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Campaign Journal Looking to find out what the candidates were actually thinking during the Town Hall debate? Click here: October 8----- Jon Stewart vs. Tucker Carlson. OR – The Butt Boy Battles The Dick. Let’s start things off with an excerpt of Jon Stewart’s appearance on “Crossfire” in which Mr. Stewart sounds like foul-mouthed yob/dictator, Dick Cheney, and the geeky, bow-tied, Tucker Carlson admits that, like all conservatives, he enjoys being compared to “the male organ of copulation in higher vertebrates.” STEWART: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show. (AUDIENCE EXPLODES WITH KNOWING LAUGHTER) CARLSON: Now, you're getting into it. I like that! Well what do you know? He likes being called a dick! Those Republicans love it when you call them that word, don’t they? It’s like they equate their penises as some kind of weapons and therefore by calling them “dicks” you’re telling them they are strong, decisive, and manly. Mr. Stewart, like most subservient Democrats, prefers (and admits) to be the receptacle of these conservative dicks. Here’s another excerpt. CARLSON: Well, I'm just saying, there's no reason for you -- when you have this marvelous opportunity not to be the guy's butt boy, to go ahead and be his butt boy. Come on. It's embarrassing. STEWART: I was absolutely his butt boy. I was so far -- you would not believe what he ate two weeks ago. (MUCH HOOTING, HOWLING, AND BUTT BOY RELATED LAUGHTER) Man, give these guys a few chairs to throw at each other and Jerry Springer can eat his white-trash-loving heart out! Some have called the Stewart/Carlson cage-match/fiesta a “feud that straddles the line between politics and entertainment.” Others were busy worrying about more important things, and the sensible rest have no idea about any of this fun and frivolous nonsense. Carlson, who pretty much grinned like an idiot through most of the fracas has now had plenty of time to think it over and has come to the conclusion that he doesn’t like being called a dick on television. “It’s one thing to call me a dick at the grocery store,” he stated, “or to call me a dick in my car. Or to call me a dick at the bowling alley or the gun club... Hey, I’ve been called a dick at church, and that was by my minister. But to call me a dick on TV... Well that’s just not right. I see that now.” Stewart, the always loquacious and eloquent comedian replied to Mr. Carlson’s comments by noting, “He started it! That dick called me Kerry’s butt boy. And sure, I admitted it at the time, but it still pissed me off. It’s one thing for Kerry to call me his butt boy while I’m, you know, washing his butt, but it’s an entirely different thing when it’s spouted from the mouth of a conservative dick like him.” Later both men met on the mean streets of New York to try and resolve their differences. Carlson started the peace talks by offering to shake Stewart’s hand and then pulling it back and yelling, “Psych!” The little bow-tied guy then left himself vulnerable for ridicule when he told Stewart that he looked ridiculous in his V-Neck sweater during his CNN appearance and that the comedian was a sellout for publicly backing Democrat John Kerry for president. Stewart, seeing this opening, acted swiftly and kicked Carlson in the nuts. “Take that home to your dick!” he shouted. “Suck my partisan hackery," the squeaky voiced political pundit (and future castrati) warbled while covering his swelling testicles and rolling into the fetus position. “You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably," Stewart said before kicking him in the head and then telling fart jokes to the crowd that had gathered around to witness the spectacle. Carlson, proving he’s not as much of a wimp as everyone thinks, then pulled himself to his feet and sucker punched Stewart in the back of the head. “You need to get a job at a journalism school!” The wounded hack cried. “You need to go to one," Stewart said as he poked Carlson in the eye. Carlson then stomped on Stewart’s foot and snarled, “For once in your life, do something funny!” "No," Stewart said hopping up in down in pain. "I'm not going to be your monkey! Ow! Ow! Ow!” he cried out – while sounding very much like a monkey. Carlson then stuck his index finger up Jon’s nose and chided Stewart for lobbing softball questions when Kerry appeared on "The Daily Show" last month. The two men then proceeded to fight like girls and ultimately take it to the lowest and most embarrassing element – a tickle fight: And the whole spectacle was videotaped by mildly interested New Yorkers with video cameras. “I thought that he looked ridiculous," Carlson said in an interview later, "and I think the tape makes that clear. At least everyone expects me to fight like a girl. Oh, and as the video clearly shows, I got him to giggle first. Nobody beats me at a tickle fight.” Stewart wasn't talking about the confrontation but Comedy Central executive Tony Fox said there may be some regret over the vulgarity and tickle fight – but he really doubted it. In the end it was great free promotion for The Daily Show and for Crossfire, both are which marvelous, critically acclaimed and celebrated fake news programs. Oct 19 / 2004 |
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