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Avery's
Campaign Journal
The Campaign In the USA
June 17/2004
Part 2 of: What will John Kerry spend his 140 million green backs on?
My buddy John Kerry has scooped up a Democratic record $100 million from
March through May, lifting his presidential campaign to more than $140
million so far. When I asked him how he was planning on spending his newfound
fortune, he showed me a rather detailed list of expenses.
You saw some of yesterday's purchases. Here are few more baubles and trinkets
he's planning on blowing his dough on:
$39.99: on "How To Hypnotize People" by The Great Martini. (Since
Mr. Kerry figures that he all ready makes people, "sleepy, very sleepy,"
he may as well use this power to his full advantage and hypnotize them
while he's making them nod off. The power of suggestion is a, well, powerful
thing, and hypnotism could bring in lots of votes. Mr. Kerry can practice
the art of prestidigitation by trying to mesmerize parrots, toads, dogs,
and even a glass of water. Once he has mastered them, then he will be
ready to try out his new bewitching powers on people.)
$25.00: on muzzle for Ralph Nader
$50,000,000.00: on payment fees for Warren Buffet and Steve Jobs for advice
on economic issues
$1,000,000.00: on more telecommunication stock
$25,000,000.00: on plan to have third "lukewarm" tap (a.k.a.
"The Kerry Tap") installed in every kitchen and bathroom in
America by 2006
$2,000.00: on beer and pretzels for civilized Toga Party
$1,000.00: on 3-hour rental fees for boat tour on The SS Minnow (yes,
a 3-hour tour!)
$25.00: on Pirate Hat (talk about mad money!!!)
$10.00: on X-Ray-Specs (to look cool and to see people's underwear)
$50.00: on Clog Shoes (to look cool when dancing!)
$75.00: on leopard skin muscle shirt (to look cool when prowling in the
Savannah!!)
Tomorrow: Unless Mr. Bush does something outrageous, or puts his foot
in his mouth (or does some other type of political contortionist thing),
then stay tuned for Part III of: John Kerry's Spending Spree!
June 16/2004
June 15/2004
June 14/2004
June 13/2004
June 12/2004
June 11/2004
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