Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

June 7/2004

Part 2 Of - AVERY: I HAD A DREAM.

For you itchy Democrats and zippy Republicans who missed the last episode, I'm retelling a dream I had about George Bush and John Kerry as a bickering married couple. My advice is to check out all the lurid details of June the 6th and then come back to this puppy.

John continues to plead his case for grammar. George begins to cry the angry tears of one who can bare no more on the subject. Tipsy has run out of pie, but her head continues to expand. I still can't see what I'm doing.

John: Why can't you be as passionate about grammar as I am?

George: What do you know of passion? And why should I?

Tipsy: Is there any pie left?

George: You're always putting grammar ahead of me.

John: Grammar's an exciting issue. Possibly even more exciting than me… Or should that be "I?"

George: Well "I" need mother… I mean more! I need to be with someone who will give me love, stability, commitment. Someone who will pat my head after I make a boo-boo.

John: I see.

George: I need friendship, marginally stimulating conversation, and borderline sexual excitement.

John: Very well. It's a lot to ask. But I can change. All right, I've made some major life decisions. First off, I've decided to start using less hair gel.

George is lost in his reverie.

George: I need the occasional good time, someone who chuckles at my malapropisms, a Christmas present for God's sakes! Is that asking too much…? Well, is it?

John: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was a rhetorical question. George, before you do anything drastic, for once in your life, listen to me. If you can give the American public high quality, accessible and affordable grammar, then I'd be willing to support you in investing in tax giveaways to America's wealthiest people - regardless of their anti-grammar sentiments.

George: That's it. We're finished. I don't know why I ever dated you. Oh, and your car is a piece of crap.

Tipsy's head explodes.

TOMORROW - PART THREE: MY DINNER WITH GEORGE AND JOHN. PLUS: WHO WILL CLEAN UP TIPPER'S BRAINS?

June 6/2004
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