Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

July 31 / 2004

The following are the main campaign promises Senator John Karaoke made in his speech accepting the Democrat presidential nomination Thursday night. In italics are the hand and facial gestures he used while making these promises:

• Cut the deficit in half over four years by ending corporate tax cuts. (Both hands used in chopping motion. Eyes squinted, forehead scrunched.)
• Offer targeted tax breaks for the middle class; roll back tax cuts to folks earning over $200,000 clams a year. (Uses both hands in karate fist punching motion while speaking of tax breaks and then spins hands over each other in rolling motion for tax cuts. All the while wearing a grim smile on his face.)
• Close tax loopholes to companies moving jobs abroad and give breaks to firms keeping jobs at home. (Repeated saluting with right hand. Not entirely sure what he is doing with left hand. Eyes bugging out, sweat dripping off forehead.)
• Pledge not to privatize Social Security or to cut benefits (Both hands tugging on his tie. Eyes bouncing like pinballs. Tongue darting in and out of mouth in lizard-like motion. Facial muscles tense in hopes to suppress laughter at this doozy!)
• Invest in new technology and alternative fuels to lessen U.S. dependence on foreign oil. (Both eyes blinking nervously. Index finger on right hand is jammed firmly up nose, left hand is repeatedly and furiously scratching at scalp)
• Pledge to never lead USA into preemptive war (Uses hands like they were handguns. Rolls tongue provocatively much like a rock star would.)
• Implement recommendations of Sept 11 commission. (Eyes tear up, both hands tear buttons off his shirt to reveal hairy chest. Much pelvic thrusting.)
• Rebuild alliance with other nations (Scratches chin with left hand to imply a thoughtful pose. Scratches groin with right to relieve itch. Eyes bug out like a cartoon character.)
• Ensure U.S. would be leader against nuclear proliferation. (Uses hands to mimic mushroom bomb, lips pursed to make cool “explosion sound.”)
• Add 40,000 active-duty troops to U.S. Special Forces (Uses all 10 finger to mimic troops marching, lips puckered as he whistles “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”
• Offer incentives that would save families $1,000 bucks a year on health insurance costs; allow American to buy prescription drugs from Canada. (Eyes twitch madly. Hands flutter nervously while motioning to be holding a hockey stick. Sweat break out from his head, which eventually explodes like a burst balloon.)
  
  
  July 30 / 2004
  July 29 / 2004
  July 28 / 2004
  July 27 / 2004
  July 26 / 2004
  July 25 / 2004
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The Campaign In the USA

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