Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

June 6/2004

PART ONE OF A THRILLING 4-PART SERIES!

Last night I had a dream that John Kerry and George Bush had been married to each other for a few years. They both lived in the White House and were a kind of gay co-dependent presidential team (I own the rights to the sitcom). Even weirder, I was dating Tipper Gore. Anyway, Tipsy and I had invited John and George over for dinner. The four of us are eating our dessert (coconut cream lemon key lime pie) when George and John start arguing about how George is still a mother's boy and how John isn't always emotionally "there" for George. Then things get rather heated: It went something like this…

George has just stood up and dramatically knocked many of the dishes onto the floor. John sighs heavily and reluctantly stands to face George. Tipsy watches with mild amusement and eats forkfuls of pie. I don't know what I'm doing because I can't see myself.

George: Damn it John, I thought we agreed we weren't going to discuss my relationship with mother anymore.

John: No we didn't. You asked me to support you on the issue of not talking about your mother and I refused to help. But you went ahead anyway, and without my support.

George: John, even though I suspect you're a closet Canadian, I love you. But I don't think we can go on like this any longer. Tonight typifies everything that's wrong with you and I…

John: You and me.

George: What about us?

John: I was correcting your grammar.

George: Really? What a thoughtful thing to do during an argument.

John: Thanks.

George: I was being sarcastic John. Gheesh! And everyone says I'm the dumb good-looking one. Anyways, like I was saying…

John: Anyway - not anyways. It's a common mistake. A neat little trick is to remember that you would never say "anyhows."

Tipsy continues to eat pie. As she shovels the forkfuls into her mouth, her head begins to expand.

George: ANYWAY! You may think that my unilateral decisions are the most stupidest things I've ever done, but…

John: Double negative. Your unilateral decisions are either "the stupidest," or the "most stupid." They can't be both.

George: Shut up!

John: Grammar is very important to me, George. It's the cornerstone of my campaign. I want to strengthen grammar. I want Americans to have affordable, accessible, high quality grammar. Oh, and I also support the study of how words and their component parts combine to form sentences.

George: That's just the *#$^&@*!ing dictionary definition of grammar.

John: Is it George? Is it really?

TOMORROW - PART DEUX: GEORGE AND JOHN GET CATTY. TIPPER'S HEAD EXPLODES -- OR DOES IT IMPLODE?

June 5/2004
June 4/2004
June 3/2004
June 2/2004
June 1/2004
May 31/2004
USA Archives

The Campaign In the USA

The Campaign In Canada