"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 27
Teachers Bullied, Survey Says
Ontario children save some of the worst bullying for their teachers, a new
survey showed.
From repeated classroom disruptions, to catcalls of “my dad is bigger than
your dad” one in four Ontario teachers say they have been bullied by their
students.
”He was waiting for me after school and gave me a wedgie. Then he punched me
in the nose and told me to take that home to my mother. It was terrifying,”
said one teacher who wished to remain antonymous.
More
than 20% of teachers who are bullied by students have sought professional help
to cope. And in a deliciously ironic twist, 19% of them have ended up getting
bullied by their psychologists.
”It’s a vicious cycle,” said one teacher. “You confide in a therapist
that you’re getting pushed around by a little kid and they immediately start
making fun of you and pushing you around as well. The law of the jungle sucks
if you’re a timid teacher, I can tell you that. But no more! From now on
I’m packing heat. I can’t wait until either my therapist or one of my
students calls me a ‘useless turd’ and then sticks my head in a toilet and
gives me a swirly. Once I’ve stop crying and dried my hair, I’ll put a cap
in their goddamned asses!”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Paddy Roberts: Songs For Gay Dogs
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Butt Smelling Dog
2. Give Me A Bone
3. It’s Fun to Hump at The SPCA
4. Heavy Breathing, Hanging Tongues
5. Make You My Bitch
Side Two
1. Bend Over Rover
2. Sniff Sniff, I Remember You Now!
3. Neutered Blues
4. King (Bury It & Make Me Bark)
5. French My Poodle
I love my gay dog. I’m not ashamed of my gay dog. My wife has a hard time
accepting that our dog is gay. But not me. I’m okay with it. Yup, real good.
Sure, sometimes I lie awake at nights wondering what the hell kind of depraved
things it’s doing with other gay dogs, but I still marched in their parade.
And let me tell you, freedom of sexual choice is all fine and dandy but some
of those doggie floats bordered on pornography. Still, I love my gay dog. I accept me
gay dog. If I keep telling myself that then it’s gotta be true. Right?
Paddy Roberts (Tolerant Pet Owner) 1971
Cover
photo: Paddy’s Less Tolerant Wife ©
1971 Barking Mad Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
You will not write horoscopes for a living.
Taurus: See
above.
Gemini: You know which strings to pull and yet you still can’t cut it
as a puppeteer.
Cancer: Your sense of adventure will lead you to a rat orgy.
Leo: You cannot change the past but you can make a bunt cake. One out
two ain’t bad.
Virgo: You will continue to view Huns as members of a nomadic
tribe who invaded Europe in the fourth and fifth centuries A.D.
Libra: Your love of human flavored jello gets you arrested.
Scorpio: You continue to wish Boll Cosby was back on the air. Why?
Sagittarius: You will note the jello and Cosby connection.
Capricorn: You will read this horoscope and think, “Wow, it’s like
sometimes they’re not even trying.”
Aquarius: Your daily regime of video games and internet porn continues.
Pisces: You will see something today that your rival has missed. Hah, only
you would refer to the plumber as your “rival.”
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise's Wedding Planner
Tommy Cruiser hasn’t backed
out of his wedding yet. That’s something!
The glib alien-lover is also
writing a secret “wedding journal” that includes his thoughts on his
wedding night, or “Mission Impossible III” as he’s calling it.
Let’s spend the next few days pouring over it. Shall we?
My Alien Wedding Planner by Tommy Cruiser:
Did a little shopping for the “big day.” Sigh. Kind of depressing.
Starting to regret my Oprah antics. I shouldn’t have snorted all that
Prozac; it always makes me act goofy. Oh well, wedding bell hell it is. Had to
meet the caterer about chairs. It’s important that they are comfy womfy.
Katie called (groan). She does that a lot these days. She was all in a tizzy.
Says she no longer wants to have a chaperone with her all the time. I calmly
explained to the little ninny that the reason I demanded that she have a
Scientologist chaperone with her all the time is because I said so. She still
didn’t follow my flawless logic and I hung up. When she called back weeping
(again with the weeping!) I tried to appease the little twerp and used some
revolting baby talk. It seemed to work. I then informed her that we were done
talking. She said. “I wuv you.” I said, “Yeah, yeah.” She said, “You
hang up first.” I said, “Okay.”
So I did.
Drug Testing
INT. ROOM -- DAY
Mr. Hotz and Doctor.
DOCTOR: Right Mr. Hotz, if you
could just have a seat this won't take very long.
HOTZ: Alright!
Let's get started.
DOCTOR: Very well. First I just
need to ask you a few questions.
HOTZ: Fire away, I aim to please.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
You know it's nice to hear such enthusiasm.
A lot of people are resentful and uncooperative about all of this.
Drug testing is not a popular concept.
HOTZ: Well you just fire up the
pipe and let's get on with it.
DOCTOR: Fire up the pipe?
HOTZ: Unless of course we're
snorting, in which case...line up, line up.
DOCTOR: You're joking of course. Very funny, now please give me your arm.
HOTZ: I should tell you it's been a
while since I shot up so I may need your help.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz, I'm having a hard
time believing that you don't know what is really going on here.
Drug testing is, well, we take blood and urine samples in order to
determine if you have been taking drugs.
HOTZ: Get out of town.
DOCTOR: I'm quite serious Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: You're funny, I like you.
DOCTOR: It's not an uncommon
practice.
HOTZ: No samples, nothing?
DOCTOR: Of course not.
This is a test.
HOTZ: Well okay.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure I'll pass.
I take lots of drugs.
DOCTOR: You do?
HOTZ: Hell yes, probably more then
anyone else here. So what's the
point of this test? Do I win
something?
DOCTOR: No...if you test positive
you could lose your job.
HOTZ: Is positive yes I take drugs?
DOCTOR: Yes.
HOTZ: Then I'm going to flunk?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
HOTZ: Well shit, they should have
called it an anti-drug test. I've
been cramming all week.
DOCTOR: Surely you read the memo.
HOTZ: Yeah, but I was stoned that
day. Look Doc, hypothetically
speaking how long would it take for about three grams of hash, a couple of
hits of acid, some valium and a half gram of coke to get out of my, I mean, someone's
blood.
DOCTOR: Well that would depend on
body weight, diet...
HOTZ: Would three hours sleep and a
black coffee do the trick?
DOCTOR: Any trace is too much.
HOTZ: Well that hardly seems fair. I mean, give a guy a sporting chance. At least with a breathalyser there's a margin for normal
social activity.
DOCTOR: Drug use is not considered
normal social activity.
HOTZ: What a complete rip...
DOCTOR: A chemically dependent
employee is a liability.
HOTZ: But fun at parties...
DOCTOR: Let's get on with it, shall
we? Your arm...
HOTZ: What if I refuse?
DOCTOR: That's your right, your
employer will be notified however.
HOTZ: Oh man, I am so screwed.
DOCTOR: Mr. Hotz if you are using
drugs as much as you boast you must be aware of the risks.
However, if you are sincere about change we can help.
We don't want to destroy your life, we want to help you function at
your peak. There are options.
HOTZ: Like what?
DOCTOR: Treatment, therapy, rehab. You have to quit sometime Mr. Hotz.
HOTZ: Alright, alright, I'll try. It's not going to be easy...I'll need help.
DOCTOR: No problem Mr. Hotz, we are
here t help and you'd be amazed at what we can prescribe...methadone, valium,
lithium...
HOTZ: What about prozac?
I hear that stuff kicks.
DOCTOR:
Anything
you need Mr. Hotz... Anything you need.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i'm
full of christian love
shrubs like to kill people
salamander fire tattoo
mcmakeover
bush hates muppet elmo
nicole richie is shrinking
lions humping
picture of a fat keith tkachuk
hairy balls in kilt
iron maiden dickinson groupie
Only 88 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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