Who is this Guy? - Avery Ant

Avery, on his Political Ambitions:

"I'd make a perfect leader…but I'm not perfect and never said I was. And if I did - I deny it. And if I do deny it, I have a good reason - I'm alleging I didn't say it."

 

 


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Avery's Charities

Avery's Comedy Foundation

The Avery Ant Food Bank - History & Overview
1994: Hollywood film star Avery Ant's highly publicized bad behavior and wild living finally catches up with him when he is thrown off the set of The Ant Man Cometh. Penniless, homeless and his reputation in shreds, he finds shelter and food at The Main Street Mission. Avery befriends its founder, Father Fred Beetle, and helps the good minister create The Main Street Food Bank.

1994: After a nasty power struggle with Avery, Beetle is fired and left penniless and homeless. He then disappears. His body is never found. Avery Ant appoints himself first executive director and CEO.

1994: The name is changed to The Avery Ant Food Bank (AFB) and the organization is legally incorporated. Avery is photographed with Princess Diana, Mother Teresa, and Charo.

1995: The FBI investigates allegations that Avery has been stealing food and laundering charity money. Avery flies to Europe. Rumors abound that he undergoes a sex change operation. Avery eventually reappears in Venice where it is said he is dating Brigitte Bardot. Avery denies all accusations and vows to clear his name.

1996: I Dream of Jeannie's Barbara Eden is hired as second director.

1996: Ms. Eden is fired and replaced by Connie Chung, who is subsequently replaced by the girls from The Lunachicks, who are then let go and replaced by Tori Spelling, who is hastily replaced by an automated phone system.

1998: Eat Me, a perishable foods transfer program, sues Avery Food Bank, claiming that the organization has been using scare tactics and "acts of thuggish aggression" in order to muscle in on their charity's territory. A violent turf war ensues…

1999: Avery Ant hires Tony "The Neck" Scopani, Bobby "The Knife" Lingoni, and Joey "The Slice" Patoni to his marketing team. Recruitment of Fire Ant Workers Union 101 gives Avery's Food Bank "a much needed shot of muscle." (Avery Ant, LA Times, Nov. 18, 1999)

2001: Accusations of money laundering and food theft continue. Critics call the program "revolting" "demeaning," and "incredibly unsanitary," often all in the same sentence. Others insist he is a visionary, one who sees a need and thinks outside of the box to fix what's broken. Avery begins dating Lucy Liu.

2002: The Board of Directors votes to remove Avery. Accusations of insider trading run rampant. Avery fights back and undertakes a new Strategic Plan. The Board is subsequently arrested in a sting on a heroin operation. Avery regains control.

2004: The Avery Food Bank holds a 10th anniversary gala celebration. The menu includes Turtle Soup, Sumatran Tiger, and Visayan Warty Pig served on Elephant Tusk Skewers. Avery gets into an altercation with the press and slugs out several photographers. He announces he will guest host Saturday Night Live.

2004: The Avery Food Bank logo is updated and the public backlash is enormous. Images of "Saint Avery" draw ire from press, public, and church. Avery issues a press release blaming the hired PR Firm Babble On Communications. Avery is frequently seen in the company of Call Girl Barbie who recently split up with long time boyfriend Ken.

2004: Johnny Depp is likely to play the role of Avery in the TV Movie (in development) Avery Ant: A Modern Day Every Ant - An Everyday Modern Ant. Avery is offered the part of Father Beetle.

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Avery's Foundation For The Tragically Unfunny
The mission of Avery's Ant Farm is focused on a singular goal - to help deluded, would-be comedians come to terms with their comic ineptitude and basic lameness. Central to the Foundation's core principles is the ability to help convince comedically challenged jokesters that it's time to stop: stop performing at open mic nights; stop telling fart jokes at dinner parties; stop the unfunny madness, get back to their jobs in Accounts Receivable and leave comedy to the professionals.

The Foundation fulfills this mission in a variety of ways, and is designed to benefit everyone who has ever found himself or herself trapped in the corner at a social event and is forced to listen to the stale punch lines of a joke-spewing meathead. The program concept is simple. Talentless bores, aka "guests," enjoy a six-week stay at Avery's Resort in the Appalachian Mountains. They are denied sleep, food, and water while the Program's Comedy Gestapo reinforces positive messages such as "You are not funny," and "Your material is not comic gold!"

Avery's Ant Farm and Foundation also contains intense "reality rubber rooms" for diehards having trouble facing the truth about their utter lack of comic ability. These rooms are designed so that hacks, punsters, and "knock-knock joke" aficionados are denied bathing privileges in order that they may achieve an understanding of just how much they stink. Each room has hillbilly elevator Musak piped in at ear-piercing levels in order to drown out their screams as they undergo a series of experimental drug tests that may or may not help them focus on their problems. And best of all, these loud-mouthed schnooks are kept away from the rest of a grateful world.

Avery's Ant Farm scoffs at the gentle and holistic approach used by such recovery programs as Comedians Anonymous, believing that the harsh truth and hourly doses of cod liver oil are the best medicine for these misguided joke slingers. Mr. Ant personally feels that while the general public believes his concept of simply castrating them is extreme and inhumane, he also notes that it happens to bulls everyday.

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