| Avery's
Campaign Journal
The
Campaign In the USA
Oct 18 / 2004
Looking to find out what the candidates were actually thinking during the Town Hall debate? Click here: October 8
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As this presidential race gets tighter and the drama builds; as the knives are pulled out; as each candidate’s scary television ads take fear-mongering to new levels; as the mud flings in the most disturbing of manners, as the two men prepare to meet in a caged ring to battle it out, more fallacious rumors begin to rear their ugly little craniums...
So let’s spread some of our own, shall we?
- George Bush is a Robot. That's the latest rumor flooding the Internet in the wake of the “debate image” showing a large solid object between Bush's shoulder blades. That’s right – he’s a robot! And let’s be honest, we all suspected as much, didn’t we? So, no, he wasn’t getting a feed through a hidden earpiece from Karl Rove (aka: Satan’s Drinking Buddy), oh no, it’s not nearly as nefarious as that: The simple truth is that “The Robotic George MX666” has an electrical socket on its back and “The Automatonic President” was getting an electrical boost. So now ya know...
- Mary Cheney isn’t gay. Nope, not in the slightest. She has a husband and three lovely kids. Her role model is every TV housewife from the 50’s and she bakes a mean apple pie. The whole gay thing was thought up by the back room Republicans as a way to make grinning Dick Cheney seem a little more tolerant and human; oh and to get the gay Republican vote. Fact is, Dick’s never met a homosexual and never will.
- Once Kerry becomes president, Teresa Heinz Kerry will run the show. It’s true. She’s essentially the Cheney to his Bush (let’s call it the “Bush Chain” shall we?). And Teresa has big plans: The first one involves the burning of all catsup products and forcing American to listen to her new CD “Dance to the Radical Left – Or Die!”
- 1980’s Pop Band ABC will reunite with Donny Rumsfeld as their new singer: The Secretary of Defense who is rumored to be on his way out, apparently knows all the words to “The Look of Love.”
- It’ll all happen in Florida again! This one comes from The New York Times, so you know it’s got credibility. (Cough, cough)
- George Shrub will attack Sweden because he believes it has no army. Okay, he’s not going to attack Sweden, but he did think they didn’t have an army!
- If Senator Edwards is made VEEP and should happen to slip and fall in The White House, he plans to sue America’s ass and bleed it dry. And he’ll win. Because, yes, he’s that good of a trial lawyer!
- George Bush suffers from pre-senile dementia (Atlantic Monthly); George Bush suffers from a fainting condition (Bloggers Everywhere); George Bush is a Robot (Me); George Bush is a God (Fox News) George Bush believes that Tad Huntington III is actually Alexander Cambias Jr. Opal (Plot Line: All My Children).
- Should things not work out with 1980’s pop band, ABC, Donny Rumsfeld will sing lead vocals for 1980’s heavy metal band, Judas Priest. Word is that Rummy knows all the lyrics to “The Ripper.”
- God is no longer on speaking terms with George Shrub. Apparently the Holy Spirit tired of speaking through the president and has decided to channel his Almighty thoughts through a Malaysian monkey. “I think this works much better for everyone,” sayeth the Lord.
Oct 17 / 2004
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