Avery's Campaign Journal

The Campaign In the USA

Oct 19 / 2004

Looking to find out what the candidates were actually thinking during the Town Hall debate? Click here: October 8

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As the big day (yes, Election Day), looms closer, much like some... Oh, I don’t know... some kind of looming creature... Both George W. Shrub and Yawn Kerry are zipping across the country trying to persuade undecided or wavering voters (America’s Real Flip Floppers) that he is the right man to rule the country and run it to the ground.

But what does it take to change a voter’s mind? A better-than-expected performance in a 90-minute debate? A hometown campaign stop? A spate of attack ads? Sex?

Siegfried Welterscheng, a psychologist and professor in his own mind, has been pondering these very questions.

“Yes, it’s definitely sex,” he told me, “lots of throbbing, hot, penetrating, down and dirty sex, sex, sex. Ooh, I love sex. Gimme, gimme, gimme...”

In his latest book, “Just Because I Don’t Have a Psychology Degree, Doesn’t Mean I shouldn’t Practice Head Shrinking” Welterscheng identifies key elements of the decision-making process and explains how they can be influenced to alter the outcome. I spoke with Herr Doctor about how presidential debates shape voters' choices and which campaign strategies have been most effective in swaying them. Excerpts:

How much do the debates influence voters?

Siegfried: Lots...

Um... Would you care to elaborate?

Siegfried: Not really, no.

Okay, we’re off to roaring start. Let’s see... It seems like some of these swing voters have swung back and forth over the past few weeks.

Siegfried: I like swingers...

...Is there anything else on this subject that you’d like to say?

Siegfried: Nein, I’m good.

What do you think of the statement “Some people actually don’t realize they are swing voters till they get to the polls.”

Siegfried: Works for me...

Okay, let’s talk about sex. (It is here that the Doctor’s eyes light up) There’s been some controversy over John Kerry’s invoking Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter during a question on same-sex marriage in Wednesday’s debate. Can a single comment like that cost a candidate votes?

Siegfried: I love the idea of lesbians. I just wish they’d sleep with me. But as lesbians, well you know, they’re not much into that.

Just answer the question!

Siegfried: Okay. The answer is “nein.”

In the first televised presidential debate in 1960 between Richard Nixon and John F. Kennedy, Kennedy’s telegenic looks were seen as a real advantage over Nixon, who’d refused makeup and appeared haggard. How do you think Bush and Kerry appeared on TV?

Siegfried:Not very sexy. If I were gay I wouldn’t go for either of those fellows, let alone have a ménage et trois with them. I think Bush has a face for radio and that Kerry is too tall. I find tall people to be a turn off, sexually speaking... I listened to some of the debate on the radio and fantasized that they were both sexy frauleins in lederhosen. Now, while Bush spoke slowly and enunciated, his problem was, if you saw it on TV, he had these silly grins that made him look ineffectual. But if you just heard him on the radio, I think he sounded fine. This is what I call representational redescription. You are making the same point in many different ways — the way you hold yourself, your facial and bodily expressions — not just what you say. When you saw Bush making the silly expressions — and his body language seemed stilted — it worked against him. Kerry’s body language hasn’t worked against him in the same way. But he’s still too tall to get me excited, in a sexual way.

Oh my God – you actually sort of answered a question!

Siegfried: Yah.

How much influence can body language have on voters watching the debates?

Siegfried: Oodles! Give me a president with a ramrod straight back and razor blade hips any day. Yum, yum.

So who did better? Who won the debates?

Siegfried: Nader (he laughs). Sorry, a little joke, yah? I think they were both big losers. But Bush was more of the bigger winner in being the bigger loser – is that clear?

Barely.

Siegfried: It’s all in my book.

Yes, about your book. I read it. It’s mostly just pictures of your family’s vacation in Baden Baden.

Siegfried: And my poetry about orgasms.

Yes, you’re poetry about orgasms...

Siegfried: Shall I read one? “In the summer/She’s a cummer...”

That’ll do. Let’s get back to why we’re here.

Siegfried: “A fantastic orgasmic/She’s made out of plastic…”

I said shut up! Okay... What about the candidates’ trustworthiness?

Siegfried: There’s no need to yell at me. Gottenheimel! The issue of trustworthiness is really the most important issue raised in the debate. Likeability is who do you want to have a beer with; trustworthiness is who you want to get totally pissed with. Total confidence is someone you feel you can get naked with and not have to wear one of those damned prophylactics.

Let’s move on. What do you make of the recent television ads?

Siegfried: They are quite vicious, but highly amusing. The new right-wingy dingy ones are great... But not enough sex. Kerry’s latest ones reminding Americans about the mess in Iraq are also good – but again, not enough sex. Americans prefer violence. We Europeans prefer sex. That’s why we are so much more civilized and enlightened. Hey, is that a strudel in your pants or are you just happy to see ze doctor? Ha, ha, ha...

As an enlightened and civilized European, will you please stop humping my leg?

Siegfried: No comment.

Oct 18 / 2004
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