Avery For Pope – He’s Pope-A-Licious
My goal is to be the best damned Pope there ever was. I want to bring the “fun,” “mental,” and “dog” back to fundamentalist dogma. I want everyone to see that there’s more to Catholicism than firing a heretic out of a canonization. I want to make Vaticant City the biggest non-stop 24/7 party scene on God’s glorious and most excellent earth. I want to convert the heathens and pagans – or at least dance naked with them. I want to spread God’s word like I spread Hellmann’s Mayonnaise
on Wonder Bread. I want to wear the hat and funky robes. And much like the lyrics from that old Cheap Trick song, “I want you to want me.”
Oh, and I’m also currently unemployed and could use the work.
STILL NOT CONVINCED?
WATCH MY 60 SECOND POPE PITCH VIDEO
YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS: I’VE GOT ALL THE ANSWERS
Why Avery for Pope? Why the hell not? I can speak Pig Latin, I’ll kick antichrist ass, I already own a Pope Costume, I’m a total stud, I’m fun-loving and quirky, and I really think the Lord would be cool with it. And let’s be honest, I'm better than
Satan.... Or am I?
Where does Avery Stand on Pope Issues? Abortion. Gay Marriage. Priests Marrying. Divorce. Married Priests getting Divorced. Darwinism verses Creationism. Drinking straight from the milk carton. Scratching your balls in public. These are thorny issues: A crown of thorny issues that quite frankly make me nervous. I’m kind of a “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em” type of guy, and I’d carry that philosophy to work everyday. But for the record – I’m really big on doling out the absolution, which means you can go nuts. Just don’t forget to apologize.
Does Avery have Big Plans for Vaticant City? Duh! Only the BIGGEST. It’s time to open up Vaticant City to the masses in a fun way so that everybody – from Jew to Muslim to Mooney – can enjoy it. I’m talking theme park! I’m talking Vaticant World. And I can guarantee it’ll be way more freaking fun than Hell or Disneyland. Enjoy the Poper Coaster; it’s almost as thrilling as the Second Coming. Have a Pope Snow Cone and don’t forget to purchase your Avery Ant Pope Plush. And if all of this makes you nervous, then avert your eyes and enjoy a secular smoothie at our Nondenominational Cheese Hut and Food Emporium.
So what do I need to do? Place your misguided faith in me and sign the petition below. (Let’s keep God out of this for now, okay?) The more votes I get, the bigger a petition I can take to Vaticant City. You know how it goes: First you get the petition. Then you get the Pope Job. And then you get the women! So vote Avery for Pope. Vote now and do it often.
.. RULES & REGULATIONS..
How To Be The Next Big Pope Star
Now, as every Pope wannabe knows, the rules governing the election of the next big Pope-Star are determined by the Apostolic Constitution, aka The Pope Elector Dudes. After the current Pope-Star kicks the heavenly bucket, the next Pope (hopefully me!) will be chosen by those wacky fun-loving Cardinals. “Confirming therefore the norm of the current Code of “Fire Me Out of a Canonization Law,” (fmooacl. Canon 349) “which reflects the Pope-A-Matic practice of the Church.” (Watch the dice in the plastic bubble, it Popes you in and out of trouble!)
However, the Cardinals of the Church who are 80 years of age or older (which is pretty much all of ‘em!) cannot vote for the next Pope: So the voting is done by Catholic flunkies, lackeys, and sacred groupies. They’re good papal and if they’re smart, they’ll vote for me – Avery Ant, The Pope who’s dope and is ready to start his New Crusades!
Strict secrecy governs the Cardinals concerning the election of the next Pope: "I further confirm, by my wacky apostolic authority, the duty of keeping my religious yap shut and not spilling the proverbial beans about any of our neato secret stuff with regard to everything that directly or indirectly concerns the election process itself.” (fubar. Canon 666) The election can only occur by a secret ballot: Oh, and don’t trust those exit polls – they’re just misleading Pope poop and papal propaganda.
The Cardinal Rule: The election process should begin more than 15 full days and no later than 20 days after the Pope gives up the Holy Ghost. That’s when the knives come out and every John, Paul, and Lucius starts sucking up for job as the top dog (God spelt backwards).
In order to maintain secrecy, the Cardinals are allowed to dress up as their favorite superheroes as long as said superheroes possess a secret identity and have at least 3 superhero superpower traits. "It is specifically prohibited to the Cardinal electors, for the entire duration of the election, to receive newspapers or periodicals of any sort, to listen to the radio, to dance to any type of rock n’ roll ( aka the devil’s music) or to watch television or Internet porn."
The number of votes required for the election of the Pope is often misunderstood, frequently mocked, usually ignored and never taken seriously. A two-thirds majority is sufficient to elect the next big Pope-Star. If the Cardinals are unable to elect a Pope by a two-thirds majority, then, like everything else involving organized religion, the rules change and get more than a little silly. The Cardinals usually decide by having the main contenders battle it out in a caged ring. Sometimes they will get them to dance
like monkeys, and if all else fails there’s the swimsuit competition.
When is the Pope elected? "Truth be told, how it usually works is that us Cardinal Guys get together, have a few beers and put every candidate’s name in a hat. Whoever’s the most drunk after 3 hours, picks a name out, and that’s who we go with. It’s a sinfully delightful night. Lots of laughs. ” (The Confessions of Cardinal Izzy “Crazy Pious Legs” O’Leary)
The “man” who is elected Pope-Star does not become Pope-Star until three conditions are satisfied. (1) He is shot out of a canonization and survives. (2) He eats a bug as a dare. (Editor/Avery’s note: I better win or I could end up as the dare). (3) He performs some kind of miracle using a swizzle stick and cocktail napkin.
Women can never validly have the role of Roman Pontiff because they are far too busy having babies in the hope that one of their male offspring might be a future Pope-Star. “After his acceptance, the new Pope-Star usually throws a major bash with tons of sexy college coeds. There’s a lot of wine, a little sacrifice, plenty of virgins, and oodles of hazing. The new Pope-Star acquires and can exercise full and supreme power over the universal Church. And he can abuse that power for all it’s worth. A good role model – Caligula. Go nuts Pope-Star! Just have fun!”
Vote Avery Ant for Pope: Because he's better than Satan.
Or is he?