Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

Aug 2 / 2004

President George Bush’s campaign plans to dedicate the month of August for a vigorous drive to undercut John Kerry by turning attention away from his record in Vietnam to what the campaign described as an undistinguished and left-leaning record in the Senate.

Mr. Bush's assorted cronies, spin-doctors, and mudslingers plan to deride Mr. Kerry as an object of humor and calculated derision.

The summer smear campaign plans should be “Lots of fun, and should provide American voters with plenty of laughs at Mr. Kerry’s expense,” snickered Karl Rove, Mr. Bush's senior political adviser. “We’ve been researching the editorial cartoons and now have a pretty good idea of how this thing called humor works. We’ll be making lots of Frankenstein comparisons, joshing about his monotone speaking tone, letting fly with the bon mots about how he looks like a Frenchman, cracking hysteric about his ball-busting wife, oh, and we’ve ordered a caseload of banana peels. Expect things to get wacky.”

Entering a four-week run-up to the unusually late Republican convention, Mr. Bush's aides said they had laid out a week-by-week “Kerry Comedy Plan.”

“We’ll call him and ask him if his fridge is running; leave flaming bags of dog pooh outside his front door; you know, the usual stuff,” Mr. Rove continued, “But we also have some slick and innovative marketing ideas, which include producing a ‘John Kerry Whoopee Cushion.’ Our research has proven that many people find flatulence and flatulent related issues to be a great cause of mirth. We’ll win over those fart loving undecided voters yet.”

The Campaign In the USA

The Campaign In Canada