"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
September 29
Lampshade
 
Early
evening at the McPhail household. Richard is wearing a lampshade.
Richard:
Hey everybody look at me, I'm a big drunken jerk with a lampshade on my
head...look at me...me...don't you feel sorry for my wife? Ha ha ha ha... I've
had way too much to drink… Ha ha.
Richard's
wife Ellen enters.
Ellen:
Almost ready Richard?
Richard:
Just practicing for tonight. Do you think I should bring this with me
or will Bill and Gloria have one that fits?
Ellen:
Leave it here...
Richard:
Better not...could be track lighting...
Meanwhile across town at the Farrell’s
house, Margaret and Larry prepare to go out. Larry is also wearing a
lampshade.
Larry:
One hundred bottles of beer on the wall… Everybody!
Ha ha ha! There once was a
woman named Sue, who teased 'til Frank's balls were bright blue. He pleaded
and pleaded, she finally succeeded and... Margaret can you help me with this
limerick; I want to try out some new material tonight.
Margaret:
And finally succeeded and then they were a bright pinkish hue.
Larry:
Maybe...let's get going, we're gonna be late...
Later
that night at a party in the suburbs…
Richard:
Sorry Edna my hand slipped... Ha ha ha… Look at me, look at me!
Larry:
So I said I'm sorry Boss but I didn't know she was your daughter, until
she tried to charge me for it... Hey everyone, look at me!
Richard:
Look at me… I've got a lampshade on my head...
Larry:
You what?
Richard:
Oh my God…
Larry:
How embarrassing....I can't believe this. I feel so silly. At the same
party wearing the same lampshade…
Richard:
How mortifying...do you think anyone has noticed?
Larry:
I don't see how they couldn't have...it suits you by the way.
Richard:
Thanks...you too....God, no wonder people were staring
Larry:
What are the odds huh? I mean you hear about these things happening but
you never dream it could happen to you...
Richard:
Well obviously there is nothing to do but have one of us loose the
shade.
Larry:
That's nice of you, I appreciate that...
Richard:
I didn't mean me...I meant you...
Larry:
I can't take my lampshade off… It's a part of me… Besides I'm a big
drunk monkey with a lampshade on my head.
Richard:
Listen pal… This party isn't big enough for the both of us. So either
you take off that ridiculous lampshade or you get a punch in the nose.
Larry:
Look friend I'm the one who gets violent at parties... It's my thing.
So why don't you do us both a favour and take it off. You stink at this... You
have no grace, no subtlety.
Richard:
How dare you...stink do I? Well I will have you know that people invite
me to their parties just for the honour of throwing me out. I have been doing
this since before you were born. I am an artist, a craftsman....
Larry:
Look if you need attention that bad why don't you just fart at the
dinner table or something.... Leave the toilet seat up… Kick the dog.
Richard:
I will not... I'm not some third class obnoxious drunk...I'm a first
class obnoxious drunk and I have the awards to prove it.
Larry:
Look at me...I'm a soused out fool with a lampshade on my head.
Richard:
Look at me – not him! He’s
just a cheap imitation...a fraud. I'm the real idiot here.
Larry:
God I hope I don't look like you… You're pathetic.
Richard:
Me… You're the pathetic one.
Larry:
You're right… I am… I'm nothing but a washed up loser... I wish I
were dead.
Richard:
You bastard… Don't you dare get maudlin… That's my best bit.
Larry:
Yours.... Agghh! Look we can't go on like this... One of us has to
leave.
Richard:
You're right… And I'm sorry if I insulted you. You're actually pretty
good.
Larry:
Thanks...you too. Real good.
Richard:
You know it's just occurred to me that this is the longest conversation
I've ever had at a social event.
Larry:
Me too come to think of it.
Richard:
I never actually talk to people, I usually just rant. Kind of makes you
think...
Larry:
It really does...
Richard:
Makes me think I hate it!
Larry:
Me too.
Richard:
Look at me... I'm a blithering idiot with a lampshade on my head.
Larry:
I'm a big fat drunk with a lampshade on my head…
fade
to black
September 26
Runaway Parents
Jonathan
Wilson's entire story can be read in his eyes. They have the haunted
desperation one usually associates with substitute high school teachers. "I
just wish...they'd come home" he whispers between sips of milk. "The
streets are dangerous, they shouldn't be out there. I don't know where they'll
be sleeping tonight".
Wilson
tries desperately to hold back the tears but within moments he is blubbering
uncontrollably and on the verge of hyperventilation. "I want my mom, I
want my dad".
Wilson
's parents are gone,
runaway grown ups who have left their children at home and hit the city
streets in shame. "Dad lost his job and yeah, I was mad but I didn't want
him to leave."
Sadly Jonathan is not alone. According to leading psychologists the Wilson
parents are typical of a new age of care givers who, when faced with financial
and emotional crisis at home can no longer face their children and take to the
streets. "In the good old days parents stayed and kept a stiff upper lip
no matter how crappy things became but times have changed" says
psychologist Dr. Cecil Jungster. "Now when parents discover they can't
support their children they feel guilt and shame. So they run away from home,
in shame… with guilt".
It is
estimated there are hundreds of once affluent parents living desperate lives
on the streets and doing whatever it takes to stay alive. "They're cold
and hungry" continues Jungster "and have quickly learned the cruel
laws of the streets. They've
joined up with other runaway parents and formed gangs. They'll do whatever it
takes to survive including self degrading internet stunts. They simply don't
have the self respect to come home."
For
Jonathan this Winfry-esque psycho-babble is of no comfort. He doesn't care
that his parents have lost their jobs, he doesn't care that they can no longer
afford the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed. Jonathan is living day
to day "I can't reach the top shelf," he says "and that's where
we keep the peanut butter".
The brave lad hasn't given up though and is confident his parents will return.
"If not for me then for the sake of the baby. I'm seven so I should be
okay but she's 8 months and needs real parents. They just have to know that
I'm not mad...just worried."
"I
don't condone it but I understand it" states Joyce McFride, a single
parole officer who has seen dozens of similar cases in the past year.
"How do you explain to your kids that you have no job, a deteriorating
stock portfolio and limited collateral? How do you explain that the maid won't
be picking up after them anymore?"
Meanwhile,
Jonathan sits by the telephone in anticipation and occasionally tries to mow
the lawn. When he holds up a crude, stick people poster of his parents his
eyes swell with tears. "This is them, if you see them tell them that all
is forgiven."
Police are all too familiar with the scenario. "Sure we see them",
said one officer who himself ran away from home a year ago, "We see them
at Kinko's getting their resumes updated, staring in the windows at fancy
restaurants. Sometimes they steal ties or argyle socks but mostly they hang
around street corners with their brief cases trying to bum smokes or stock
market tips."
What can be done? One street person I spoke with told me of his longing to see
his children again but his fear that without a 70K plus position he could
never be the father he was supposed to be. "All I could spend would be
time, and what consolation is that for a boy?" he asks while flipping
open the business page, leaning back and pulling it tight over his shoulders;
settling down for a night's sleep on the street.
September 23
Things To Be Done
Continue to not get a tattoo
Hunt
Down Santa Claus
Write
world’s worst book
Join
snooty circus… My act: Golf Club Swallower
Rid
the world of children
Laugh
till I vomit
Reinvent
the salt grinder
Start an “All Sheep Hockey
League”
Try to incorporate words, “organ meat”
into everyday conversations
Convince a businessman to wear
go-go boots
Watch myself grow
Capture a feral pixie
and mercilessly tease it
Get a life – or at the very least
someone else’s via identity theft
Something involving peaches, baking soda and organ meat
Ask a weight lifter if it’s true they
all have small penises
Learn to read minds
Learn to read lips
Learn to read
Fantasize about what life would be like if I had a
third nipple
Wonder if there was ever a
“Lawrence of Albania”
Dance for nasty, gun toting,
old fashioned, movie cowboys
Wait for the toga to make a comeback
Evacuate bowels in public toilet
Form a Think Tank that only thinks about tanks
Continue
to stick non-toxic things in my pants
Tell poignant story about organ meat
September 22
The End
Of The Newspaper Boy
Young Billy enters the office of a newspaper bigwig.
Boss:
Glad you could make it Billy, please have a seat and don't touch anything.
Kid:
Thanks Mr. McFenderbender... Neat office.
Boss:
Please Billy, call me sir.
Kid:
Yes sir.
Boss:
Billy how long have you been delivering the paper for us?
Kid:
Gosh, almost two years now, sir.
Boss:
Two years... Wow... And you've done a heck of a job Billy. Smoke?
Kid:
No thank you.
Boss:
Scotch?
Kid:
No thank you.
Boss:
Hmmm, first newspaper man I've ever met who didn't drink. Anyway... Billy I've
had my eye on you for some time… You're a good kid.
Kid:
Thank you sir.
Boss:
Please... Call me Jack
Kid:
Thank you Jack.
Boss:
Sir Jack.
Kid:
Right.
Boss:
Two years is a long time Billy, you feeling a little burned out?
Kid:
Not at all Sir Jack.
Boss: Please... Call me Ishmael.
Kid:
Huh?
Boss: It's
a joke Billy… You see, you are burned out. Maybe you need some time off
huh.... A chance to re-evaluate your career.
I mean what are you? Seven?
Kid:
I'm Eleven…ish Sir.
.
Boss:
Eleven… Eleven years old and you're still sluggin’ the paper door to
door...
Kid: I
enjoy it.
Boss:
I'm sure you think you do but...you're eleven now. Maybe it's time to think of
your future. I mean do you still want to be delivering papers when you're
thirteen... It doesn't look good on a resume.
Kid:
It doesn't sir.
Boss:
Please, call me Boss.
Kid:
Boss.
Boss:
I'd hate to see a bright kid like you end up trapped under a nylon sack for
the rest of your life... I think you should consider early retirement.
Kid:
Retirement?
Boss: Sure...
Spend some time with the family, travel, relax, go through puberty… You
deserve a rest.
Kid:
But my job…
Boss:
Billy I don't want to see you have a nervous breakdown in your eleventh year,
and let's face it, the physical demands of your route are pretty grueling and
you're not getting any younger.
Kid:
But I'm in my prime, I just bought a ten speed. I've got payments to make.
Boss:
Billy, how can I put this... This newspaper and you are moving in different
directions... Sure once upon a time people associated paper delivery with a
fresh faced kid but those were the days of the milkman, of doctors who made
house calls.
Kid:
Huh?
Boss:
Exactly, Anyway the newspaper would like to thank you for your years of
dedicated service and as a token would like to present you with this Mickey
Mouse watch… Just our little way of saying hit the bricks.
Kid:
Ohhh...
Boss:
Don't cry Billy this is a meeting.... blow. Wipe. Jesus Billy face it, you're
obsolete... This isn't the end of your world, just your childhood. I'm going
to be honest with you Billy... There's a big monster under my desk.
Kid:
Aghhhhh!
Boss:
Joke Billy....You are so naive. How can people be expected to believe the bad
news when it's delivered by such a fresh faced optimist. We need people who
hate their station in life… We need men. Billy,
we need speed, accuracy, we need people who drive cars… Men, Billy, and
you're not a man… You're a child in men's clothing...I'm sorry.
Kid:
I'll get a car, I'll steal my parents’.
Boss:
That's cute Billy... That's the type of reckless endangerment that put me
where I am today but I'm afraid not… You're fired, get out.
Kid:
This is unfair
Boss:
Of course it is… It's business… I've done you a big favour here today
Billy, I've taught you an important life lesson.
Kid:
What's that?
Boss:
You don't know.
Kid:
No.
Boss:
Shit... Well I'm not going to tell you. You have to figure it out for
yourself... Good bye Billy and good luck...
Kid:
Okay, Mr. McFenderbender.
Boss:
Billy call me… On second thought, don't call me, I'll call you.
September 20
Part-time
Priests
A
growing disinterest and lack of trust in organized religion has been cited as
the primary motivation behind the Roman Catholic Church's sudden announcement
that it will lay off 10% of all priests while reducing another 25% to
part-time status. "We're just not bringing in the houses" explains
Cardinal Izzy (crazy legs) Cleaver. "It all comes down to bums in seats.
If we can't fill the pews we can't pay the bills. Saving a soul has its own
rewards but you can't take it to the bank".
Cardinal Izzy claims that this move was a last ditch effort to economize.
"We regret the layoffs, however we feel that when combined with the move
to part-time employees this will increase the efficiency of modern religion
while also lowering overhead and payroll".
The
part-time priests will be free to pursue secular interests such as lusting
after false idols, in the hours in which they are not actively preaching or
performing other priestly duties. Does this mean that part-time priests will
be able to marry? "No" says Izzy, "however we are considering
allowing them to shack up. At the very least they will be able to date and
experiment with heavy petting".
The
disclosure of layoffs has renewed speculation that the Catholic and Protestant
Churches may be moving toward merger in order to better secure their `soul'
market share. The new church (Cathostants or Protelics depending on who you
speak to) has been denied by all Church officials however high ranking
Protestants have apparently been seen in Vatican City playing ice hockey with
the Pope.
The
Priesthood has not taken the news well. Many priests feel betrayed and are
convinced that the layoffs are a smokescreen used to get rid of clergy who
hold conflicting views with Rome. One Priest, who wishes to remain anonymous,
confessed that the time has come for action and admits that he and others like
him, have already contacted the teamsters and are considering forming a union.
"Then we walk" he says seriously, "Immediate strike action.
Picket lines, pithy slogans, chanting, violence... All the stuff you usually
associate with the church".
"It
certainly gives new meaning to the term `Hell no, we won't go!" joked
satirical columnist Rabbi Bernstein in last Monday’s edition of News for the
Jews. "The Big G has used locusts and plagues in the past, what will it
be this time, scabs?" When asked whether the church would consider using
scab priests if a strike should occur Cardinal Cleaver is quick to take a fire
and brimstone stance. "God's will shall be served and if I have to hire a
pizza delivery boy to do it, so be it".
As pressures mount all that can be done is sit back and wait, but for many the
damage is already done. "I'm pissed off and quite frankly the Seventh Day
Adventists look really sensible to me right now" said one unhappy church
goer. "God is a right not a privilege and I want my God".
God herself was unavailable for comment.
September 19
What
I did on my Summer Vacation
By
Peter Remstead (Age 43)
I had two weeks off. That was good. On the first day I sat. I sat a lot. My
wife asked me if that was all I was going to do for two weeks… I didn’t
have an answer. Later, I finally
got up to go to bed. I thought
about how tomorrow I would have only thirteen days left in my summer vacation.
I lay down. I wept like a god damned baby. On the second day I woke up
early… Very early… 6am. I woke up early even though I was allowed to sleep
in. I thought it was funny. Funny that my life seemed to be programmed to a
timetable that I despised. It was funny but I did not laugh. I
had a shower and I went for a walk. I
walked past my office and wondered if someone was sitting in my desk.
On the third day it rained. I
turned on the TV. There was nothing on the TV. I watched it anyway. On
the fourth day I thought about how I had only 10 days left on my summer
vacation. I felt dread. On the fifth day I struck one of my children for no
apparent reason and then took them to a fast food restaurant. I had a burger
with fries and when I flirted with the girl behind the counter she laughed
mockingly at me. On the sixth day
I went for a walk. I got lost. I took a cab home… It cost me 20 dollars.
On the seventh day I visited the office.
My boss asked me what I was doing there.
I had no answer. My boss
told me that I looked ill and that I needed a vacation.
On the eight and ninth days I sat in my basement drinking scotch and
making a spice-rack out of old trophies I had won in high school.
On the tenth day I refused to shave, at lunch I changed my mind.
On the eleventh and twelfth days I stayed in bed with the covers pulled
over my head. On the thirteenth
day I made love to my wife, but I would have done that anyway as it was the
second Saturday of the month. On the fourteenth day I took photos so I would
remember my vacation and the next day I returned to work. Thank you.
Art Attacks
Even
though they were hopelessly lost, Roger refused to
listen
to Mimi’s pleas to ask someone for directions….
Once again, Tony was
terribly underdressed for
the office photo.
When Stephanie had to
pee, she REALLY had to pee…
It
was when Ted and Debbie from next door showed up
to
welcome them to the neighborhood with a fruit basket
and
an
offer of “Parcheesi, cocktails, and a goat
sex
orgy” that the Smiths knew they’d be moving out of
the
suburbs ASAP.
Though she appeared calm and always in control,
Doris
secretly worried that eventually someone
would discover there was a midget living in her dress.
Betsy
was
terribly disappointed. The annual bake sale was over
and no one had bought her Meat Pie Head.
“Next
year I’ll go easier on the beard,” she thought.
Oh,
there was trouble in paradise alright. Adam
was tired of listening to Eve’s demands to put down the toilet seat and Eve
was getting fed up with Adam’s subtle hints for more
oral sex.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canada's
rants
canadian rant words
How to make a pope costume
horny cows
meaning of avery
new folsom prison
barbara
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panties
freddie the freshman
hedda hopper destroyed careers of
how much was four pence worth in the 14th century
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 88 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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