Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In Canada

June 9/2004

I'm going to admit to being a little "antsy" about the upcoming debate. It's critical that I make the right impression, while also appealing to women 18 - 35. (I really can't stress the importance of that!) One of the main things you want to do is open strong and let the audience know who you really are and what you really stand for. I'm pretty sure I know how my worthless opponents will introduce themselves…

Hair Steve

Hi Canada. And God bless you and everyone in it who's just like me. Otherwise known as the right kind of Canadian. As for the rest of you gays and pedophiles, (I can't tell you apart) not to mention the women, pro-choicers, immigrants, and other unwashed fringers, well, you can all go to hell. Wait, let me rephrase that - you will all go to hell! As you know, I'm the young, unhip, and frightening one. I'm liable to act without consideration and if I could just get my finger on a nuclear button, I'd more than likely press it. But until then I'll settle for the death penalty. I'm potentially explosive and yet carry it all in a bland and unassuming manner; this should make for great comedic shenanigans and riotous right wing decisions once I make it to Sussex Drive. Oh, and even though something deep in the back of my brain sometimes tries to tell me I might be gay, I squash that thought like I would you - whoops, I mean a bug. Not that there's much difference. Ha!

The Great Martini

Hello, Canada. Sorry. I'm really, really, really, sorry. It's all my fault, I'll shoulder the blame, the buck stops here, someone had to accept responsibility, and, my bad luck, it was me… Sorry. I'm sorry, very sorry, so sorry about, well, you know, all that stuff. But that's the past, and I'm sorry for it. I'm a very sorry man. But believe it or not, I'm the stable guy. Although I have been known to occasionally lose control of my party and my lower extremities. And even though it seems like I can't catch a break, let's never forget, I'm independently wealthy… Yup, I'm loaded beyond your puny dreams. Sorry about that… (A heavy sigh.)

Jack "Sound Blight" Layton

Hi Canada! Hey, who wants to have it all! Well you're in luck, because I can do that for you - plus a BRAND NEW CAR. I'm Jack "Of Bleeding Hearts" Layton, I'm the one who shoots from the lip and has a cutting cynical edge. I'm sanctimonious, and not to boast, but I'm hung like a braying jackass. I'm also arrogant enough to promise you the world and naïve enough to expect you to drool over the prospects. I think it's a winning combination - and so do you! I have a veritable potpourri of gimmicks, including, uh, a… time machine! Yes, sure, why not, if that'll get your vote…

Raving Gilles Duceppe

Screw you Canada! What do I care about you? Unless you're part of Quebec, you can kiss my blustering French fanny. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, Hi Avery! You are looking very handsome, Ant Buddy. Hey, come over here and give Gilles a kiss

June 8/2004
June 7/2004
June 6/2004
June 5/2004
June 4/2004
June 3/2004
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The Campaign In Canada

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