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Campaign Journal Ladies' Home Journal recently caught up with the 2004 presidential billionaire hopeful, John Kerry and his even richer wife. Here, in a condensed version are some of the banalities they shared. Supportive Partners I have been waiting for 6 hours in a suite in the St. Regis Hotel for Senator John Kerry and Mrs. Teresa Heinz Kerry to arrive. Finally, they saunter in. Mrs. Heinz Kerry, 65, wore a wide-brimmed straw hat and smoked from a corncob pipe. Senator Kerry had a comb in each hand. Diane Salvatore for Ladies' Home Journal: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, can you give us three words to describe what kind of mother you are? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Maids. Nannies. Wet-Nurses. Salvatore: Senator, three words to describe the type of father you are? Senator Kerry: Eco-friendly. Purple-Hearted. War-Hero. Salvatore: Same exercise, Mrs. Heinz Kerry -- three words to describe yourself as a wife? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: This is banal. Salvatore: Senator, three words to describe yourself as a husband? Senator Kerry: Enough is enough. Salvatore: (mutters the word “bastards” to herself) Okay then, Mrs. Heinz Kerry, you are widowed, and senator, you are divorced, so you are both in a second marriage, which presents special challenges. To what do you attribute the obvious success of your happy second marriage? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Who says we’re happy? Senator Kerry: You tell ‘em Teresa. Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Hey, don’t tell me what to say. You’re not the boss of me! What He's Like Salvatore: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, what characteristics do you see in the private John Kerry that the public hasn't seen yet? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: He's even more boring in person. He’s mildly adequate at best as a lover and he wears a toupee. That’s about it for excitement with this guy. Senator Kerry: Hey, I’m sitting right here! Mrs. Heinz Kerry: (to Ms. Salvatore) Did you hear something? Salvatore: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, there is so much debate about who the First Lady should be, and in fact there are studies about the archetypes and who fits them and who doesn't. Is it your assessment that Americans are narrow-minded about what the First Lady ought to be? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Yes. Narrow-minded and simple minded. Senator Kerry: Don’t forget about me. Ask me a question! Salvatore: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, are there issues about which you have different opinions from your husband, and if so, do you debate these in the hope of changing his mind? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Is this going to take much longer? The Country's Future Salvatore: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, do you believe there will be a woman president in the next 20 years? And will she be a Democrat or a Republican? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: What? Just because I’m foreign, do you think I’m some kind of gypsy oracle? Senator Kerry: All I know is that you’ll probably see a woman running the country before you will a black man. Salvatore: Your sons and daughters, in a different life script, might have joined the military, might now be serving in Iraq. What sort of soldiers do you think they might have made? And what one piece of advice would you each give them on the eve of shipping out? Senator Kerry: Something simple, like: Kill or be killed. Mrs. Heinz Kerry: And don’t forget to wear sun block. Salvatore: Senator, do you believe that President Bush is a false patriot? Senator Kerry: No, I just think he's an asshole. Views on Marriage -- and More Salvatore: Every major civil rights movement in this country has eventually prevailed. Looking through the prism of history, do you feel that same-sex marriage is inevitable in America as a legal right? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Again with the predictions? Perhaps you’d also like me to read your palm? Senator Kerry: I believe that sodomites have -- [His cell phone rings.] excuse me one second. Salvatore: Mrs. Heinz Kerry, is your opinion about same-sex marriage different from your husband's? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: To be honest, my husband is a hopeless waffler on so many issues that I don’t what his stand is on any of them. He’ll say whatever he has to get elected. I guess I can semi-respect that. Senator Kerry: (into phone) Yeah, and extra cheese. No, wait, no extra cheese. No... Extra cheese! No, no, hang on, no cheese. No, wait, cheese, just not extra cheese. No, actually, maybe I want a tuna sandwich. Let me get back to you on that... (hangs up) Salvatore: Senator, you were saying? Senator Kerry: Umm, right. Yes... No comment. Salvatore: Senator, you have said that you are Catholic, and you are a legislator, but you are not a Catholic legislator. There's been a lot of discussion about the fact that President Bush has been one of the most vocal presidents in terms of his faith. Do you find the President's discussion of his faith as part of his decision-making process inappropriate? Senator Kerry: I think it's up to the American people to judge what's appropriate or inappropriate, but I will say I personally would not choose -- though I'm a person of faith -- to insert it as much as this President does. Unless the American public would like me to, in which case I would, I think... Let me get back to you on that one. Salvatore: What do each of you find the most distressing feature of American life today, and the most noble? Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Botox prices are outrageous, even for me. And it’s impossible to get a good pedicure these days. Senator Kerry: And there aren’t any good situation comedies on television anymore. Salvatore: Senator, you've said that you would create 10 million new jobs over the first four years if you were in the White House. It sounds almost too good to be true. Is it deliverable? Senator Kerry: Off the record –- No way. Salvatore: Okay. Mrs. Heinz Kerry, is there anything else you’d like to add. Mrs. Heinz Kerry: Nothing other than “shove it.”Aug 7 / 2004 |
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