” and that as such I was obligated to keep churning out the
clown albums. What could I do but reluctantly agree?
Making this album was just as horrible an experience as all the others. In
order to get an “authentic circus feel and sound” to the album, I was,
among other things, chased about the studio by live tigers, elephants and
lions. They also jammed me in a recording booth that was smaller than that
damn little clown car we’re forced to drive around in. When I complained
that I was uncomfortable, tired and hungry the producers threw empty liquor
bottles at me. The harder I cried the harder they laughed.
Such is the life of a clown.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i
dream of jeannie rants
grim. jr.
al franken is a bucktoothed moron
did catholics start the crusades
home rehab contest
itchy testicles picture
clowns alphabet
elmo gone bad
militant rant
office rat
Only 91 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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